SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 10/25/08: Variety Vault

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Variety Vault

Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Gloria Swanson…..Kristen Wiig
James Mason…..Jon Hamm
Liberace…..Fred Armisen

[ title card appears on an overhead shot ]

Announcer: And now, Colgate presents “Vincent Price’s Halloween Special.” Now, please welcome your host, the spawn of Moloch – Vincent Price!

[ dissolve to grainy black-and-white tape, the scenery set in what appears to be a haunted mansion, with eerie organ music eminating from somewhere within. Nefarious laughter is heard as Vincent Price slowly rises into frame on a prop elevator. A stuffed raven is on his shoulder.]

Vincent Price: All Hallow’s Eve. When the minions of Samhain come back… [ elevator stops mid-frame] Guys, I’m not fully up yet. You gotta keep pressing the…the thing. [ continues as elevator starts going back down ] …to reek havoc on the living, and – guys, wrong way. Wrong way! Up, up, up, up! Guys! [ only the top of his head is in the frame now ] Guys, what’s going on? [ pause ] Broken? Seriously?! …Fine, hold on a second. [ climbs up off elevator into frame ] All right. Well, thank you all for – [ elevator starts to rise ] Guys, I’m out. Stop it! [ looks at camera ] Thank you, and welcome to my Halloween special! Tonight, prepare yourself for a night of spooks and scares, as we [ strokes the raven ] have invited over some of our most famous friends for some tricks…and also some treats! They’ve all agreed to wear costumes, so see if you can recognize them.

[ doorbell rings ]

Let’s see who’s at the door. I hope it’s not a pirate and a spooky spaceman! [opens the door ] From the film “Sunset Boulevard,” Miss Gloria Swanson! And from “Lolita,” Mr. James Mason!

[ Gloria Swanson and James Mason enter. Neither one is wearing a costume. ]

Gloria Swanson: I’m a pirate. Arrrr!

Vincent Price: [ confused ] Pirate? I don’t really see a lot of effort as far as dressing like a pirate goes. I thought we agreed you would wear a costume.

Gloria Swanson: I’m a pirate, can’t you tell? It’s about the acting – I’m an actress. That’s what I do, and when I say I’m a pirate, I’m a pirate. Arrrr!

James Mason: She’s a pirate, Price. My Jolly Roger was at full-mast the whole drive over.

[ He and Price watch as Swanson glides towards the camera ]

Gloria Swanson: Arrrr!

Vincent Price: [ unamused ] Okay, very nice. No spaceman costume, James?

James Mason: No, didn’t even open the box. [ chuckles ] Too old-fashioned.

Vincent Price: The suit was too old-fashioned?

James Mason: No, I had two old fashions, and I couldn’t open the box. I’ve been drunk since 11 a.m., Price!

Vincent Price: Please, James, family show!

James Mason: Understood. Say, where are the whores?

Vincent Price: [ horrified ] Jeezy-creezy, James! [ looks off-camera ] Gloria, what’s going on over there?

[ cut to Gloria Swanson standing near the fireplace holding a knife up to a pumpkin ]

Gloria Swanson: Get off my pirate ship, or the girl dies!

James Mason: Say, Vincent, do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable? I pissed myself on the way over here. [ Price stares at him in horror/disgust ] Pretty numb down there, so I only know it when it hits my ankles. [ heads towards fireplace ] Gloria, another drink?

Vincent Price: No more drinks! No more drinks! Please! [ organ music starts up ] Now, I’d like to introduce our most horrifying songsmith, ladies and gentlemen – the ghost of Liberace!

[ cut to Liberace playing on a white piano ]

Liberace: Thank you! Well, before I start my song, I wanna show y’all something. [ holds up jewel-encrusted bag ] This is a trick-or-treat bag that was given to me by the president of Argentina. Now, as you can see, it’s covered in sapphires and topazs.

[ Price approaches the piano ]

Vincent Price: [ annoyed ] Where’s the ghost costume, Liberace?

Liberace: Ghost? I thought we agreed on restoration France by way of Atlantic City.

Vincent Price: Save your sassy asides for your windowless bars! [ approaches camera ] Now, prepare your ears for a truly horrifying performance. I shall recite Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven,” while Liberace provides haunting accompaniment.

[ dramatic piano music starts and a spotlight appears on Price ]

“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I ponder weak and weary. [music becomes upbeat ] Over a many quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore-” Haunting, Liberace. Haunting! [ annoyed ] “While I nodded nearly-” [ upbeat music continues ] Guys… [ to camera ] Is this music working for you? Because it is not working for me!

Liberace: [ stops playing ] I have some issues with the lyrics.

James Mason: Yes, same here, Vincent. That’s a real downer. Gloria and I could use something a bit more upbeat. Do you know this one? “There once was a girl named Ragina-“

Vincent Price: [ horrified ] Stop! Family show!

James Mason: You don’t even know where it’s going!

Vincent Price: All the same…

James Mason: [ pause ] …Vagina.

Vincent Price: [ sarcastic ] Wonderful. [ glares at him ] Let’s move on to our pumpkin-carving contest. Ready, Gloria?

[ cut to Swanson holding a half-eaten pumpkin ]

Vincent Price: And she’s eaten the pumpkin.

Gloria Swanson: Arrrrrrr!

Vincent Price: [ annoyed ] That’s great. Just great. Didn’t wanna throw the brakes on that, James?

James Mason: Well, what can I say, Vincent? I’ve never seen anyone put something that big down so fast.

Liberace: I have!

Vincent Price: [ losing his temper ] Cool it, Liberace! [ doorbell rings ] Ah, local children. Children! I’m reminding all of you, children! Especially…all of you. All right, let’s answer the door! [ mutters ] Ooh, yay, yippee…

[ Price opens door to find a young girl dressed as a princess and a young boy dressed as a sailor ]

Boy/Girl: Trick-or-treat!

Vincent Price: Awww! What are you supposed to be, young lady?

Girl: I’m a princess!

Vincent Price: Oh, how adorable!

James Mason: And you, young man. I imagine you’re dressed as some brand of homosexual.

Boy: You’re mean! I want my mom!

James Mason: [ smugly ] That makes two of us. Tell her to bring a lady friend for my friend Liberace over here.

Liberace: Oh, I’m good! [ chuckles ] [ cut back to the kids running out ]

Vincent Price: Kids, no! Don’t go! [ shuts door ] Thanks, James. Now I’m going to wake up in the morning with a house covered in toilet tissue. [ looks into camera ] Let’s wrap it up! [ organ music starts and the elevator slowly begins to lower ] You have just partaken in a celebration most foul, where phantasms and wraiths… [ Gloria Swanson glides across the frame, blocking Price ] You wanna clear frame there? Just wanna- [ shakes head as she exits ] …wander the earthly plane in search of vengeance upon the living- [elevators stops again mid-frame] Guys, I thought we had this thing fixed! [elevators starts moving up and down] Oh great. Oh great. Oh well, have a happy Halloween everybody! [ yelps as he disappears quickly out of frame ] [ title card comes up overhead ]

Announcer: This has been “Vincent Price’s Halloween Special.” Thanks for watching!

Submitted by: Laura Fanjoy

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