SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 11/01/08: Bierhoff Brothers House of Coats



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 7








08g: Ben Affleck / David Cook

Bierhoff Brothers House of Coats

Klaus Bierhoff…..Fred Armisen
Oliver…..Ben Affleck

[ open on Klaus and Oliver Bierhoff, wearing their company’s thick coats ]

Klaus Bierhoff: Hello! Are you a German who is visiting New York City?

Oliver Bierhoff: Do you need a coat, for valking around?

Klaus Bierhoff: If you answered “YES!” to either of zese questions, you would be a foo-ool not to stop by Bierhoff Bros. House of German Coats!

[ quick reveal graphic of store exterior ]

Klaus Bierhoff: Hello! I’m Klaus Bierhoff!

Oliver Bierhoff: I am Oliver Bierhoff. For twenty years, ve have been providing coats to German families who are visiting the New York City area.

Klaus Bierhoff: Only a Bierhoff coat says “I’m a German! I’m on vacation! I’m sensible! And I am wearing a coat that is functional!”

Oliver Bierhoff: Ya.

Klaus Bierhoff: “I am vith my family. You can tell because ve are ALL wearing the same coat!”

[ reveal such a photo ]

Oliver Bierhoff: Yes. Zis is ze promise that ve made to you vith our coats!

Klaus Bierhoff: Many coats are designed for fashion and so. At Bierhoff Bros., we believe that zose coats belong in ze GARBAGE!

Oliver Bierhoff: Geet reed of zose coats! Because OUR coats are NO NONSENSE! And that is ze ONLY thing that makes sense to us!

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! That is our slogan!

[ SUPER: “Our coats are no nonsense and that is the only thing that makes sense to us” ]

Klaus Bierhoff: It’s not a catchy slogan —

Oliver Bierhoff: No!

Klaus Bierhoff: But it’s a FUNCTIONAL slogan!

Oliver Bierhoff: We believe zose catchy slogans…

Together: BELONG IN THE GARBAGE!!!

Klaus Bierhoff: Oliver and I are each wearing the new…

Together: TIMES SQUARE COAT!!

Klaus Bierhoff: The perfect coat for the Times Square area of New York City!

Oliver Bierhoff: Ya! Let’s look at the features.

Klaus Bierhoff: Ya ya! Okay. So, look — there’s an outer reflective band, and it says to the taxis: “Do not hit me, Mr. Taxi!” And, zen, the inner reflective band, it says: “I was actually trying to HAIL you, and so!”

There is a hood for when it is raining. [ he pulls up a hood ] And then there is a second hood for when it is raining harder! [ he pulls up the second hood ]

Oliver Bierhoff: Ya! And then there is a red flag you can extend if you lose your family in a crowd! [ a red flag raises from the back of his coat ] FAMILY, WHERE ARE YOU?!! WHERE ARE YOU?!! I NEED YOU!!

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! And, also, there is a yelling cone that you can use if your family does not see the red flag! [ he holds up yelling cone ] HELLO, FAMILY!! WHERE ARE YOU?!!

Oliver Bierhoff: [ jumping ] WE ARE HERE!! WE ARE HERE!!

Klaus Bierhoff: Alright, I have found you! I have you!

[ they hug ]

Oliver Bierhoff: The new Times Square coat also takes into account that you are an innocent visitor to the city.

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! You have to fit into a fancy restaurant and so, look: the sleeves are removable! [ he yanks off his coat’s sleeves ] Look! I am now properly dressed for a fancy restaurant!

Oliver Bierhoff: What ees zees? Still unsatisfied? Well, my goodness! To that, I say, you are being unreasonable! You should be SATISFIED wih zis coat!!

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! But, in an effort to get your business, we have added more features and so!

Oliver Bierhoff: Yes! We have added… a POUCH! [ he oulls out a salami ] For hard salami!

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! [ he reaches into his pocket ] A pouch for REGULAR salami!

Oliver Bierhoff: Yeah! Uh — uh — many other pouches! For sausage, a pouch.

Klaus Bierhoff: Uh — for, for purchases souveniers![ he pulls out a miniature Statue of Liberty ]

Oliver Bierhoff: Klaus? I did not know you purchased this.

Klaus Bierhoff: That is because I was keeping it in my pouch for purchased souveniers!

[ they chuckle at the joke ]

Klaus Bierhoff: Finally! The Bierhoff coat is ze only voat on ze market that can be turned into a tent!

[ reveal tent ]

Oliver Bierhoff: This tent is in case you are robbed and are forced to sleep outside on steps!

Klaus Bierhoff: Okay, we’ve explained enough for now! Goodbye!

Oliver Bierhoff: Goodbye!

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: The Oliver Bierhoff Times Square Coat is a proper coat.

[ cut back to Klaus and Oliver ]

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! So, if you order now, you will receive a Bierhoff Bros. fanny pack!

Oliver Bierhoff: With another fanny pack to keep your fanny pack in!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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