SNL Transcripts: Josh Brolin: 10/18/08: MacGruber III


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Kyle…..Josh Brolin

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of heroin, the beach, a car stereo transaction, and exploding buildings.]

He tried to sell his blood, but it’s tainted with heroin!
He’s sleeping on the beach, and stealing car stereos!
He’s running out of options!

[CUT to MacGruber, hair disheveled, standing against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a human traffic supply ship. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Human Traffic Supply Ship.” CUT to a sign marked “Supply Ship Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Merrill: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door is booby-trapped! We can’t get out!

Vicky: There’s MORE, Macgruber — that cluster bomb is set to blow in TWENTY seconds!

Kyle: What do we do, MacGruber!

MacGruber: [ sitting on the floor and shaking ] Okay, okay, okay, okay! Uh — uh — I’ll tell you what to do, if you give me some money!

Kyle: MacGruber, I’m NOT goving you money, this is your JOB!!

MacGruber: Oh! you’re right, you’re right… I gotta earn it!

Vicky: MacGruber! Focus!

MacGruber: Okay, uh — uh — uh, Kyle, hand me that ping-pong ball…

Kyle: [ hands it over ] You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay. Okay, now how much would you pay… to see me shoot this ping-pong ball out of my butt?

[ Kyle and Vicky shoot puzzled looks to MacGruber ]

Kyle: Huh?

MacGruber: Ten bucks? Come on, it’s a good bargain! I’ve been getting twenty on the street!

Kyle: No, MacGruber.

MacGruber: Okay — five bucks!

Kyle: NO! NO! NO!

MacGruber: Okay, I’m just gonna do it. Just — just — just pay whatever you think is fair. [ he pulls his pants down while remaining in a seated position ]

Kyle: MacGruber!

Vicky: Macgruber, don’t! You don’t have to do this, MacGruber!

Kyle: No, MacGruber!

Vicky: It’s okay, MacGruber!

Kyle: No, MacGruber! You don’t have to —

Vicky: You don’t have to do this!

[ MacGruber’s legs spread apart in front of the camera, and the ping-pong ball flies out and bounces between a stunned Kyle and Vicky ]

MacGruber: Yeah!

[CUT to the traffic supply ship exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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