Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
Grace´s husband….Will Forte
(Opens with a Japanese restaurant, cut to inside of it. A group of friends are sitting in the dojo looking room. It has a tiny table, everyone sits around it on the floor with the shoes off. A fish tank filled with lobsters is in the back)
Chris: So, thank you guys for coming tonight. I´m sure you´re all probably wondering what´s this dinner all about. And I got some great news! I´m planning on proposing to Kath tonight.
(Sue with her big multicolored sweater is getting excited)
Sue: Oh, my Go-o-od!
Chris: She thinks this is just gonna be a casual dinner just with family and friends. She has no idea that I´m gonna pop the question. Ok?
Sue: Oh, my Go-o-od!
Grace: How romantic.
Grace´s Husband: Yeah, I bet she´s gonna cry.
Sue: Oh, my God! Here?! At Takasowi´s?!
Rick: Yes, Sue. What´s going on with you?
Sue: I love surprises! I love being involved! Oh, God! I´m so FRICKIN´excited!
(Sue rocks back and forth)
Chris: Well, thanks for being here cause I´m happy too. You´re all so special to her and I know its going to mean a lot to her having you here so much.
Sue: When is it happening?
Chris: Soon. But look, before she gets here I want to go over how exactly is gonna work. Because you know, I´m a little nervous myself.
Grace: Oh, I remember when—
Sue:(containing her excitement) I´m sorry! She does not know this is happening! Oh, God! We do! We KNOW!
Chris: Sue, calm down. We know, its fine, its fine. Look, she´s gonna text me when she´s almost here and I just need you guys to act normal. I don´t want her to have any idea that this is happening.
(Sue can´t barely contain herself, she stuffs a handful of butterfly fritters on her mouth)
Rick: Sure. Sue? Sue? Sue? Are you all right?
Sue:(chewing) I get weak and then I got hungry and now my mouth is…(unintelligible mumbling)
Grace´s Husband: Sue, you need to get a hold of yourself.
Sue: Yeah, I´m all right. (drinks water) I´m gonna do it! Oh, God!
Chris: Grace, look, what do you think? I´m trying to decide whether I just present the ring or maybe I should hide it in her food…
Sue: HIDE IT!!! She is gonna come in here! She´s gonna think this is all about sushi but it is not! Oh, God! Her life is gonna change! She is not expecting this!
Grace: Well, I think hiding it in the food is very romantic.
Grace´s Husband: Yes, it is definitely a surprise.
Chris: (checking phone) Oh, my God! Here it is. She just texted me. My gosh, she´s gonna be here any minute. Oh, I´m really nervous, I´m really nervous. (looks over to Sue) What is she doing?
(Sue rolls around the floor, grabbing her mat and folding it around her)
Sue: She texted you!! Guys, she´s gonna be here soon!! What are we doing?! What are we doing?!
Chris: Sue, get up! Don´t ruin this. Oh, shoot. I have to think, I have to think, I have to think…all right. So, real quickly, this is where Kath is gonna be, she´s gonna be eating and then she´ll find the ring…..
Sue: (rocking sideways) Yes…yes…
Chris:….then I´m gonna say a bunch of stuff like mushy stuff, but I won´t do that. I´ll save that stuff for the real thing. And then I´m gonna pop the question and she´ll say….I don´t know. What do you think she´ll say?
Sue: I DO-O-O-O!!! (arms up in the air) That´s what she´s gonna say!!! She´s gonna say yes!!!
Grace: Sue, Sue what is wrong with you?
Chris: Oh, my God, guys! She´s coming, she´s coming. Sue, I think you should just get out of here. Rick, get her out of here.
(Rick takes Sue away)
(Kath enters the restaurant)
Kath: Hi, sweetie.
Chris: Hi, honey.(kiss)
Grace´s Husband: How you doing?
Kath: Hey, I thought Sue was coming.
(Sue is behind the fish tank biting on the collar of her sweater)
Grace´s Husband: She went to wash her hands.
Grace: Yeah, she should be back any minute.
Rick: She´s back.
(Sue has a lobster´s claw clamped in her mouth)
Kath: What is Sue doing?
Chris: Oh, she´s just– she´s just joking around.
Kath: Ok, well….
Sue: Things are gonna change for you tonight!!!
Rick: Sue, don´t.
Sue: There´s a surprise for you!! What?! Oh, God! Question coming…something I can´t talk about!! Who?!! Him and You!!! Tonight!! It is happening!! Oh, my God! Don´t look at your food!!! Oh, stop it!! Who said that?! I´m saying!!! Oh, God here it comes!! Oh, God Here it comes!! I´m gonna say it!! Oh, God! oh, God! Here it comes!!!
Rick: Sue, shut up, shut up!
(Waiter comes with tray)
Waiter: Glass wine?
(Sue takes the wine, splashes it on her own face and smashes the glass on her head, falls unconscious)
Kath: What is happening?!
Chris: This isn´t exactly how I wanted to do it but I don´t want this surprise to get ruined before I have this chance so….
(Chris takes ring out and gets down on one knee)
Kath: Oh, my gosh!
Grace: Oh, he´s getting on one knee.
(Sue gets up all excited)
Sue: ONE KNEE!!! I LOVE TRADITION!!!
(Sue jumps through the paper partition doors of the restaurant)
Chris: Kath, will you marry me?
Kath: Oh, my gosh, Chris! Yes! Yes! (hugs Chris)
Kath: We´re getting married.
(Sue jumps back in through the hole, grabs a piece of the door)
Sue: AHH, SHE SAID YES!!! THERE´S GONNA BE A WEDDING!!! AAAHHH!!
(Sue jumps back out of the hole)
Chris: I love you, honey. (kisses Kath)
(cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel