Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 6
Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women
Don Draper…..Jon Hamm
Second Woman…..Casey Wilson
Nathaniel Snerpus…..Fred Armisen
Third Woman…..Amy Poehler
[ open on title card ]
Announcer: And now, “Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women”.
Don Draper: Hello, I’m Don Draper, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have affairs with many women.[ show clips of affair scenes from “Mad Men” ]
Don Draper V/O: Some say, “Boy, Don, how do you do it?”[ cut back to Don Draper in his office ]
Don Draper: Well, it’s simple. And you can do it, too, if you follow my four easy steps.
Step 1: When in doubt, remain absolutely silent.[ cue sultry music, as a woman enters Don’s office ]
Jessica: Hi, I’m Jessica.[ Don remains silent, staring at her intently ]
Jessica: We’re shy, aren’t we?[ Don remains silent ]
Jessica: [ desperately ] Marry me! I want to have your children![ Don stares over Jessica’s shoulder and into the camera with a smirk ]
Don Draper: See?[ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]
Don Draper: Step 2: When asked about your past, give vague, open-ended answers.[ cut to Don seated in the executive boardroom, as a second woman approaches him ]
Second Woman: So, Don… tell me about your family. Any brothers and sisters?[ Don stops what he’s doing, and turns his gaze away from her ]
Don Draper: There… was a man. Bright… shiny shoes. [ he half-smiles ] I saw him dancing… until the accident.
Second Woman: [ she sighs seductively ] Oh, how mysterious![ cut to close-up of Don, as he winks at the camera ] [ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]
Don Draper: Step 3: Have a great name.
Don Draper: [ cut to group of women giggling in the office, as a male co-worker stands over their cubicle ]
Nathaniel Snerpus: Hi! I’m Nathaniel Snerpus.[ the women roll their eyes, then rise to get away from him ] [ one of the women passes Don Draper upon her exit, and stops to introduce herself ]
Third Woman: Well, hello!
Don Draper: Don Draper.
Third Woman: [ swooning ] Let’s get me out of this skirt.
Don Draper: [ Don turns to give a look toward the camera ] [ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]
Don Draper: And finally, Step 4:
Look fantastic in a suit.
Look fantastic in casual wear.
Look fantastic in anything.
Strut around with supreme confidence.
Be uncannily successful at your job.
Blow people away every time you say anything.
Take six-hour lunches.
Disappear for weeks at a time.
Lie to everyone about everything.
Drink and smoke constantly.
Basically… be Don Draper.[ cut to title card ]
Announcer: This has been “Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women”.[ fade ]