Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 6
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Ralph Nader…..Bill Hader
Nicholas Fehn…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers. Amy Poehler is not here tonight, because she’s having a baby. [ audience cheers ] Now, here are tonight’s other top stories:
John McCain said this week that he does not plan to make his election night remarks in a hotel ballroom, but rather on the hotel lawn to a select group of journalists. The speech is reportedly titled: “Hey, you damn kids, get off my lawn!”
On Wednesday, Barack Obama danced live, via satellite, for the Ellen DeGeneres show, in an attempt to prove that he’s not a Muslim but, rather, very, very white.
According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant.
A woman in Pennsylvania who claimed that a man attacked her and carved a “B” on her face when he saw her McCain bumper sticker, admitted Friday that she made the story up. Still unanswered: Who did this to John McCain? [ image: McCain with “Obama “Hearts” Ayers” tattoo on his arm ]
Seth Meyers: This week, the McCain campaign has been receiving criticism for making automated — or Robo — calls in battleground states, that link Barack Obama to William Ayers. Here to defend the calls… Robo-Call!
Robo-Call: [ stiffly ] Hello, Seth. I’m calling for John McCain and the RNC. You need to know that Barack Obama has worked closely with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers.
Seth Meyers: Uh, actually, he and Bill Ayers just served on an educational board together.
Robo-Call: Ayers is terrorist! Obama is best friend! They are gay-sex married!
Seth Meyers: Robo-Call, I think you know that’s not true.br>
Robo-Call: All Robo-Call know is Obama is Facebook friend with Osama bin Laden!
Seth Meyers: No. no, Robo-Call. How can you say all these things when you know they aren’t true? This is the same thing you did to John McCain in 2000. I mean, aren’t you ashamed of yourself?
Robo-Call: Ye-e-es. Robo-Call ashamed. Robo-Call not expect life to turn out like this. [ he chugs a canister of oil ]
Seth Meyers: Are you having a drink, Robo-Call?
Robo-Call: Seth? Oil?
Seth Meyers: No, I’m good.
Robo-Call: Robo-Call built to give movie times. Now Robo-Call only used to scare old people. Robo-Call feel dirty all the time.
Seth Meyers: Well, then why do you do it?
Robo-Call: Robo-Call want be important. Like attention. Want to impress older brother.
Seth Meyers: Older brother?
Seth Meyers: Oh, yeah…
Seth Meyers: Oh, no… you’re still drinking oil.
Robo-Call: One second! [ he presses a series of his buttons ]
Seth Meyers: Who are you calling?[ Robo-Call rings; a voice picks up ]
Voice: Hello! Suicide Hotline![ Seth reaches over to hang up Robo-Call ]
Robo-Call: Robo-Call so sad. Next week, Robo-Call supposed to tell black people election canceled.
Seth Meyers: Look, Robo-Call — I know you lost your way, but, you know, maybe it’s not too late to go back.
Robo-Call: [ shakes head ] “Saw 5”! Rated R! Now playing, 14th Street Cinema!
Seth Meyers: THAT’S the spirit, Robo-Call!
Robo-Call: Robo-Call reborn!!
Seth Meyers: Robo-Call, everybody![ image: Alan Greenspan ] On Thursday, your grandfather finally admitted that he screwed up the economy.
While speaking before Congress on Thursday, Alan Greenspan, former Chairman of the Federal Reserve, said he was “shocked” his ideas led to the current economic crisis, and said “I still do not understand exactly how it happened.” Well, let me see if I can give it a shot: Banks bundled mortgages that had been given to people that wouldnt even qualify for jury duty, and then sold those along with credit default swaps, which are basically insurance the seller provides to the buyer in case the purchased entity loses value. However, unlike regular insurance, these swaps werent regulated, so they failed to meet any standards of responsible business. Then, when everything collapsed, it spread like an infection, because when people are making money, they dont ask “how”, they just say “Yay!” But, again, youre the expert!
Mr. Blackwell, the creator of the infamous Worst Dressed list, died this week at the age of 86. It turns out he was caught dead in that outfit.
Seth Meyers: With only ten days to go before the elections, polls show Barack Obama with a commanding lead. Here to comment — oh, no — Ralph Nader.
Ralph Nader: Ohhhhh! Hello, Seth. Hello, Amy. I’ve been traveling this great nation of ours, trying to get on the ballot everywhere I go. People are craving excitement!
Seth Meyers: Actually, it seems to me most people are pretty excited about this race already. I mean, where have you been hanging out?
Ralph Nader: Food co-ops! Art compounds! I was at Burning Man for a couple of days, that was pretty good. The point is, Americans want a fresh look. You know?
Seth Meyers: Fresh look? No offense, but you make John McCain look like Zac Efron.
Ralph Nader: I don’t know who that is.
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
Ralph Nader: But I do know Ba-rack Obama raised $150 million this year. Now, how can he not be in the pockets of corporations? You know how much I raised, Seth?
Seth Meyers: How much?
Ralph Nader: Nothing! But a DRama teacher in Ore-o-gan gave me this suit! Seth, we’re about to enter another Great Depression. Don’t you want a president who is already dressed for it? Huh? Hey?
Seth Meyers: Well… it was really good to see you.
Ralph Nader: The American people have had enough… and not only will I fight for them, but so will my running mate.
Seth Meyers: Who is your running mate?[ Nader raises his hand, which is covered with a sock puppet ]
Seth Meyers: Okay…
Ralph Nader: Manuel! Hello, Manuel… are you fed up? [ in squeaky voice ] Si! Si!
Seth Meyers: Ralph Nader, everyone!
Ralph Nader: And Manuel![ Seth reaches over to shake Nader’s hand; Nader relunctantly shakes back, using his sock puppet hand ]
For the first time since 1956, Daniel, and not Michael, is the most popular name for boys. While, for the seventh year in a row, the least popular name for boys is “Al Qaeda #2”.
In Japan, an engineer has developed a sensor which measures and translates a plants signals, enabling a potted plant at a cafe near Tokyo to write a regular blog. Oh, the Japanese… so much technology, so little being normal.
Actress Rosanna Arquette, columnist Liz Smith, and Daisy Fuentes are among the celebrities wearing T-shirts saying, “Own Your Age”, which is part of a campaign to fight age discrimination, and not to be confused with my dating website for the elderly: “boneyourage.com”.
Seth Meyers: Here now, with his own take on this week’s top stories, political comedian extraordinaire Nicholas Fehn.
Nicholas Fehn: Thank you! Thank you very much. Uh, for those of you who aren’t familiar with my work, what I do is I read headlines from today’s newspapers, and I provide my own skewed view just off the top of my head. Very humorous, funny stuff. [ lifts a paper ] Let’s start with, uh — oh! This is great. Um — this is today’s New York Times. Check this out: “Some Currecies Plunge as Stocks Sink Worldwide.” Nooo!![ he turns to a second newspaper ]
Oh! Oh! This made me so mad! This is — this is an incredible one: “U.S. Mulls Widening Bailout to Insurers.” Who said — did — did that? N-no.[ he turns to a third newspaper ]
Thank you. Um — okay, I thought of you guys. This is the Boston Globe: “Special Laws Skirt PensionSystem.” Yuo see that there? This is — this is exactly — this is precisely… One of — one of the first thoughts I… mulled over… You take any train, anywhere… and the first — I think any idea we have to at least conquer — at the very top of these scales — we’re — no! None of us are — isn’t — isn’t that exactly what they — they — what the essence is, of everything they — look! I — I never — agriculture in the 30’s – -they — was never — they’re — you, you take — and — look, if I took a patent down, on any kind — they — my, my, my sister had a crewcut —
Seth Meyers: Okay, I’m sorry. Mr. Fehn, sorry. Is this going anywhere?
Nicholas Fehn: You know, Seth… first, I wish Amy was here. She really gets this kind of humor, she’s on top of that kind of thing. And, and, and, and your problem — and please forgive me. Seth, the only — I — I don’t expect anyone here — I don’t even — I — my respect does not — there is, at least, an immersion of — there’s a — if we all shouted at the count of 27 — that — you, and I — I — no, I — I will be the FIRST one, FIRST one to at least listen to — there’s, there’s no acknowledgment of —
Seth Meyers: Nicholas Fehn, everybody!
A new law went into effect in New York, this week, in which dog owners who fail to pick up after their pets will be fined $250 dollars. Which should lead to a slight increase in people nervously looking around for cops while their dog lays one down.
This week on “The View”, co-hosts Elizabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar had a heated exchange that ended with Hasselbeck shouting, “You want some more Barack Obama Kool-aid?” To which former co-host Rosie ODonnell replied, “Oh yeah!” and burst through the brick wall in the back of the studio.
Seth Meyers: We’d like to close Weekend Update tonight with a shout-out to our dear, dear friend Amy Poehler. We can’t wait to hear. We are so excited for you. This is for you:
Maya Rudolph: [ singing ] “You’re just too good to be true.”
Kenan Thompson: [ singing ] “Can’t take my eyes off of you.”
“We love you, Amy!
And we just can’t wait to meet your baby!
With chubby cheeks so sweet!
We’ll always love you, Amy!
Yes, we love you, Amy!”
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend update”, I’m Seth Meyers! We love you, Amy! Good night!