Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 6
Trick or Treat
Jeff Montgomery….Will Forte
Bob Peterson….Jon Hamm
(Opens with a man giving out candy to a couple of little kids on Halloween. He drops candy into their plastic jack o´lanterns.)
Bob Peterson: Here is a Snickers for each of you. And for old times sake, how about a Charleston chew?
Kids: Thank you, Mr. Peterson.
(Kids leave. Mr. Peterson goes back inside, closes his door. A 40 ish man wearing glasses, a mustache and a plastic jack o´lantern approaches Bob´s door and rings the doorbell. Bob opens the door.)
Jeff Montgomery: Trick or treat!
Bob Peterson: Can I help you?
Jeff Montgomery: Well, that depends. You have any Kit-Kat bars? Heck, I´ll take anything without toffee. Its a real bitch on the fillings. Hey, don´t call me a bitch! You´re the bitch, bitch! Wha-a-at?! Seriously though, trick or treat.
Bob Peterson: Aren´t you a little old to be trick or treating?
Jeff Montgomery: What? Is 43 too old to be on Halloween´s spirit? By spirit I don´t mean ghost. Heck, I´m not that old! Wha-a-a-at?!
(Bob slams the door in Jeff´s face. Jeff rings doorbell again)
Jeff Montgomery: Look, I realize this is a little unusual but you know, I just moved into the neighborhood and you know, I figured I used trick or treating as an excuse to get out and make some new friends. I apologize for being so awkward.
Bob Peterson: No, you know, that´s quite all right. That wasn´t very neighborly of me and I apologize. Bob Peterson.
(Both shake hands)
Jeff Montgomery: Jeff Montgomery, pleasure to meet you.
Bob Peterson: This doesn´t excuse my behavior but, uh, I hope you accept a Reese’s peanut butter cup.
(Jeff grabs big handfuls of candy from Bob´s plastic jack o´lantern and deposits it into his own)
Jeff Montgomery: I couldn´t think of a better welcoming gift.
Bob Peterson: Just out of curiosity. What exactly is your Halloween costume?
Jeff Montgomery: I´m a sex offender.
Bob Peterson: Excuse me?
Jeff Montgomery: I´m a sex offender. Oh, oh, for Halloween!
Bob Peterson: You´re a sex offender?
Jeff Montgomery: Yeah, pretty convincing, huh? Here, watch this: ” I´m Jeff Montgomery. By law I´m required to inform you that I am a repeat offender and I´ll be living in your neighborhood.” Great costume, right? (hands over papers to Bob) Could you sign and date this, please?
Bob Peterson: What am I signing?
Jeff Montgomery: Oh, you will get a big kick out of this! You see, as part of my costume I´m having everyone sign this forms acknowledging that there is a sex offender living in the neighborhood. Et cetera, et cetera.
Bob Peterson: Let´s just be clear on something here. Is sex offender your Halloween costume? Or are you fulfilling a legal obligation to declare yourself a sex offender?
Jeff Montgomery: Bob, lighten up! Its Halloween, huh? Besides, this is a tradition. You know, I do this everytime I move into a new town.
Bob Peterson: Are you Jeff Montgomery, a sex offender?
Jeff Montgomery: Am I, Jeff Montgomery, a registered sex offender on Halloween? Yes.
Bob Peterson: What about not on Halloween?
Jeff Montgomery: Yes, even when it’s not Halloween, I´m still Jeff Montgomery.
Bob Peterson: A sex offender?
Jeff Montgomery: Look, you´re missing the point here, Bob! The point is Halloween spirit! The point is trick or treat! The point is could you sign those papers?
Bob Peterson: Look, last chance and I will check with the police on this. Do you have a criminal record?
Jeff Montgomery: Absolutely not. Look, if I am guilty of anything its the crime of sexually assaulting 5 teenagers. (long uncomfortable pause) You know, this is gonna sound like a terrible segue but are you looking for a babysitter? Happy Halloween! Wha-a-at?!
(scene freezes on Jeff´s crazy ass face)
Caption: Happy Halloween.
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel