SNL Transcripts: Josh Brolin: 10/18/08: MacGruber II


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Kyle…..Josh Brolin

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of a car falling from the sky, a snake, and MacGruber losing his possessions.]

The market’s in a freefall, and he lost all his money!
They repossessed his houseboat, and he had to pawn his saxophone!
Toilet paper’s a luxury now!

[CUT to MacGruber stealing toilet paper and making a run for it, against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an Italian mafia hideout. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Italian Mafia Hideout.” CUT to a sign marked “Mafia Hideout Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Kyle: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door’s welded shut! We’re trapped!

Vicky: And, from the looks of this makeshift gamma bomb, this we’ve only got twenty seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, everybody calm down! Just because time’s are tough, doesn’t mean we can’t make it through with our dignity intact! We just have to stick together!

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!

MacGruber: Right! Kyle! Toss me that bobby pin!

Kyle: [ hands it over ] You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay. Vicky! Hand me that key!

Vicky: [ hands it over ] Right here, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay. Kyle! Give me a thousand-dollar interest-free loan!

Kyle: What?! No!

MacGruber: Just do it! We’re running out of time!

Kyle: No, I’m NOT loaning you any more money, MacGruber!


MacGruber: Okay, okay! Kyle! Hand me that watch!

Kyle: [ looking around ] What — what watch?

MacGruber: YOUR watch!!

Kyle: No! I got this from my DAD, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Fine! Vicky! Hand me that bottle!

Kyle: [ hands it over ] Here you go!

MacGruber: [ busts the bottle on the countertop and shoves the shards toward Kyle’s face ] Give me the watch! GIVE ME THE WATCH!!

Kyle: Okay! [ removes his watch and hands it over ] Here!

MacGruber: Nice… Casio. [ points his bottle shards toward Vicky ] Okay, Vicky… watch.

Vicky: [ whiny ] MacGruber… [ MacGruber snarls at her ] Fine! [ she removes her watch and hands it over ]

MacGruber: [ shakes a sock in front of their faces ] Uh, uh — all your wallets, wedding rings — all your valuables. Put ’em in the sock, now! Now, now, now, now, now, now!

[ assorted valuables are put into the sock ]

Vicky: [ whiny ] Nooo… that’s gross…

MacGruber: Okay, Vicky — how much time do we have?

Vicky: You took my WATCH, MacGruber!!

MacGruber: [ frantically digs through the sock ] I got it… I got it… [ he retrieves the watch ] Okay, it looks like we got about ten — no, no, no! ONE —

[CUT to the Italian mafia hideout exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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