Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 3
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Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Judy Grimes…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: Good evening. I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:
With the nation facing a historic financial crisis, President Bush, on Thursday, convened the summit that included John McCain, Barack Obama, and senior members of Congress. Afterwards, their efforts were commemorated with this banner: [ McCain, Bush, Barack stand in front of a “Nothing Accomplished” banner ]
Critics of the bailout plan say it will save Wall Street, while it would do virtually nothing to help out Main Street. And, as always, youre on your own, Martin Luther King Boulevard.
Seth Meyers: Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen said that the proposed bailout plan will cost taxpayers $700 billion. To give you an idea of how much money that is, I CAN’T give you an idea of how much money that is.
The first Presidential debate took place last night, and, earlier in the week, Barack Obama said that he would be at the debate whether John McCain showed up or not. Marking the first time in history the Black man was more eager to go to Mississippi than a White one.
Amy Poehler: Police in West Virginia charged a man with one count of battery, after he passed gas at one of the officers. Meaning the Supreme Court may have to revisit the landmark case of Smelt It v. Dealt It.
Seth Meyers: v. Dealt It?
Amy Poehler: v. Dealt It!
Seth Meyers: As the election approaches, both candidates have been relying more and more on the support of their party leaders. Here to comment on the race is one such leader — the 42nd President of the United States, President Bill Clinton.
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Seth… and thank you, Amy… and, most especially, thank you, Duffy. [ the audience cheers ] I’m here tonight because our nation is in the midst of a great crisis. People ask me who can propel American out of this economic freefall, and put us back on track. And I tell them… “Brack Obama is the only… Democratic nominee for President.”
Seth Meyers: That — that doesn’t exactly sound like a ringing endorsement.
Bill Clinton: [ scoffs ] I don’t think I can be any more clearer.I belong to the Democratic Party. Barack Obama’s also in the Democratic Party. And I’m not a party wrecker. I love parties! A lot of times, I show up at a party and people say, “Maaaan, this party was BEAT, ’til you got here!” Yesterday, I asked somebody, “Hey? Do you party?” You can see where my support lies.
Seth Meyers: Mmm-hmm. So — [ he laughs ] you support Barack Obama for President of the United States?
Bill Clinton: [ he guffaws ] Let me just lay it out! I… support… Barack… Obama… is something I’ve heard from people all over this country. What this country needs is change. Come January, we cannot… have… the same… president.
Seth Meyers: Well, of course we can’t have the same president. It would be a change whether it’s Obama or McCain.
Bill Clinton: [ grabs his head ] That’s true! I didn’t even THINK about that! That is a GREAT point! John McCain would also be a change! But, look, I’m not here to bash John McCain.
Seth Meyers: Well, you haven’t been…
Bill Clinton: That’s right. I’m not gonna trsh John McCain just because he’s a Republican, or a war hero, or a great friend who’s hilarious and cool. I will not. I will not. I, for one, respect those things. Still, there are many things we disagree on. For instance, Sen. McCain likes the show “C.S.I.” Whereas, I love… “Californication”.
Seth Meyers: Well, there might be qualities about John McCain you respect, but do you honestly believe that Gov. Sarah Palin is prepared to be Vice-President?
Bill Clinton: Look… sometimes women will be uncomfortable doing something at first… [ extended cheers and applause from the audience ] I have found, with enough persuasion… they will come around.
Seth Meyers: I’m sorry… I’m still a little confused. It almost sounds like you’re endorsing the McCain-Palin ticket.
Bill Clinton: Oh, Seth. I’m gonna say this one more time: There is only one man for this job. [ he stops ]
Seth Meyers: And?
Bill Clinton: And… watch “Californication”! The sex scenes are so real, that that guy had to go to sex rehab!
Seth Meyers: President Bill Clinton, everyone!
Amy Poehler: A farmer in Ohio has carved a corn maze in his field in the likeness of Sarah Palin. The way it works is: you enter the maze, and then suddenly realzie you’re in way over your head.
Seth Meyers: Animal rights group PETA is urging Ben & Jerry’s to replace the milk they use in their ice cream with human breast milk. After which, Ben & Jerry’s introduced their new flavor: Chocolate Mint — ’cause they’re NOT gonna use breast milk!
Nearly 300 tow trucks participated Sunday in a parade through New York, in an attempt to break a record. The record? Least Gay Parade.
Amy Poehler: A Japanese artist is creating tree huts in New York’s Madison Square Park, which resemble children’s treehouses and are meant for thinking, dreaming, and remembering… but will be used for sleeping, urinating, and masturbating.
Seth Meyers: Sunday’s 60th Prime Time Emmy Awards were hosted by the five reality show nominees, in an apparent attempt to make us hate television.
Amy Poehler: Now, we all know it’s no secret that recent economic woes have had a serious effect on the travel industry. In order to recoup losses, most airlines are implementing checked bag fees and gasoline surcharges. Here to discuss this trend, once again, is travel writer Judy Grimes.
Judy Grimes: [ in a high-pitched voice ] Hiiiiiiii!! Just kidding, I don’t say “Hi” like that, I say “Hi” like this: [ low-pitched ] Hiii! Just kidding, that was a little more normal than I say it. “Hi!” That’s how I say it, that’s how I say it — just kidding!
Amy Poehler: Hi, Judy. Uh — now, Judy, last time you were here, you let your nerves get the best of you. And, I have to say, you still sound pretty nervous. You sure you’re ready to do thid?
Judy Grimes: [ nervously ] Mmm-hmm…
Amy Poehler: Okay! Great! Judy, what do you think about the airlines charging $50 for checked bags? I mean, is there a way a person can travel without spending a fortune?
Judy Grimes: [ rapid-fire ] Actually, there’s a few ways — just kidding, there’s only one way — just kidding, I don’t know how many ways there are — just kidding, I do, there’s eight — just kidding, there’s eighteen, I counted them — just kidding, my friend did and she never lies — just kidding, she lied once, but I wasn’t there — just kidding, we’re not really friends, we work together — just kidding, I work by myself — just kidding, I work out by myself — just kidding, I don’t work out, ’cause I kicked out of my gym — just kidding, it closed — just kidding!
Amy Poehler: Judy, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say maybe you’re still a little too nervous.
Judy Grimes: Mmm-hmm — just kidding.
Amy Poehler: Well, maybe — you know, you can come back another time.
Judy Grimes: [ rapid-fire ] I’m fine. Besides, I… can’t come back another time because I’m too busy — just kidding, I’m not busy — just kidding, I am but I don’t have any time for you — just kidding, I don’t know how to make time — just kidding, but I know how to make pies — just kidding, I don’t — just kidding, I do, and I’ll make one right now — just kidding, I can’t, because I don’t have a pan — just kidding, I do, but I gotta buy sugar — just kidding, I have what I need, but I don’t have a stove — just kidding, there’s a stove under here, it’s hot — ouch! — just kidding, there’s no stove under here, there’s one at my house, let’s go there right now — just kidding, we can’t all go together, it’s hard to travel in a group — just kidding, we can’t do it because my car’s not big enough — just kidding, we’re in right now, this whole studio’s my car — just kidding, it isn’t — just kidding, it is — beep, beep! Get out of my way! — just kidding, we’re not in my car — just kidding, I wrecked my car — just kidding, I ran into a tree — just kidding, it was a bush — just kidding, it was a man, he was very upset — just kidding, he laughed — just kidding, he died — just kidding, it was a dream — just kidding, it wasn’t a dream, it was a movie I rented — just kidding, I bought it, and now I regret it, it wasn’t very good — just kidding, it was okay — just kidding!
Amy Poehler: Wow, thank you. Once again, thanks for nothing, Judy.
Judy Grimes: [ rapid-fire ] My name’s not Judy, it’s Nudy — just kidding, that’s dumb — just kidding, it’s smart — just kidding, it’s not really anything, but, just for the record, my name is actually Julie, you’ve always said it wrong, I didn’t say anything — just kidding, I did but nobody listened — just kidding, they did — just kidding — just kidding!
Amy Poehler: Judy Grimes, everybody. Judy Grimes.
Seth Meyers: Police in Portland, Oregon told a woman who was skating nude to stop after construction workers complained. Which raises the question: What in God’s name has happened to construction workers?
A New Jersey man is suing two men for allegedly using Facebook to organize an attack on him at a bar. By the time police arrived, the man had been super-poked beyond recognition.
Amy Poehler: Scientists reported this week that a newly-discovered chicken-sized dinosaur that lived in North America survived by eating termites. The scientists arrived at this conclusion using a technique they call Guessing.
A man in New York State pleaded guilty to public lewdness this week, after he took his pants off before going into a donut shop. The man said he only did it so he could carry mroe donuts.
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler!
