Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
Palin Press Conference
Tim Lydecker…..Jason Sudeikis
Gov. Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
Reporter 1…..Fred Armisen
Reporter 2…..Will Forte
…..Gov. Sarah Palin
[ open on C-Span logo ]
Announcer: We now take you live to the press confenrece of vice-presidential candidate, Sarah Palin.
[ dissolve to press conference setting ]
Tim Lydecker: Good evening, I’m Tim Lydecker, Sarah Palin’s spokesman, and we’re very excited to be holding the Governor’s first official press conference. Now, tonight, nothing is off-limits — while, at the same time, I urge you guys to be cool. Seriously, guys, just be cool. And one last thing: no recording devices, and don’t write anything down.
[ the reporters express their opposition to this rule ]
Tim Lydecker: [ in mock surrender ] Okay, alright, alright! It was worth a shot! Can’t blame me for trying. Without further ado, I present Governor Sarah Palin.
[ Gov. Sarah Palin enters and stands behind the podium ]
Gov. Sarah Palin: First off, I just want to say how excited I am to be in front of both the liberal elite media, as well as the liberal regular media. I am lookin’ forward to a portion of your questions, so let’s get started. [ points ] Yes, you?
Reporter 1: What were your thoughts on Senator McCain’s debate performance Wednesday?
Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, I just thought he was great. Because the American people are angry. And John McCain is angry, too. And you can tell he’s angry by the way he sighs and grits his teeth, and he’s always goin’ like: [ she makes a growling noise ] And that Barack Obama? Well, if he’s angry, I certainly can’t tell. His voice is smooth, and, when he’s talkin’, it’s like an angel whispering in your ear. He makes John McCain sound like a garbage truck unloading trash at a landfill. So, to answer your question, yes, I think John McCain did great. [ points ] You, guy?
Reporter 2: Yeah, at a rally in North Carolina this week, you said that you like to visit the “pro-America parts of the country”. Are there parts of the country that you consider un-American?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Oh, you know, that was just my lame attempt at a joke. But, um, yes — New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Delaware and California. [ she gives a thumbs-down ] But, then, also, too, you have states like Ohio and Pennsylvania and Florida, which could be real, real anti-American or real, real pro-American. It’s up to them. [ she winks ] And now, I’d like to entertain everybody with some fancy pageant walkin’.
[ she begins to strut the stage ]
[ cut to backstage, where Lorne Michaels and the real Sarah Palin stare at Tina Fey’s performance on a monitor ]
Lorne Michaels: I really wish, uh, that that had been you.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Well, Lorne, you know, I just didn’t think it was a realistic depiction of how one of my press conferences woulda gone.
Lorne Michaels: Yes, but it’s obviously it’s a heightened reality.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Why couldn’t we do the “30 Rock” sketch I wrote?
Lorne Michaels: Honestly, not enough people know that show.
[ Mark Wahlberg enters ]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: Mark? Mark!
Mark Wahlberg: I’m looking for Andy Samberg. Where is he?
Lorne Michaels: Mark, that was all in good fun.
Mark Wahlberg: Are you gonna make me bust your head open, too? Because I will. Where is he?
Lorne Michaels: [ pointing ] Third dressing room on the left.
Mark Wahlberg: Thank you.
[ he storms off ]
Lorne Michaels: [ to Palin ] He didn’t like the impression we did of him on the show.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Tell me about it.
[ Alec Baldwin enters ]
Alec Baldwin: Hey, Lorne. Hey, Tina. Lorne, I need to talk to you. You can’t let Tina go out there with that woman. She goes against everything we stand for. I mean, good Lord, Lorne, they call her… what’s that name they call her? Cari… Cari… What do they call her again, Tina?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Uh, that’d be Caribou Barbie.
Alec Baldwin: Caribou Barbie! Thank you, Tina. I mean, this is the most important election in our nation’s history. And you want her — our Tina — to go out there and stand there with that horrible woman. What do you have to say for yourself?
Lorne Michaels: Alec, this is Governor Palin.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Hi there.
Alec Baldwin: I see. Uh — forgive me, but I feel I must say this — YOU… are way hotter in person.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Why, thank you.
Alec Baldwin: I mean, seriously. I can’t believe they let her play you.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Thank you, and I must say that your brother Stephen is my favorite Baldwin brother.
Alec Baldwin: [ he laughs ] You are a delight. Now, come, let me take you for a tour of the studio. You know, I’ve hosted the show… how many times, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: 175 times.
Alec Baldwin: 175 times!
[ Baldwin walks Palin down the hall, as we cut back to the sketch in progress ]
Gov. Sarah Palin: To answer your question — you know, I don’t worry about the polls. Polls are just a fancy way of systematically predicting what’s gonna happen. The only pole I care about is the North Pole, and that is melting. It’s not great.
[ Baldwin walks up to Fey and whispers in her ear ]
Tina Fey: [ startled ] What? The real one?! Bye-ee!
[ Fey rushes past Palin to exit the stage, as Palin takes the podium ]
Gov. Sarah Palin: Thank you. Now, I’m not going to take any of your questions, but I do want to take this opportunity to say: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”