Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
Man with dog…..Bobby Moynihan
Stocky black man…..Kenan Thompson
[ quick-cut footage of Wall Street localities ]
Spokesman V/O: Wall Street. The financial capitol of the world. It can be a pretty scary place these days.[ cut to Spokesman standing in front of Wall Street ]
Spokesman: Especially when your portfolio’s in someone else’s hands! That’s why, at Readitrade.com, we put the trading power in your hands.[ quick-cut footage of various investors living the high-life: drinking lattes, catching cabs, etc. ]
Spokesman V/O: With your Readitrade account, you can manage your portfolio in your own way. so you can enjoy that latte, while you sell your stocks.
Spokesman V/O: Or… spend time with an old friend. While you sell all your old stocks.[ cut to stocky black man talking on the cell phone as he checks his investments online ]
Spokesman V/O: You can even warn friends to sell their stocks, while you sell every one of your stocks.[ cut to Spokesman standing in front of Wall Street ]
Spokesman: With Readitrade.com, you can do ANYTHING you WANT to do in today’s market![ options scroll up the screen ]
Spokesman V/O: Sell stocks. Sell bonds. Sell annuities. Sell your 401(k). Sell your spouse’s 401(k). Sell your parent’s house. Sell your aluminum siding. Sell things you took from church. Sell mutual fund shares. Sell drugs. Or change your password.[ cut to stocky black man checking the web site from his home ]
Spokesman V/O: Plus, our easy-to-use web site makes trading a snap![ cut to Spokesman walking down Wall Street ]
Spokesman: So check us out at Readitrade.com.
Spokesman V/O: Now featuring Readitrade mobile. Cell phone alerts that’ll let you know when the entire finally has finally collapsed.[ executive checks his investments over his cell phone, then screams in horror ]
Executive: Whhhhhyyyyyyyyy????!!!!![ fade ]