Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
[ open on backstage kitchen area, as Andy Samberg roots through the fridge. He closes the fridge door to reveal Mark Wahlberg standing in wait along the wall. ]
[ Andy screams ]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, Andy.
Andy Samberg: Ohhhh, Mark Wahlberg! Hi! How are you?
Mark Wahlberg: [ menacingly ] Oh, not so good, Andy. I mean, I saw the last show.
Andy Samberg: You did?
Mark Wahlberg: Yes, I did. And I gotta tell you, I’m very upset about this imitation, the thing with the animals. I mean, what is that?
Andy Samberg: Yeah, it was just a stupid thing we did! It was stupid!
Mark Wahlberg: Well, I gotta be honest with you, buddy — I’ve been thinking about breaking that big, beautiful nose of yours.
Andy Samberg: Sure. sure, it’s big and beautiful… yeah…
Mark Wahlberg: But, you know what? I decided not to, being the churchgoing guy that I am. But, I mean, it’s nothing like me. What was that?
Andy Samberg: I know… I agree with you, and the thing I’d like to say…
[ Amy Poehler walks up ]
Amy Poehler: Hey. How you doing?
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, Amy Poehler! How’s it going?
Amy Poehler: Pretty good.
Mark Wahlberg: You’re pregnant. What’s that all about, huh?
Amy Poehler: [ shrugs ] I don’t know.
Mark Wahlberg: Well, it’s nice to see you. Say hi to your mother for me.
Amy Poehler: Okay.
[ she walks off ]
Mark Wahlberg: So, Andy — where were we?
Andy Samberg: Uh — you were saying my impression was way off.
Mark Wahlberg: Yeah, I mean, look — I don’t get it. It was very inaccurate, you know?
Andy Samberg: Again — yeah…
[ Josh Brolin walks up ]
Josh Brolin: Hey, Mark!
Mark Wahlberg: Heyyy, Josh Brolin!
Josh Brolin: What’s going on?
Mark Wahlberg: How are you doing?
Josh Brolin: I’m good, good!
Mark Wahlberg: You were in the “Goonies” movie, right? [ Brolin nods, confused ] I produce “Entourage”!
Josh Brolin: Yeah, I-I-I know…
Mark Wahlberg: Say hi to your mother for me, alright?
Josh Brolin: Okay. [ turns and exits ]
Mark Wahlberg: And your stepmother.
Andy Samberg: Look, Mark, I-I didn’t mean any offense by you. I’m a fan of your movies…
Mark Wahlberg: Whoa, hold on a second. [ he approaches a donkey being held by a rope by a costumed Kenan Thompson ] Hey! Hey, donkey!
Kenan Thompson: What’s up, Mark?
Mark Wahlberg: How’s it going? You live in a barn, right? I’m in “Max Payne”. Have you see that movie? [ the donkey turns itself around ] Okay, donkey. Say hi to your mother for me. [ he returns to Andy ] So… Andy. I’m — actually, I’m glad we had this talk. I feel better.
Andy Samberg: Good. You know, me, too. [ he grimaces ] “Say hi to your mother for me?”
Mark Wahlberg: [ starts to throw a punch, then stops ] You know what? I’m not gonna go there. [ extends his arms ] Give me a hug. Come on! We’re gonna hug it out, bitch!
Andy Samberg: Alright…
[ they hug ]
Mark Wahlberg: I love you.
Andy Samberg: God bless you.
Mark Wahlberg: Never again, okay?
Andy Samberg: Okay.
Mark Wahlberg: Okay!
Andy Samberg: Alright.
[ Andy runs away, flailing ]
[ fade ]