Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 4
I’m Not Gay
[ open on exterior, apartment building ]
[ dissolve to interior, apartment, as a Man enters from the bedroom carrying a box and approaches his female roommate, who has been packing a separate box ]
Amber: That’s it from the bedroom.
Amber: [ sorrowful ] I can’t believe I’m really moving out.
Marcus: [ with a lisp ] It’s been an amazing five years! And I will cherisss… every moment!
Amber: Hmm… it seems like only yesterday I responded to your ad on Craigslist.
Marcus: Oh! you know, I only use use Craiglist to find anonymous male partners — who knew I’d find… a best friend, too?
Amber: [ she laughs ] And, if I remember correctly, a few anonymous male partners! [ she playfully pokes his stomach ]
[ she laughs, as Jerome swaggers into the apartment ]
Jerome: Well! I’m glad SOMEONE’s having a good time, while I’m doing all the heavy lifting!
Marcus: Sorry, Sweetie!
Amber: Sorry, Jerome. [ she lifts her box ] These are the last two — I promise!
Jerome: Fine. Say your goodbyes, but you’d better not make my man cry.
[ Marcus and Jerome kiss on the lips, then Jerome exits with the two boxes, receiving a playful pat on the ass as he departs ]
Marcus: Well… [ he takes her hands ] I guess this is it! [ he fends back a tear ] I am going to miss you!
Amber: Ohhhh, Marcus… [ she hugs him ] Marcus.
[ Marcus stares into her eyes for a moment, then forcily leans in to kiss her on the lips ]
Amber: Marcus!! Marcus!! [ she laughs uncomfortably ] What are you doing?
Marcus: Come on, one kiss!
Amber: Whoa, whoa, Marcus — you’re GAY! Stop!
Marcus: [ a beat ] Actually… I’m not! [ he laughs ]
Amber: What? But..? Oh… yeah! Right! Like I’m gonna believe that! Mister “I Know Every single Song in “A Chorus Line” — I Have A Boyfriend!” I mean, come on — look, even the way you talk!
Marcus: It’s not how I really talk.
Marcus: [ in a deeper voice ] It’s not how I really talk!
Amber: [ stunned, she backs away ] Oh, my God!
Marcus: [ laughing ] I know, I know — BUS-TED!! I know!
Amber: [ uneasily, as she fingers her hair ] What else have you lied about?
Marcus: Ummmm — well, I’m not really a hairstylist. [ she gasps ] Yeah.
Amber: But you cut my hair!
Marcus: Yeah, I got really lucky with that! [ he mimes using scissors ] Yeah, you know — I just kinda got good at it! It’s not too hard, actually. [ he chuckles ]
Amber: So… wait! When we would dance —
Amber: And you would get erections —
Marcus: Right, right… That was NOT because of a disease — I made that up.
Amber: But… according to Wikipedia, bonerplasia afflicts —
Marcus: No, no — I know! I know! No, I wrote that page! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that’s why it’s so conversational in tone, and… your name’s in it.
Amber: But I’ve… walked in on you… having sex with… dozens of men…
Marcus: Yeah! You gotta sell it. You gotta sell it! If you’re gonna lie to someone, for five years, you GOTS to sell it!
Amber: Oh, my God! Does Jerome know?!
Marcus: Uh — well —
[ Jerome re-enters the apartment ]
Jerome: Ooh, well, I’m off to rehearse with my Village People cover band.
Marcus: Yeah, I, uh — I told her I wasn’t gay, Jerry.
Jerome: [ slumps his shoulders in defeat ] Oh. Well, that’s cool. I’m gonna split, dude.
Marcus: [ low-fives him ] Alright, bro. [ they hug in as heterosexual manner as they can ] Where are you headed off to?
Jerome: I’m gonna go rehearse with my Village People cover band.
Marcus: Oh, right! Right!
[ Jerome exits the apartment in a dejected manner ]
Marcus: Good — good friend.
Amber: Sooooo… you pretended to be gay —
Amber: For five years —
Amber: In the hopes that someday we would kiss?
Marcus: [ mulls it over ] Yeah, when you say it like that, it’s not a great plan, is it? [ he laughs in spite of himself, as she retreats away ] Oh, come on! Come on! Okay, okay! Stop, stop! [ she stops ] Don’t you get it, amber? I mean, don’t you see? Being your gay friend was — I don’t know — the only way I had a CHANCE with you! And, even though I — I don’t know — nothing ever happened between us, and I had to sleep with somewhere between… thirty or forty dudes… I, uh — yeah. I regret NOTHING! [ she looks at him, almost sympathetic ] Well, maybe thirty of forty things…
[ she turns away, disgusted ]
Marcus: [ singing, as the lights dim ]
“Kiss today goodbyyyyyye!
The sweetness… and the sorroooooowww!
Wish me luck — the same, to yooooooouuuuu!
But I can’t regret, what I did for loooooove!”
Together: [ singing ] “What I did, fooooorrrr, looooovvvvvvvveeee!!”
[ the lights come back on ]
Amber: [ smiling ] I don’t regret anything, either!
Marcus: [ nodding ] It might have been closer to fifty — fifty dudes, I think, actually…
[ they both shrug away the concern and hug joyously ]
[ fade ]