Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 3
[ open on a couple floating in a rowboat in the middle of the lake on a dark night ]
Mary: [ sighs ] Oh. What a romantic evening. This might be the best first date of my life!
Mike: Yeah, yeah, yeah, fo’ sho. It’s real nice.
Mike: [ caught off guard ] Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah — it’s my name — Mike.
Mary: I am so happy that I met you!
Mike: [ nods condescendingly ] Yeah, me, too. It’s all good.
Mike: [ caught off guard again ] Yeah, yeah, yeah — I’m Mike.
Mary: I haven’t been totally honest with you. I didn’t dump my last boyfriend. He was arrested. It turned out he was a lawyer for drug deals.
Mike: [ with mock surprise ] Oh, my good-ness! That’s cra-zy!
Mary: Yes. And, as they dragged him away, the last thing he said was, “Mary, your life is in danger! People are going to be out to get you because of what you know! Don’t trust ANYBODY!” [ she smiles ] So, you can imagine how happy I was when a handsome stranger Facebooked me out of nowhere, and asked me to go out on a date in the middle of a lake!
Mike: Yeah. Life is CRAZY like that!
Mary: Yes! It IS crazy like that![ music pots up, as she breaks into song ]
“How did I meet this guy?
How did I get so lucky?
Hey, Mr. Perfect Time
I swear he’s my knight in shining armour!
He makes me smile, he makes me laugh!
His arms are so strong, he could break me in half!
How did I meet this guy?
How did I get so lucky?”
“I gotta KILL this lady!
Ideally, within the NEXT half-hour!
Then I can drive back home
And catch the end of Monday Night Football
I feel kinda bad, ’cause she seems really nice
But such is the life of a professional hit man!
I gotta KILL this lady!
And then catch Monday Night Football.”
Mary: Mike? I know it’s only our first date, but… I feel like we’re soul mates.
Mike: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah — that’s true. That’s true. We have many similarities.
Mary: Yeah, we both love “Gossip Girl” —
Mike: Yeah, “Gossip Girl” — she’s always gossipin’.
Mary: We listen to John Mayer —
Mike: Yeah, yeah — we BOTH know who HE is.
Mary: And… you’re the only person I know who loves “The Notebook” more than I do.
Mike: LOVE me some “Notebook”!
Mary: Sometimes I think you just copied my Facebook profile! [ she chuckles ]
Mike: [ he chuckles uncomfortably ] So, uh — this ex-boyfriend of yours. He didn’t say anything about computer discs, did he?
Mary: Yeah, he did. Right before he got arrested, he gave some to me and he said, “Guard these with your life!” Isn’t that crazy?
Mike: It IS cra-zy! So… where do you keep these discs?
Mary: [ coyly ] Oh, I can’t tell you all of my secrets! [ she chuckles ] [ he chuckles with malign ] [ music pots up again, as they break into song together ]
“I guess this proves Mom wrongI do have super good taste in boyfriends.”
“This is my all-time easiest job!This girl has super bad taste in boyfriends!”
“I love the way his eyes dart about
As if he’s afraid that someone will see us.”
Mary: “How did I meet this guy?”
Mike: “I gotta KILL this girl!”
Mary: “How did I get so lucky?”
Mike: “It’s a shame that she’s such a dum-my.”[ music fades ]
Mary: I feel like I can tell you anything.
Mike: Well, then… where are the discs?
Mary: They’re right here. [ she holds up two computer discs ]
Mike: Have you shown those to anyone else?
Mary: No. [ she smiles ] Just my man. Just my wonderful man!
Mike: [ smiles slyly ] Well, that’s good! Yeah, that’s real good![ music pots up again, as she breaks into song ]
“I’m starting to get a bad feeling
That this is a man who’s been paid to kill me.
I bet his name isn’t Mike
Which is why he’s confused when I say Mike.
I should have suspected that something was wrong
When the boat ws chained up and he shot the lock off.
Why did I trust this guy?
Why am I such a dum-my?”
Mike: You’re right. My name’s not Mike.
Mary: How did you know I was thinking that?
Mike: Well, you’ve been singing out loud.
Mary: So, are — are you gonna kill me?
Mike: No. I-I-I-I can’t do it. I lost my nerve.
Mary: [ smiling ] Is it because we’re soul mates?
Mike: No, no, no. I just gotta get out of this lake. I just remembered I can’t swim.
Mary: I’ll paddle, Mike.
Mike: Well, it’s… Darren.[ music pots up again, as they break into song together ] [ simultaneously: ]
Mary: “I’m gonna have sex with this guy!”
Mike: “I’m gonna have sex with this girl!”
Together: “How did I get so lucky?”[ camera pans out to studio wide shot, and fades ]