SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 10/25/08: Trick or Treat


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Trick or Treat

Jeff Montgomery….Will Forte
Bob Peterson….Jon Hamm

(Opens with a man giving out candy to a couple of little kids on Halloween. He drops candy into their plastic jack o´lanterns.)

Bob Peterson: Here is a Snickers for each of you. And for old times sake, how about a Charleston chew?

Kids: Thank you, Mr. Peterson.

(Kids leave. Mr. Peterson goes back inside, closes his door. A 40 ish man wearing glasses, a mustache and a plastic jack o´lantern approaches Bob´s door and rings the doorbell. Bob opens the door.)

Jeff Montgomery: Trick or treat!

Bob Peterson: Can I help you?

Jeff Montgomery: Well, that depends. You have any Kit-Kat bars? Heck, I´ll take anything without toffee. Its a real bitch on the fillings. Hey, don´t call me a bitch! You´re the bitch, bitch! Wha-a-at?! Seriously though, trick or treat.

Bob Peterson: Aren´t you a little old to be trick or treating?

Jeff Montgomery: What? Is 43 too old to be on Halloween´s spirit? By spirit I don´t mean ghost. Heck, I´m not that old! Wha-a-a-at?!

(Bob slams the door in Jeff´s face. Jeff rings doorbell again)

Jeff Montgomery: Look, I realize this is a little unusual but you know, I just moved into the neighborhood and you know, I figured I used trick or treating as an excuse to get out and make some new friends. I apologize for being so awkward.

Bob Peterson: No, you know, that´s quite all right. That wasn´t very neighborly of me and I apologize. Bob Peterson.

(Both shake hands)

Jeff Montgomery: Jeff Montgomery, pleasure to meet you.

Bob Peterson: This doesn´t excuse my behavior but, uh, I hope you accept a Reese’s peanut butter cup.

(Jeff grabs big handfuls of candy from Bob´s plastic jack o´lantern and deposits it into his own)

Jeff Montgomery: I couldn´t think of a better welcoming gift.

Bob Peterson: Just out of curiosity. What exactly is your Halloween costume?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m a sex offender.

Bob Peterson: Excuse me?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m a sex offender. Oh, oh, for Halloween!

Bob Peterson: You´re a sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Yeah, pretty convincing, huh? Here, watch this: ” I´m Jeff Montgomery. By law I´m required to inform you that I am a repeat offender and I´ll be living in your neighborhood.” Great costume, right? (hands over papers to Bob) Could you sign and date this, please?

Bob Peterson: What am I signing?

Jeff Montgomery: Oh, you will get a big kick out of this! You see, as part of my costume I´m having everyone sign this forms acknowledging that there is a sex offender living in the neighborhood. Et cetera, et cetera.

Bob Peterson: Let´s just be clear on something here. Is sex offender your Halloween costume? Or are you fulfilling a legal obligation to declare yourself a sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Bob, lighten up! Its Halloween, huh? Besides, this is a tradition. You know, I do this everytime I move into a new town.

Bob Peterson: Are you Jeff Montgomery, a sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Am I, Jeff Montgomery, a registered sex offender on Halloween? Yes.

Bob Peterson: What about not on Halloween?

Jeff Montgomery: Yes, even when it’s not Halloween, I´m still Jeff Montgomery.

Bob Peterson: A sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Look, you´re missing the point here, Bob! The point is Halloween spirit! The point is trick or treat! The point is could you sign those papers?

Bob Peterson: Look, last chance and I will check with the police on this. Do you have a criminal record?

Jeff Montgomery: Absolutely not. Look, if I am guilty of anything its the crime of sexually assaulting 5 teenagers. (long uncomfortable pause) You know, this is gonna sound like a terrible segue but are you looking for a babysitter? Happy Halloween! Wha-a-at?!

(scene freezes on Jeff´s crazy ass face)

Caption: Happy Halloween.

(Cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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