Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 4
Sioux City News 3
Michael Modesto…..Jason Sudeikis
Tanya Mitchell…..Anne Hathaway
Melanie Moore…..Casey Wilson
Trevor Johnson…..Kenan Thompson
Christopher Smalls…..Bobby Moynihan
Animal Expert…..Kristen Wiig
Tom Geneveve…..Will Forte
Andrea St. James…..Amy Poehler
Announcer: Stay tuned for your local news, on Channel 3 — Sioux city’s finest, AND America’s “Most Youtubed” news team![ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: With… lead anchor, Michael Modesto.
Michael Modesto V/O: “A local family has been left homeless –“
Michael Modesto: [ with “Holiday Fire” graphic over his left shoulder ] “A local family has been left homeless –” [ he snorts again ] “for the holidays, after –” [ he snorts louder, unable to maintain his composure ] Excuse me! [ he clears his throat ] “…after a fi-reee… after a fire that burned down their tree –” [ he cracks up harder, joined by his co-anchor ] I’m sorry! It’s not funny! Would you stop![ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: Co-anchor, Tanya Mitchell.[ dissolve to her in-studio clip ]
Tanya Mitchell: Up next, City Councilman Doug Parks faces bribery charges, when we returnr. [ thinking the camera has stopped rolling, she turns to face her offscreen co-anchor ] I told you about him, didn’t I? [ she motions her fingers together to represent a shrinking penis ] Woo-oo-ooh! Believe me, I have SEEN it! [ she looks up ] What? We’re still on the –? [ she panics ] Ummmmm….
Announcer: Human Interest reporter, Melanie Moore.[ dissolve to her in-studio clip: interview with Trevor Johnson ]
Melanie Moore: I’m here with Trevor Johnson, who’s planning a big, black penis — a… big block party! [ she smiles ] Excuse me.[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: Feature reporter, Christopher Smalls.
Christopher Smalls: Now… if I wanted to take the wife and kids to see some of these critters, what would — [ the lizard jumps out its cage and lands on Smalls’ jacket pocket ] Aiiiigghhhh!!! I’M DEAD!! I’M DEAD!! [ he faints ] [ dissolve to Youtube logo ]
: The ONLY local news team with over nine-million Youtube hits combined![ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: Featuring, Sports Reporter Tom Geneveve.[ dissolve to his exterior clip, standing in front of sports arena as a redneck wanders into the background and begins to accentuatethe bulge of his penis ]
Tom Geneveve: The Sioux City Bandits are off to a GREAT start this year. They beat Billings, 31 to 30 in overtime, and tomorrow they take on River City. That figures to be a great game —
Announcer: And… meteorologist, Andrea St. James.[ dissolve to her exterior clip: amid howling wind ]
Andrea St. James: Winds have reached speeds of over 80 miles an — [ a milabox breezes past her face] WHOA!! That was a close one! [ scattered pieces of mail fly at her face and hit her instead ] AIIIGGGHHH!!!! So many paper cuts!![ cut to Michael Modesto and Tanya Mitchell at the news desk ]
Michael Modesto: Whoa-oa! Special Delivery! [ he chuckles, failing to get a rise of Tanya Mitchell ] [ dissolve to Sioux City 3 card ]
Announcer: Tune in and see why MORE people forward clips of THIS news team than ANY other!
Tanya Mitchell: Hey. Hey, does that guy, Tino Donovan… does he — does he still sell weed? What? [ she glances at the camera, surprised ] Ohhhh!! [ she chuckles ] Ha-ha-HI!![ cut to group anchor shot ]
Announcer: Sioux City’s Channel 3 news team. Catch them tonight, or ANYT TIME, on your computer.[ Tom Geneveve doubles over and pukes ]
Announcer: Quick! You’ve gotta see this!