Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
I’m No Angel
Written by: Emily Spivey & Amy Poehler
Dude at Counter…..Jason Sudeikis
Table Dude 1…..Bobby Moynihan
Table Dude 2…..Bill Hader
Table Dude 3…..Andy Samberg
[ open on interior, honytonk bar ] [ MUSIC: “I’m No Angel”, Greg Allman ] [ a cowboy looks around the room until he spies a barfly sitting alone at the opposite side of the bar, then begins to exchange glances with her ] [ after a brief round of flirting, the barfly stands, revealing her excessively pregnant belly, which she begins to shake playfully ] [ the cowboy reacts with mild disappointment, but maintains his interest ] [ the barfly slowly crosses the room, receiving wide-eyed reactions to her belly from a dude at the counter, the bartender, and three dudes sitting at a table. All are flabbergasted at the sight, yet can’t take their eyes off of her. A non-pregnant waitress reacts with disgust to the hold the barfly has on these men, and throws her towel down and storms away. ] [ the barfly continues to cross the room, knocking over the bottles of beer and glasses that sit on the dudes’ table with her belly, then she seductively eats from their bowl of nuts ] [ te barfly asks Table Dude 1 to scoot up his chair so her belly can pass through, then she continues to shake her belly playfully in order to continue flirting with the cowboy ] [ the barfly then sits on the cowboy’s knee and gives him a lap dance ]
Cowboy: When’s your baby due?
Barfly: [ with a smirk ] Yesterday.
Cowboy: [ close-up of his shit-eating grin ] Perfect!
Barfly: [ to the camera ] What? [ holds up perfume bottle ] I’m no angel![ SUPER: “I’m No Angel” ]
Announcer: I’m No Angel. The new sensual frangrance from the old, weird Greg Allman.
Greg Allman: Mmm… that’s me! [ sniffs barfly’s hair ] And I smell a bun in the oven![ fade ]