SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 10/25/08: Variety Vault


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Variety Vault

Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Gloria Swanson…..Kristen Wiig
James Mason…..Jon Hamm
Liberace…..Fred Armisen

[ title card appears on an overhead shot ]

Announcer: And now, Colgate presents “Vincent Price’s Halloween Special.” Now, please welcome your host, the spawn of Moloch – Vincent Price!

[ dissolve to grainy black-and-white tape, the scenery set in what appears to be a haunted mansion, with eerie organ music eminating from somewhere within. Nefarious laughter is heard as Vincent Price slowly rises into frame on a prop elevator. A stuffed raven is on his shoulder.]

Vincent Price: All Hallow’s Eve. When the minions of Samhain come back… [ elevator stops mid-frame] Guys, I’m not fully up yet. You gotta keep pressing the…the thing. [ continues as elevator starts going back down ] …to reek havoc on the living, and – guys, wrong way. Wrong way! Up, up, up, up! Guys! [ only the top of his head is in the frame now ] Guys, what’s going on? [ pause ] Broken? Seriously?! …Fine, hold on a second. [ climbs up off elevator into frame ] All right. Well, thank you all for – [ elevator starts to rise ] Guys, I’m out. Stop it! [ looks at camera ] Thank you, and welcome to my Halloween special! Tonight, prepare yourself for a night of spooks and scares, as we [ strokes the raven ] have invited over some of our most famous friends for some tricks…and also some treats! They’ve all agreed to wear costumes, so see if you can recognize them.

[ doorbell rings ]

Let’s see who’s at the door. I hope it’s not a pirate and a spooky spaceman! [opens the door ] From the film “Sunset Boulevard,” Miss Gloria Swanson! And from “Lolita,” Mr. James Mason!

[ Gloria Swanson and James Mason enter. Neither one is wearing a costume. ]

Gloria Swanson: I’m a pirate. Arrrr!

Vincent Price: [ confused ] Pirate? I don’t really see a lot of effort as far as dressing like a pirate goes. I thought we agreed you would wear a costume.

Gloria Swanson: I’m a pirate, can’t you tell? It’s about the acting – I’m an actress. That’s what I do, and when I say I’m a pirate, I’m a pirate. Arrrr!

James Mason: She’s a pirate, Price. My Jolly Roger was at full-mast the whole drive over.

[ He and Price watch as Swanson glides towards the camera ]

Gloria Swanson: Arrrr!

Vincent Price: [ unamused ] Okay, very nice. No spaceman costume, James?

James Mason: No, didn’t even open the box. [ chuckles ] Too old-fashioned.

Vincent Price: The suit was too old-fashioned?

James Mason: No, I had two old fashions, and I couldn’t open the box. I’ve been drunk since 11 a.m., Price!

Vincent Price: Please, James, family show!

James Mason: Understood. Say, where are the whores?

Vincent Price: [ horrified ] Jeezy-creezy, James! [ looks off-camera ] Gloria, what’s going on over there?

[ cut to Gloria Swanson standing near the fireplace holding a knife up to a pumpkin ]

Gloria Swanson: Get off my pirate ship, or the girl dies!

James Mason: Say, Vincent, do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable? I pissed myself on the way over here. [ Price stares at him in horror/disgust ] Pretty numb down there, so I only know it when it hits my ankles. [ heads towards fireplace ] Gloria, another drink?

Vincent Price: No more drinks! No more drinks! Please! [ organ music starts up ] Now, I’d like to introduce our most horrifying songsmith, ladies and gentlemen – the ghost of Liberace!

[ cut to Liberace playing on a white piano ]

Liberace: Thank you! Well, before I start my song, I wanna show y’all something. [ holds up jewel-encrusted bag ] This is a trick-or-treat bag that was given to me by the president of Argentina. Now, as you can see, it’s covered in sapphires and topazs.

[ Price approaches the piano ]

Vincent Price: [ annoyed ] Where’s the ghost costume, Liberace?

Liberace: Ghost? I thought we agreed on restoration France by way of Atlantic City.

Vincent Price: Save your sassy asides for your windowless bars! [ approaches camera ] Now, prepare your ears for a truly horrifying performance. I shall recite Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven,” while Liberace provides haunting accompaniment.

[ dramatic piano music starts and a spotlight appears on Price ]

“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I ponder weak and weary. [music becomes upbeat ] Over a many quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore-” Haunting, Liberace. Haunting! [ annoyed ] “While I nodded nearly-” [ upbeat music continues ] Guys… [ to camera ] Is this music working for you? Because it is not working for me!

Liberace: [ stops playing ] I have some issues with the lyrics.

James Mason: Yes, same here, Vincent. That’s a real downer. Gloria and I could use something a bit more upbeat. Do you know this one? “There once was a girl named Ragina-“

Vincent Price: [ horrified ] Stop! Family show!

James Mason: You don’t even know where it’s going!

Vincent Price: All the same…

James Mason: [ pause ] …Vagina.

Vincent Price: [ sarcastic ] Wonderful. [ glares at him ] Let’s move on to our pumpkin-carving contest. Ready, Gloria?

[ cut to Swanson holding a half-eaten pumpkin ]

Vincent Price: And she’s eaten the pumpkin.

Gloria Swanson: Arrrrrrr!

Vincent Price: [ annoyed ] That’s great. Just great. Didn’t wanna throw the brakes on that, James?

James Mason: Well, what can I say, Vincent? I’ve never seen anyone put something that big down so fast.

Liberace: I have!

Vincent Price: [ losing his temper ] Cool it, Liberace! [ doorbell rings ] Ah, local children. Children! I’m reminding all of you, children! Especially…all of you. All right, let’s answer the door! [ mutters ] Ooh, yay, yippee…

[ Price opens door to find a young girl dressed as a princess and a young boy dressed as a sailor ]

Boy/Girl: Trick-or-treat!

Vincent Price: Awww! What are you supposed to be, young lady?

Girl: I’m a princess!

Vincent Price: Oh, how adorable!

James Mason: And you, young man. I imagine you’re dressed as some brand of homosexual.

Boy: You’re mean! I want my mom!

James Mason: [ smugly ] That makes two of us. Tell her to bring a lady friend for my friend Liberace over here.

Liberace: Oh, I’m good! [ chuckles ] [ cut back to the kids running out ]

Vincent Price: Kids, no! Don’t go! [ shuts door ] Thanks, James. Now I’m going to wake up in the morning with a house covered in toilet tissue. [ looks into camera ] Let’s wrap it up! [ organ music starts and the elevator slowly begins to lower ] You have just partaken in a celebration most foul, where phantasms and wraiths… [ Gloria Swanson glides across the frame, blocking Price ] You wanna clear frame there? Just wanna- [ shakes head as she exits ] …wander the earthly plane in search of vengeance upon the living- [elevators stops again mid-frame] Guys, I thought we had this thing fixed! [elevators starts moving up and down] Oh great. Oh great. Oh well, have a happy Halloween everybody! [ yelps as he disappears quickly out of frame ] [ title card comes up overhead ]

Announcer: This has been “Vincent Price’s Halloween Special.” Thanks for watching!

Submitted by: Laura Fanjoy

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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