Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 6
Jon Hamm’s John Ham
…..Jon Hamm
FADE IN:
INT. STUDIO 8A — ROCKFELLER CENTER
[ JON HAMM stands centered in a dark background. ]
Jon Hamm: Hello, I’m Jon Hamm. You know – ad executives are always tryingto find new and exciting way to advertise products to the Americanconsumer. Well tonight, I’m here to talk to you about a product thatdoesn’t need any “glitz” or “gloss”. It’s a product that speaks foritself, and I’m proud to endorse it — “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM”. The ham youcan eat in the bathroom.
[ Jon holds a box saying JON HAMM’S JOHN HAM. The background behind himlights up to REVEAL a bathroom. ]
Jon Hamm: Let’s face it… we live in a fast paced world. But if you’re as busyas I am, you have to make a decision. Am I going to eat lunch? Or am Igoing to go to the bathroom? Now you never have to make that choice again.
[ Jon strolls over to the bathroom stall behind him and seats himself. ]
Jon Hamm: Each “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM” dispenser is located… opposite thetoilet paper dispenser, so you’re not confused. And unlike other bathroomham dispensers, only “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM” has the finest boar’s headroasted ham.
[ Jon removes a piece of ham of the ham dispenser and swallows a piece. ]
Jon Hamm: Mmmm. That’s good ham.
[ Jon steps off of the toilet and strolls TOWARDS the camera. ]
Jon Hamm: Now I know what you’re thinking – ‘I’m only endorsing JOHN HAMbecause Jon Hamm is my name’ Well, you’re wrong. You’re dead wrong. Firstof all, my last name has two “M’s” and second of all, my first namedoesn’t have an “H”. Feel like a dummy yet? Because you should. If youorder in the next five minutes, you’ll get a free dispenser of “Jon Hamm’sMUSTARD SOAP”.
[ Jon strolls over to the mirror to a yellow soap dispenser. ]
Jon Hamm: It’s a delicious mustard with no soap properties at all.
[ Jon dispenses some mustard on his hands and takes a lick. ]
Jon Hamm: And if you’re wondering… it tastes great on ham. So what are youwaiting for? Don’t find yourself on the toilet craving high-quality hamslices. Tell your boss to order one for the office today.
[ SUPER: BLUE SCREEN ]
Announcer: To order “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM”, call 1-800-555-0199 or go toour website at jonhammsjohnham/ham.ham.com.
Jon Hamm: And remember the “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM” motto — if it feels like aslice of ham, don’t wipe your ass with it.
[ Jon takes another bite of a ham slice. ]
FADE OUT.
Submitted by: Cody Downs
