Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 5
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Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte
Jean K. Jean…..Kenan Thompson
…..Gov. Sarah Palin
Eskimos…..Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg
Todd Palin…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. And here are tonight’s top stories:
Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week, billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced Friday that he will continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial crisis. So remember, everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as you’re the richest man on earth.
Former Vice President Dan Quayle has advised vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin to “just be yourself”. Unfortunately, he spelled “yourself” with three l’s and a 6.
Seth Meyers: Newark, New Jersey’s, Catholic Archbishop is upset that part of Bill Maher’s new movie, “Religulous”, was filmed at his parish — but not as upset as he was the day the Lord chose him to be Archbishop of Newark.
Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, this week, wrote a legal decision that was a parody of a Mickey Spillane novel. Using phrases such as “tough as a three dollar steak” and “just another day at the office.” Not to be outdone, Judge Clarence Thomas wrote a decision as a letter to Penthouse.
Amy Poehler: According to a new survey, black people in America save and invest less money than white people. A decision, I’m guessing, black people are feeling pretty good about right now.
In a new memoir, “Brady Bunch” star Maureen McCormick admits that she was a cocaine fiend, who swapped sex for drugs, partied at the Playboy Mansion, and slept with co-star Barry Williams. This comes on the heels of last summer’s hot memoir, “Tiger: Anybody’s Bitch”.
Seth Meyers: Sex offenders in Maryland are now required to post signs on their doors that read: “No candy at this residence,” on Halloween or face a possible parole violation. They are also being required to take down the signs that read: “Knock if you can keep a special secret.”
Amy Poehler: In Wednesday night’s debate, the major party candidates sparred over issues ranging from health care to the economy to Roe v. Wade. Missing from that debate were several minor party candidates who could have a profound effect on the election. Here, representing the Write-In Party, Tim Calhoun.
Tim Calhoun: [ gripping the microphone nervously, then motions his hands throughout his speech ] I am Tim Calhoun, and I’m running for the office of President of… [ consults his note cards ] America.
[ he flips to his next note card ]
I think I would make a real good president, ’cause I’m hockey dad… soccer uncle… football cousin… ping-pong brother… and Donkey Kong best friend.
[ he flips to his next note card ]
My opponents have been using my full name to scare people. Is it my fault that my middle name is “Boo!”?
[ he flips to his next note card ]
According to ne blind poll, I’m a real good lover. [ he nods ] The blind Pole’s name is Masha. And I think it also helps that she has no sense of smell.
[ he flips to his next note card ]
I’m going to take a moment to draw attention to my flag pin. [ he glances down at both lapels, but sees no flag pin ] Where’d it go..? Oh, yeah. [ he turns around to reveal a giant flag pin on his back, then turns back around in his seat ]
[ he flips to his next note card ]
Here’s where I stand on issues: The economy is looking real ugly… but I’ve been there. So I propose we take the economy, put a bag over its face, shotgun a few beers, and then just get it over with.
[ he flips to his next note card ]
“Drill, baby, drill.” No way! Not on my teeth! I hate baby dentists!
[ he flips to his next note card ]
Sometimes sirens are just too loud. I propose we make a quieter siren, for library fires.
[ he flips to his next note card ]
In conclusion, and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun. Isn’t it about time America had a president with two extra toes and webbed feet?
Amy Poehler: Tim Calhoun, everyone!
Seth Meyers: It is rumored that Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s divorce has been caused by Madonna’s relationship with Yankee Alex Rodriguez. This, after Rodriguez announced he was separating from his wife of six years, Derek Jeter.
Amy Poehler: Belgian Luc Costermans, this, week broke the world blind driver speed record, reaching a top speed of 192 mph. That’s what they told him, anyway. [ photo: Luc Costermans sitting in front of a giant fan while using a frisbee as a steering wheel ]
A woman in California, who took her twelve-year-old daughter to a park to fight another girl, has been arrested after allegedly joining in the fight. [ feigning tears ] I, for one, can only imagine what it’s like to have a mother who loves you that much.
Seth Meyers: Retired surgeon Gary Michelson is offering $75 million to the first person or group who can come up with new ways to sterilize cats and dogs. Meanwhile, cats and dogs are offering $80 million to anyone who can assassinate Gary Michelson.
Amy Poehler: America’s financial crisis has spilled over into Europe, with European markets plunginging 22% last week. Here, with a firsthand perspective on the situation, is the top Def Jam comedian in Europe, France’s own Jean K. Jean.
Jean K. Jean: Well, whoo! Alright! Bonjour, Amy! Bon to the jour, Seth!
Amy Poehler: Hey, Jean! Now, do you see evidence of financial collapse in your country?
Jean K. Jean: Oh, absolutely, Amy! People are BROKE up in France! Brothers be eatin’ pan au chocolate without the chocolate! Just PAN!! You know, I saw a mon the other day — he didn’t even have a ROOF on his imaginary HOUSE!! I’m telling you! Last week, I went to the supermarchet, to get a bottle of Perrier. Man, all I could afford was a glass of TAP WATER and a straw to blow my own bubbles!
[ he jumps up and dances to a beat before taking his seat ]
In-cre-able! It’s gettin’ cold out by my house. I live up in Marsay. It’s so cold up in Marsay, brothers aren’t wearin’ berets. They’re wearin’ brrrrrrr-ets! If it gets any colder, I’m gonna have to go to the beach wearin’ TWO speedos!
[ he jumps up and dances to a beat before taking his seat ]
In-cre-able! France got a new First Lady, y’all! That’s right! Carla Bruni is up in the maison! She is FINE!! Whoo, she’s fine! Gave me a baguette in my pants! And y’all know the other European leaders be jealous, right? If Angela Myrtle look at her, it be like, “Hmm! I bet she thinks she’s all that and a bag of palm fries!” Carla Bruni’s so fine, she goes to the GA Summit, they’ll have to rename it the “GA That Bitch FINE Summit!”
[ he jumps up and dances to a beat before taking his seat ]
Tout et lourdes! Okay, I love you!
Amy Poehler: Jean K. Jean, everyone!
Seth Meyers: Two Indonesian men believe they were put into a trance by a mystic, causing them to get tattoos of dragons on their faces after being promised jobs as government intelligence officers. The mystic’s name? Captain Morgan.
A second teenager has been left at an area hospital under Nebraska’s new safe-haven law, which allows parents to abandon their children without fear of prosecution. Or, what is known in Manhattan, as boarding school.
Amy Poehler: After two weeks of cancelled shows on her “Rock Witchu” tour, Janet Jackson revealed that she has been suffering from “migraine-associated vertigo”. So, while she may not be able to “rock witchu”, she could still “sit witchu” or “lean against something really stable witchu”.
Seth Meyers: And now, here to clear up some misconceptions about her campaign, Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin.
Gov Sarah Palin: Thank you, Seth. Thanks, Amy. And thanks for the chance to come out here tonight. But I’ve been thinking it over, and… I’m not going to do the piece we rehearsed.
Seth Meyers: But you were so good at it.
Gov Sarah Palin: Oh, I know. It was really fun, too. But my gut is telling me it might be a bad idea for the campaign.
Seth Meyers: Are you sure?
Gov Sarah Palin: Yeah. After a lot of thought, I think it might just cross the line.
Seth Meyers: Okay, well… in that case, Amy, do you want to do Governor Palin’s part instead?
Amy Poehler: I-I guess I could give it a try.
Seth Meyers: Do you remember it?
Amy Poehler: I kind of remember it… [ in hardcore rap demeanor ] 1. 2. 3…
[ a beat kicks in ]
“My name is Sarah Palin, you all know me!
Vice-prezzy nominee of the G.O.P.!
Gonna need your vote, in the next election!
Can I get a what-what, from the senior section?
McCain got experience
McCain got style!
But don’t let him freak you out
when he tries to smile!
‘Cuz that smile be creepy
But when I’m V.P.
All the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me!”
[ two Eskimos enter and stand behind amy ]
Amy Poehler: “How’s it go, Eskimos?”
Eskimos: “Eskimos!”
Amy Poehler: “Tell, tell me what you know, Eskimos!”
Eskimos: “Eskimos!”
Amy Poehler: “How ya’ feel, Eskimos?”
Eskimos: “Ice cold!”
Amy Poehler: “Tell, tell me what you feel, Eskimos!”
Eskimos: “Super cold!”
Amy Poehler:
“I’m Jeremiah Wright, ‘cuz tonight I’m the preacher,
I got a bookish look, and you’re all hot for teacher.”
[ reveal Seth Meyers and Gov. Sarah Palin enjoying Amy’s rap, as Todd Palin joins the performance ]
Amy Poehler:
“Todd looking fine, on his snow machine
So hot for each other, need a go-between
In Wasilla, we just chill, baby, chilla
But when I see oil, it’s…”
All: “Drill, baby, drilla!!”
Amy Poehler:
“My country tis of thee
From my porch, I can see
Russ-ia and such.
All the mavericks in the house, put your hands up!
All the mavericks in the house, put your hands up!
All the plumberss in the house, pull your pants up!
All the plumberss in the house, pull your pants up!”
[ reveal Gov. Sarah Palin raising the roof ]
Amy Poehler:
“When I say Obama, you say Ayers!Obama!”
Eskimos: Ayers!
Amy Poehler: Obama!
Eskimos: Ayers!
Amy Poehler:
“I built me a bridge, and it ain’t going nowhere!
Ooooohhhhhhhh!
McCain/Palin
Gonna put the nail in
The coffin, of the media elite!”
Eskimos: “She likes red meat!”
[ an extra in a moose costume crosses the set ]
Amy Poehler:
“Shoot a mutha humpin’ moose, eight days of the week!”
[ a shotgun blast fells the moose ]
Amy Poehler:
“Now you’re dead!
Now you’re dead!
‘Cuz I’m an animal, and I’m bigger than you!
Holdin’ a shotgun, workin’ the pump!
Everybody party, we goin’ on a hunt!”
All: “La la la la la la la la!!”
[ shotgun blasts ]
Amy Poehler:
“Yo, I’m Palin! I’m out!”
[ Amy and her entourage exit, as snow begins to fall ]
Seth Meyers: [ to Palin ] I think, uh — I think you made the right decision not to do that.
Gov Sarah Palin: You betcha!
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!
Gov Sarah Palin: I’m Sarah Palin! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
