SNL Transcripts: Anne Hathaway: 10/04/08: Sioux City News 3

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 4

08d: Anne Hathaway / The Killers

Sioux City News 3

Michael Modesto…..Jason Sudeikis
Tanya Mitchell…..Anne Hathaway
Melanie Moore…..Casey Wilson
Trevor Johnson…..Kenan Thompson
Christopher Smalls…..Bobby Moynihan
Animal Expert…..Kristen Wiig
Tom Geneveve…..Will Forte
Redneck…..Fred Armisen
Andrea St. James…..Amy Poehler

[ open on Sioux City 3 graphic ]

Announcer: Stay tuned for your local news, on Channel 3 — Sioux city’s finest, AND America’s “Most Youtubed” news team!

[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]

Announcer: With… lead anchor, Michael Modesto.

Michael Modesto V/O: “A local family has been left homeless –“

[ slight offscreen snort from Modesto, as the camera finally dissolves to his in-studio clip ]

Michael Modesto: [ with “Holiday Fire” graphic over his left shoulder ] “A local family has been left homeless –” [ he snorts again ] “for the holidays, after –” [ he snorts louder, unable to maintain his composure ] Excuse me! [ he clears his throat ] “…after a fi-reee… after a fire that burned down their tree –” [ he cracks up harder, joined by his co-anchor ] I’m sorry! It’s not funny! Would you stop!

[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]

Announcer: Co-anchor, Tanya Mitchell.

[ dissolve to her in-studio clip ]

Tanya Mitchell: Up next, City Councilman Doug Parks faces bribery charges, when we returnr. [ thinking the camera has stopped rolling, she turns to face her offscreen co-anchor ] I told you about him, didn’t I? [ she motions her fingers together to represent a shrinking penis ] Woo-oo-ooh! Believe me, I have SEEN it! [ she looks up ] What? We’re still on the –? [ she panics ] Ummmmm….

[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]

Announcer: Human Interest reporter, Melanie Moore.

[ dissolve to her in-studio clip: interview with Trevor Johnson ]

Melanie Moore: I’m here with Trevor Johnson, who’s planning a big, black penis — a… big block party! [ she smiles ] Excuse me.

[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]

Announcer: Feature reporter, Christopher Smalls.

[ dissolve to his in-studio clip: animal expert segment ]

Christopher Smalls: Now… if I wanted to take the wife and kids to see some of these critters, what would — [ the lizard jumps out its cage and lands on Smalls’ jacket pocket ] Aiiiigghhhh!!! I’M DEAD!! I’M DEAD!! [ he faints ] [ dissolve to Youtube logo ]

: The ONLY local news team with over nine-million Youtube hits combined!

[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]

Announcer: Featuring, Sports Reporter Tom Geneveve.

[ dissolve to his exterior clip, standing in front of sports arena as a redneck wanders into the background and begins to accentuatethe bulge of his penis ]

Tom Geneveve: The Sioux City Bandits are off to a GREAT start this year. They beat Billings, 31 to 30 in overtime, and tomorrow they take on River City. That figures to be a great game —

[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]

Announcer: And… meteorologist, Andrea St. James.

[ dissolve to her exterior clip: amid howling wind ]

Andrea St. James: Winds have reached speeds of over 80 miles an — [ a milabox breezes past her face] WHOA!! That was a close one! [ scattered pieces of mail fly at her face and hit her instead ] AIIIGGGHHH!!!! So many paper cuts!!

[ cut to Michael Modesto and Tanya Mitchell at the news desk ]

Michael Modesto: Whoa-oa! Special Delivery! [ he chuckles, failing to get a rise of Tanya Mitchell ] [ dissolve to Sioux City 3 card ]

Announcer: Tune in and see why MORE people forward clips of THIS news team than ANY other!

[ cut to Tanya Mitchell looking off-camera, unaware that the tape is rolling ]

Tanya Mitchell: Hey. Hey, does that guy, Tino Donovan… does he — does he still sell weed? What? [ she glances at the camera, surprised ] Ohhhh!! [ she chuckles ] Ha-ha-HI!!

[ cut to group anchor shot ]

Announcer: Sioux City’s Channel 3 news team. Catch them tonight, or ANYT TIME, on your computer.

[ Tom Geneveve doubles over and pukes ]

Announcer: Quick! You’ve gotta see this!

[ fade ]

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