Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of heroin, the beach, a car stereo transaction, and exploding buildings.]
He tried to sell his blood, but it’s tainted with heroin!
He’s sleeping on the beach, and stealing car stereos!
He’s running out of options!
[CUT to MacGruber, hair disheveled, standing against footage of flames.]
[CUT to a human traffic supply ship. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Human Traffic Supply Ship.” CUT to a sign marked “Supply Ship Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Merrill: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door is booby-trapped! We can’t get out!
Vicky: There’s MORE, Macgruber — that cluster bomb is set to blow in TWENTY seconds!
Kyle: What do we do, MacGruber!
MacGruber: [ sitting on the floor and shaking ] Okay, okay, okay, okay! Uh — uh — I’ll tell you what to do, if you give me some money!
Kyle: MacGruber, I’m NOT goving you money, this is your JOB!!
MacGruber: Oh! you’re right, you’re right… I gotta earn it!
Vicky: MacGruber! Focus!
MacGruber: Okay, uh — uh — uh, Kyle, hand me that ping-pong ball…
Kyle: [ hands it over ] You got it, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay. Okay, now how much would you pay… to see me shoot this ping-pong ball out of my butt?
[ Kyle and Vicky shoot puzzled looks to MacGruber ]
MacGruber: Ten bucks? Come on, it’s a good bargain! I’ve been getting twenty on the street!
Kyle: No, MacGruber.
MacGruber: Okay — five bucks!
Kyle: NO! NO! NO!
MacGruber: Okay, I’m just gonna do it. Just — just — just pay whatever you think is fair. [ he pulls his pants down while remaining in a seated position ]
Vicky: Macgruber, don’t! You don’t have to do this, MacGruber!
Kyle: No, MacGruber!
Vicky: It’s okay, MacGruber!
Kyle: No, MacGruber! You don’t have to —
Vicky: You don’t have to do this!
[ MacGruber’s legs spread apart in front of the camera, and the ping-pong ball flies out and bounces between a stunned Kyle and Vicky ]
[CUT to the traffic supply ship exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
[FADE to black over applause.]