Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
Jerry….. Bill Hader
Jim Deaver…..Josh Brolin
[Open on generic office building] [Dissolve to middle-aged businessman Carl sitting at a desk, as Jerry walks in the door. Carl rises to shake his hand]
Carl: Oh, hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, fart face. Ready for the meeting?[The two men sit]
Carl: Jerry, so this again, huh?
Jerry: Whats the matter, fart face?
Carl: Jerry, its been a week now and I think its about time you stopped calling me fart face.
Jerry: And why is that, fart face?
Carl: Because, for your information, Im not a fart face.
Jerry: Well, thats your opinion, fart face.
Carl: No, thats a lot of peoples opinions, Jerry.
Jerry: Fart face, fart face. Relax.
Carl: Why on earth should I relax right now, Jerry? Give me one good reason!
Jerry: Because Im just kidding, Carl. Im kidding. I dont think youre a fart face.
Carl: Oh. Well, good. You scared me there for a while there, Jerry. [he reaches for phone intercom] Okay, Carol. Carol, send in Jim Deaver.[Jim Deaver enters and the two men rise to greet him with handshakes]
Carl: Ah, hello, Jim.
Jim Deaver: Great to see you, Jerry.
Jerry: Id like to introduce you to one of the best ones weve got here. His given name is Carl, but he likes to be called fart face.
Jim Deaver: Hello, fart face.[The three men sit]
Carl: Uh, hello. Uh, yeah. Uh, Jim, could you plug up your ears for a moment, please?[Jim plugs up his ears]
Jim Deaver: Sure, fart face.
Carl: Jerry, when you call someone a fart face in a contained environment, Ill admit its a funny joke, okay. But to set it loose in a business meeting is damn near unforgivable!
Jerry: Sorry. Youre right. Youre absolutely right. From here on out you are Carl, not fart face.
Carl: Thank you. [Signalling Jim] Jim! Jim?
Jim Deaver: Uh, yes, fart face?
Carl: Yes, uh, Jerry has something to say.
Jim Deaver: Oh, thank you, fart face. What is it, Jerry?
Carl: Its about fart face.
Jim Deaver: What about him?
Carl: No, I mean its about the concept of using the name fart face to describe Carl.
Jim Deaver: Whos Carl again?[simultaneously]
Jerry: Fart face.
Jerry: I think it might be best if we address fart face as just plain Carl.
Jim Deaver: Well, if its all the same, Id like to continue calling him fart face.
Carl: Oh, great! Thanks, Jerry.
Jerry: Look, Im going to miss saying fart face as much as you, but its unfair, because if you spent any time with Carl, youd know his face does not smell of farts but rather of face.
Jim Deaver: Odor wise, Id agree, but Im talking about appearance. See, I believe that if a fart did have a face, [gestures at Carl] it would look exactly like fart face here.
Carl: How dare you!
Jerry: Youve gone over the line, Jim.
Jim Deaver: Well, you served me the Kool-Aid, Jerry. I just drank it.
Jerry: Well, spit it out!
Jim Deaver: No way, I dont want to stain fart faces rug.
Carl: Jim, you know full well that the Kool-Aid were referring to is metaphorical. Spitting it out will not damage anything in this office.
Jim Deaver: Well, tough luck. I love calling you fart face. It makes me feel good and Im not gonna stop. Fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face.
Jerry: Jim. Jim, youre being unreasonable.
Jim Deaver: If thats unreasonable, then I never want to be reasonable again. [Jim rises, followed by Carl and Jerry] Fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face!Carl [overlapping]: No, no, no, you will not do this in my office! No, no, no, no, no!
Jerry: [interrupting] Please, please, please, please. Deaver, Deaver, stop that, stop that, stop that! Stop that or else!
Jim Deaver: Or else what? What are you gonna do about it?
Jim Deaver: Right.[The three men sit]
Carl: Nothing at all [Pause] you freakin fart face.
Jim Deaver: What did you just call me?
Carl: Whats wrong, you got fart in your ears, you freakin fart face!
Jim Deaver: Okay, just, just wait a minute here. Youre the fart face!
Jerry: Theres only one fart face in this room and Im looking at him, and boy does his face smell like fart!
Carl: Yeah, thats right. Hes the new fart face!
Jim Deaver: No, hes not! He is a smart face! He is a clean face! He is a tough face! [Choking up] And he is a never-cry face!
Carl: Well, looks to me like hes an about-to-cry face!
Jim Deaver: No, hes not!
Jerry & Carl: [Pointing at Jim] FART FACE!
Jerry: Fart face! Fart face!
Jim Deaver: No, no, oh god, no!
Jerry & Carl: Fart face! Fart face! Fart face! Fart face![Jim, clutching his briefcase to his chest, rises]
Jim Deaver: If you think Im gonna give this contract to two people that just pulled a fart face turnaround on me, youve got another thing coming![Carl and Jerry stand, growing increasingly demonstrative with their anger as the conversation progresses]
Carl: Well, get ready to never work again, because the whole town is gonna hear that you cried in our office!
Jim Deaver: No!
Carl: You freakin fart face!
Jerry: Yeah, fart face!
Carl: Youre getting shut down, because nobody wants to work with a cry-baby fart face!
Jerry: Youre out of business, fart face!
Carl: Get outta here before the stink from your face kills all my plants, fart face!
Jim Deaver: No, no, no, I hate you! I hate you so much! [Runs out of office]
Carl: [Talking on cell phone] Hi, Terry? Guess who was just in our office crying like a little baby? That fart face Jim Deaver!
Jerry: [Talking on cell phone] Bob, this is Jerry. Jim Deaver just cried in our office. Spread the word!
Carl: [Talking on office phone] Carol, call Jim Jacobs, Tom Jacobs in accounting and tell em that Jim Deaver just cried in our office!
Jerry: [Talking on cell phone] Hey, Jim Deaver! We just told three people what you did in our office, you fart face!
Carl: Fart face!
Jerry: [Talking on cell phone] Hes crying! Go ahead and cry you Oh, no, he just shot himself.[Both run from office]
Submitted by: David Nusair