Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
He’s been dabbling in the market, and he doesn’t use a broker!
He hasn’t checked his stocks in months!
[CUT to MacGruber sipping from a frozen drink and pointing it toward the camera, against footage of flames.]
[CUT to an abandoned oil refinery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Oil Refinery.” CUT to a sign marked “Oil Refinery Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Kyle: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This refinery door is pressure-bolted shut!
Vicky: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — from the looks of that nitrogen bomb, this we’ve only got twenty seconds!
Kyle: What do we do, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, gang — this one’s a piece of cake! In fact, I even have time to check my stocks online! It’s so easy! [ he opens a laptop computer ] I just log into the web site…
Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: [ ignoring her ] Put in my password… “MacGruber” — do not tell anyone, you guys, I’m serious!
Kyle: MacGruber! What about the bomb?!
MacGruber: Okay, I’ll tell you what’s gonna be “da bomb”, Kyle — is when I use my tremendous stock earnings to take you out to a juicy steak dinner. Oooh-wee!
Vicky: TEN SECONDS!!
MacGruber: Okay, it’s loading…
Kyle: MacGruber! Hurry!
Vicky: FIVE seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Annnnnddd… we’re in!this?
[ MacGruber’s face turns sour, as he sees something online he doesn’t like. Kyle and Vicky shrug with bewildered curiosity. ]
MacGruber: What the fu —
[CUT to the oil refinery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
[FADE to black over applause.]