Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 6
Road to the White House
Rep. John Murtha…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: Next, on “Road to the White House”: earlier today, Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden and congressman John Murtha spoke at a rally in Johnstown, Pennsylvania, where they attempted to blow the election for Senator Obama.
Rep. John Murtha: How’s everybody doin’ today? Now, before we get started, I want to clear the air about something I said last week, when I suggested that the good people here in Western Pennsylvania are racist. That’s not at all what I meant to say. [ a beat ] It’s more that they’re ignorant, and they don’t know any better. Especially your older ones. They’re just bone ignorant. It’s like someone said earlier in the campaign — I don’t remember who — they cling to guns and religion, because they feel threatened. And that’s so true.
Sen. Joe Biden: Alright, Jack…
Rep. John Murtha: I couldn’t say it any better myself. But enough from me, I’m gonna hand this over to a guy you all know, the next Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden!
Sen. Joe Biden: Thanks, Jack! Thank you very much! Congressman Jack Murtha, everybody! [ the crowd cheers ] That’s alright, that’s alright! Let me tell you something, Johnstown! Two weeks from now, with the help of the people of Western Pennsylvania, we’re going to elect a new President. President Barack Obama! [ he points into the crowd ] Hey, look at that! Look at that, I see we’ve got Pete Harrigan here today! Look at that — a great state senator! Give it up for Pete! Stand up, Pete! Alright, Pete!
Let me tell you something else — and listen to me well. As sure as I’m standing here today, during his first few weeks in office, this brilliant young President is going to be tested! Tested by an international crisis, the likes of which this nation has never before seen! A deliberately manufactured crisis, designed to test his mettle! Alright? Now, in this crisis, he will have to make decisions, decisions that may at first, though they may seem, to the casual observer, seem a little ill considered. Our military may invade Pakistan! Or surrender to the Chinese! We may sell Hawaii to Saudi Arabia! Or just destroy it, so it can’t fall into North Korean hands. But just reserve your judgment. We know what we’re doin’! That’s right! [ he points into the crowd ] Hey! Mickey Doyle! County Treasurer, everybody, Mickey Doyle! Nice to see you, Mickey?
Rep. John Murtha: If I could say something here. Earlier, what I said about Western Pennsylvania being ignorant — I was misquoted. I meant more, “backward”. Your people out here just don’t understand the modern world. ‘Cause they’re uneducated, and they don’t have radios or that kind of thing. Also, they’re racists!
Sen. Joe Biden: Mark my words! If you take away nothing else from what I say here today, or, indeed, in this entire campaign, remember this: If Barack Obama is elected, we WILL have a crisis! And when this crisis hits — and it will! — in the second week of February, we may do some weird things. We may cede Florida back to Spain! Or Alaska to the Russians! We may blow up every nuclear power plant in the country! We may set fire to Washington D.C.! We may round up all French-Canadians. But don’t lose faith, it’s all part of a plan. [ he points into the crowd ] Hey! There’s Pat Reardon, a great assistant D.A. here in Greene County! Pat, good to see ya, Pat!
Rep. John Murtha: If I could, I want to say one more thing about the people of Western Pennsylvania. Has anyone here ever seen a movie called “Deliverance”? No? [ he looks around awkwardly ] Never mind, then.
Sen. Joe Biden: I’m going to say something else now, and I want you to mark well the words that I say! The words that I say — and remember that I said them here today. In the second year of the Presidency of Barack Obama, a young child shall come from out of the North, from a city of steel! And this child shall rule for a time! But the child shall rule falsely! In deceit! By the trident of Neptune! What I have spoken is the TRUTH!!
Rep. John Murtha: Joe, do you think this “child” could be one of them Palin kids?
Sen. Joe Biden: Alright, be silent, come on! [ to the crowd ] Mark well, as I stand here today, the Time of Trouble shall last one year, one month, one day, one hour and one minute. [ he points into the crowd ] Hey Phil! How ya doin’, Phil? Phil Malloy, head of the Local Workers Steel! But at the appointed hour, the Time of Trouble shall end, and peace shall come to this land for one hundred years! The mouse shall bell the cat, the lamb shall lead the lion, the poor and ignorant shall know wisdom and plenty!
Rep. John Murtha: You hear that, Western Pennsylvania? That’ll be your time! What happens after the one hundred years?
Sen. Joe Biden: Beware the man with ONE sandal! He who is not of woman born! That is all I can reveal — the rest is classified!
Rep. John Murtha: Fair enough. You got that, people? Keep an eye out for a guy with one sandal, who’s maybe a robot, or a test-tube baby, or some kind of deal like that! But, if you spot him, don’t, you know, try to handle it yourself! Call the proper authorities!
Sen. Joe Biden: Gird your loins! By the beard of Jupiter, gird your loins!
Rep. John Murtha: I think my loins are okay. I was just at the doctor.
Sen. Joe Biden: Good, good. [ to the crowd ] As it has been spoken, so shall it come to pass! [ he points into the crowd ] Hey! Andy Brennan’s here! Hey, look at that, Andy Brenna! You know Andy Brennan…Andy.[ dissolve to C-Span card ]
Announcer: We will now leave this event, and go to an Obama/Biden rally in Kansas City, Missouri, where former President Clinton is about to spend two hours recounting the achievements of his administration, before he forgets to mention the Democratic candidate.[ dissolve back to Biden at the rally ]
Sen. Joe Biden: And, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”