Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of a car falling from the sky, a snake, and MacGruber losing his possessions.]
The market’s in a freefall, and he lost all his money!
They repossessed his houseboat, and he had to pawn his saxophone!
Toilet paper’s a luxury now!
[CUT to MacGruber stealing toilet paper and making a run for it, against footage of flames.]
[CUT to an Italian mafia hideout. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Italian Mafia Hideout.” CUT to a sign marked “Mafia Hideout Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Kyle: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door’s welded shut! We’re trapped!
Vicky: And, from the looks of this makeshift gamma bomb, this we’ve only got twenty seconds!
MacGruber: Okay, everybody calm down! Just because time’s are tough, doesn’t mean we can’t make it through with our dignity intact! We just have to stick together!
Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!
MacGruber: Right! Kyle! Toss me that bobby pin!
Kyle: [ hands it over ] You got it, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay. Vicky! Hand me that key!
Vicky: [ hands it over ] Right here, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay. Kyle! Give me a thousand-dollar interest-free loan!
Kyle: What?! No!
MacGruber: Just do it! We’re running out of time!
Kyle: No, I’m NOT loaning you any more money, MacGruber!
Vicky: TEN SECONDS!!
MacGruber: Okay, okay! Kyle! Hand me that watch!
Kyle: [ looking around ] What — what watch?
MacGruber: YOUR watch!!
Kyle: No! I got this from my DAD, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Fine! Vicky! Hand me that bottle!
Kyle: [ hands it over ] Here you go!
MacGruber: [ busts the bottle on the countertop and shoves the shards toward Kyle’s face ] Give me the watch! GIVE ME THE WATCH!!
Kyle: Okay! [ removes his watch and hands it over ] Here!
MacGruber: Nice… Casio. [ points his bottle shards toward Vicky ] Okay, Vicky… watch.
Vicky: [ whiny ] MacGruber… [ MacGruber snarls at her ] Fine! [ she removes her watch and hands it over ]
MacGruber: [ shakes a sock in front of their faces ] Uh, uh — all your wallets, wedding rings — all your valuables. Put ’em in the sock, now! Now, now, now, now, now, now!
[ assorted valuables are put into the sock ]
Vicky: [ whiny ] Nooo… that’s gross…
MacGruber: Okay, Vicky — how much time do we have?
Vicky: You took my WATCH, MacGruber!!
MacGruber: [ frantically digs through the sock ] I got it… I got it… [ he retrieves the watch ] Okay, it looks like we got about ten — no, no, no! ONE —
[CUT to the Italian mafia hideout exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
[FADE to black over applause.]