Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
The Suze Orman Show
Suze Orman…..Kristen Wiig
Michelle (on phone)…..Amy Poehler
Dick Dunkendirk…..Josh Brolin
Announcer: It’s… “The Suze Orman Show”![ dissolve to Orman on her set ]
Suze Orman: Hello, my friends! And welcome to a special episode of “The Suze Orman Show”. As you all know right now, our country’s financial health is, as my sweet rabbi used to say, “sucking wind.” How bad is this crisis? Well, my dear, dear friends, let me answer that question WITH a question. Have you ever left a bowl of broccoli in your microwave while you went out of town for a year? Then came home to a stench so foul it caused your hair to stand on end and then repart itself on the other side? Well… I… have! And I’ll tell you, the smell doesn’t even compare to the hot FUNK that is rising from our country’s economy! One good thing that has come out of this chaos is that I have been everywhere lately. I’ve been on “Oprah”, “Larry King”, “The Today Show”… I’ve been busier than the map of the world fabric that lines my favorite safari vest that I got in a gift bag two years ago when I attended the release party of the new Snapple flavor African Berry Tea Blossom Lemon!
We are going to open the phone lines early tonight, my dear people friends. Because I know you have a lot of questions! So, like I say to my life partner when she’s hugging our glow-in-the-dark constellations quilt that I got from my favorite store in the Phoenix Airport, Dream Spirit Catcher of the Horse Wind”… “Come on, baby, lay it on!” Hello, is this Michelle?
Michelle (on phone): Uh, yes. Hi, Suze, thanks for taking my call.
Suze Orman: How can I help you, Michelle, my belle?
Michelle (on phone): Well, we just bought a house last year, and we have quite a bit of money tied up in stocks…
Suze Orman: Hold it right there, Michelle. I already know what your question is. You were going to ask me, “Suze, where the F did you get that jacket?”
Michelle (on phone): Uh, no. I was actually going to ask…
Suze Orman: Well, here’s the scoop-a-doop doop: I won this jacket at a silent auction in 1999. I had to have it as soon as I heard it was worn in by an extra in an episode of “Suddenly Susan”. And, sorry, Michelle, I will keep this jacket until the day I die! Literally! Because I am going to be buried in it when I take my final dirt nap! Does that answer your question, Michelle?[ hang-up sound effect ]
Suze Orman: Onward and outward. The next caller is here on the show, via satellite from Colorado. Please welcome Dick Dunkendirk. Hello, boyfriend!
Dick Dunkendirk: Hello, Suze! I love your show!
Suze Orman: And so… do… I! Dick, I understand in the past few weeks, you, like so many, lost everything.
Dick Dunkendirk: I sure have, Suze. The only things I have left in my name are a portable shed and two incomplete decks of Cranium cards. Literally! It’s funny, a couple of years ago I considered it a problem deciding which sushi restaurant to take my Romanian supermodel girlfriend to. Now I have to decide between using my Mr. Coffee filters as toilet paper, or sewing them together to make a fake shirt to wear on job interviews! [ he laughs ] Help me out here, Suze! I really screwed the poodle!
Suze Orman: Okay, I’m going to give it to you straight, boyfriend.
Dick Dunkendirk: Okay!
Suze Orman: I think it’s time for you to bust into your emergency savings account. Sorryyyy!
Dick Dunkendirk: Uh, Suze, I-I don’t think that you heard me right. I have NOTHING! I-I took a sponge bath this morning in a TJ Maxx bathroom. It’s grim, Suze.
Suze Orman: Okay, then I hate to say it, but it’s time for you to take the penalty and cash in a small percentage of your pension. Okay, my dear? All better?
Dick Dunkendirk: Nnnno! Not okay. Not all better. You know, yesterday I caught a roach and I thought about selling it to someone in a nursing home as a pet. So, let me repeat: things are not good! [ he laughs nervously ]
Suze Orman: Okay, then, now I get it. This… is… serious. The very first thing you need to do is combine all your checking and savings accounts, and put them into a Roth IRA immediately!
Dick Dunkendirk: My bed is four opened pizza boxes lined with Pampers! Okay?
Suze Orman: And then take what’s left over and get a small apartment, lease a car, and start over.
Dick Dunkendirk: Hey! Crazy Cakes! You’re not hearing me! Last night, I cooked my own hair over a match and ATE it! Oh, and did I mention I sold my nipples to a medical school? [ he lifts his shirt to reveal bandages where his nipples once were ] Bye! [ he walks away ]
Suze Orman: What a wonderful story! Well, that is it for today. Look, I know a lot of you are feeling hopeless in this current financial crisis, so I suggest, for just a few hours, you turn off the news, put down the paper, and curl up with a good book. This one always brightens my mood — it’s an entire book of cats painted into great works of art, and it’s called “Master Pussies”. [ she holds up the book ]
I hope you enjoyed today’s show as much as I did. I especially had a great time with Dick, and that’s the first time I’ve ever said that phrase! But, before I say goodbye, I want you to remember, friends: it’s people first, then money, then things, then jackets. Bye bye, now![ fade ]