SNL Transcripts: Anne Hathaway: 10/04/08: I’m Not Gay


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 4

08d: Anne Hathaway / The Killers

I’m Not Gay

Marcus…..Jason Sudeikis
Amber…..Anne Hathaway
Jerome…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, apartment building ] [ dissolve to interior, apartment, as a Man enters from the bedroom carrying a box and approaches his female roommate, who has been packing a separate box ]

Amber: That’s it from the bedroom.

Marcus: Mmm-hmm!

Amber: [ sorrowful ] I can’t believe I’m really moving out.

Marcus: [ with a lisp ] It’s been an amazing five years! And I will cherisss… every moment!

Amber: Hmm… it seems like only yesterday I responded to your ad on Craigslist.

Marcus: Oh! you know, I only use use Craiglist to find anonymous male partners — who knew I’d find… a best friend, too?

Amber: [ she laughs ] And, if I remember correctly, a few anonymous male partners! [ she playfully pokes his stomach ]

Marcus: Weelllllll…!

[ she laughs, as Jerome swaggers into the apartment ]

Jerome: Well! I’m glad SOMEONE’s having a good time, while I’m doing all the heavy lifting!

Marcus: Sorry, Sweetie!

Amber: Sorry, Jerome. [ she lifts her box ] These are the last two — I promise!

Jerome: Fine. Say your goodbyes, but you’d better not make my man cry.

[ Marcus and Jerome kiss on the lips, then Jerome exits with the two boxes, receiving a playful pat on the ass as he departs ]

Marcus: Well… [ he takes her hands ] I guess this is it! [ he fends back a tear ] I am going to miss you!

Amber: Ohhhh, Marcus… [ she hugs him ] Marcus.

[ Marcus stares into her eyes for a moment, then forcily leans in to kiss her on the lips ]

Amber: Marcus!! Marcus!! [ she laughs uncomfortably ] What are you doing?

Marcus: Come on, one kiss!

Amber: Whoa, whoa, Marcus — you’re GAY! Stop!

Marcus: [ a beat ] Actually… I’m not! [ he laughs ]

Amber: What? But..? Oh… yeah! Right! Like I’m gonna believe that! Mister “I Know Every single Song in “A Chorus Line” — I Have A Boyfriend!” I mean, come on — look, even the way you talk!

Marcus: It’s not how I really talk.

Amber: What?

Marcus: [ in a deeper voice ] It’s not how I really talk!

Amber: [ stunned, she backs away ] Oh, my God!

Marcus: [ laughing ] I know, I know — BUS-TED!! I know!

Amber: [ uneasily, as she fingers her hair ] What else have you lied about?

Marcus: Ummmm — well, I’m not really a hairstylist. [ she gasps ] Yeah.

Amber: But you cut my hair!

Marcus: Yeah, I got really lucky with that! [ he mimes using scissors ] Yeah, you know — I just kinda got good at it! It’s not too hard, actually. [ he chuckles ]

Amber: So… wait! When we would dance —

Marcus: Yeah?

Amber: And you would get erections —

Marcus: Right, right… That was NOT because of a disease — I made that up.

Amber: But… according to Wikipedia, bonerplasia afflicts —

Marcus: No, no — I know! I know! No, I wrote that page! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that’s why it’s so conversational in tone, and… your name’s in it.

Amber: But I’ve… walked in on you… having sex with… dozens of men…

Marcus: Yeah! You gotta sell it. You gotta sell it! If you’re gonna lie to someone, for five years, you GOTS to sell it!

Amber: Oh, my God! Does Jerome know?!

Marcus: Uh — well —

[ Jerome re-enters the apartment ]

Jerome: Ooh, well, I’m off to rehearse with my Village People cover band.

Marcus: Yeah, I, uh — I told her I wasn’t gay, Jerry.

Jerome: [ slumps his shoulders in defeat ] Oh. Well, that’s cool. I’m gonna split, dude.

Marcus: [ low-fives him ] Alright, bro. [ they hug in as heterosexual manner as they can ] Where are you headed off to?

Jerome: I’m gonna go rehearse with my Village People cover band.

Marcus: Oh, right! Right!

[ Jerome exits the apartment in a dejected manner ]

Marcus: Good — good friend.

Amber: Sooooo… you pretended to be gay —

Marcus: Yeah.

Amber: For five years —

Marcus: Yes!

Amber: In the hopes that someday we would kiss?

Marcus: [ mulls it over ] Yeah, when you say it like that, it’s not a great plan, is it? [ he laughs in spite of himself, as she retreats away ] Oh, come on! Come on! Okay, okay! Stop, stop! [ she stops ] Don’t you get it, amber? I mean, don’t you see? Being your gay friend was — I don’t know — the only way I had a CHANCE with you! And, even though I — I don’t know — nothing ever happened between us, and I had to sleep with somewhere between… thirty or forty dudes… I, uh — yeah. I regret NOTHING! [ she looks at him, almost sympathetic ] Well, maybe thirty of forty things…

[ she turns away, disgusted ]

Marcus: [ singing, as the lights dim ]“Kiss today goodbyyyyyye!
The sweetness… and the sorroooooowww!
Wish me luck — the same, to yooooooouuuuu!
But I can’t regret, what I did for loooooove!”

Together: [ singing ] “What I did, fooooorrrr, looooovvvvvvvveeee!!”

[ the lights come back on ]

Amber: [ smiling ] I don’t regret anything, either!

Marcus: [ nodding ] It might have been closer to fifty — fifty dudes, I think, actually…

[ they both shrug away the concern and hug joyously ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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