SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 10/25/08: Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6








08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women

Don Draper…..Jon Hamm
Jessica…..Kristen Wiig
Second Woman…..Casey Wilson
Nathaniel Snerpus…..Fred Armisen
Third Woman…..Amy Poehler




[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now, “Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women”.

[ dissolve to Don Draper standing in his office ]

Don Draper: Hello, I’m Don Draper, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have affairs with many women.

[ show clips of affair scenes from “Mad Men” ]

Don Draper V/O: Some say, “Boy, Don, how do you do it?”

[ cut back to Don Draper in his office ]

Don Draper: Well, it’s simple. And you can do it, too, if you follow my four easy steps.

Step 1: When in doubt, remain absolutely silent.

[ cue sultry music, as a woman enters Don’s office ]

Jessica: Hi, I’m Jessica.

[ Don remains silent, staring at her intently ]

Jessica: We’re shy, aren’t we?

[ Don remains silent ]

Jessica: [ desperately ] Marry me! I want to have your children!

[ Don stares over Jessica’s shoulder and into the camera with a smirk ]

Don Draper: See?

[ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]

Don Draper: Step 2: When asked about your past, give vague, open-ended answers.

[ cut to Don seated in the executive boardroom, as a second woman approaches him ]

Second Woman: So, Don… tell me about your family. Any brothers and sisters?

[ Don stops what he’s doing, and turns his gaze away from her ]

Don Draper: There… was a man. Bright… shiny shoes. [ he half-smiles ] I saw him dancing… until the accident.

Second Woman: [ she sighs seductively ] Oh, how mysterious!

[ cut to close-up of Don, as he winks at the camera ]

[ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]

Don Draper: Step 3: Have a great name.

Don Draper: [ cut to group of women giggling in the office, as a male co-worker stands over their cubicle ]

Nathaniel Snerpus: Hi! I’m Nathaniel Snerpus.

[ the women roll their eyes, then rise to get away from him ]

[ one of the women passes Don Draper upon her exit, and stops to introduce herself ]

Third Woman: Well, hello!

Don Draper: Don Draper.

Third Woman: [ swooning ] Let’s get me out of this skirt.

Don Draper: [ Don turns to give a look toward the camera ]

[ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]

Don Draper: And finally, Step 4:

Look fantastic in a suit.

Look fantastic in casual wear.

Look fantastic in anything.

Sound good.

Smell good.

Kiss good.

Strut around with supreme confidence.

Be uncannily successful at your job.

Blow people away every time you say anything.

Take six-hour lunches.

Disappear for weeks at a time.

Lie to everyone about everything.

Drink and smoke constantly.

Basically… be Don Draper.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been “Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women”.

[ fade ]

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