SNL Transcripts: Ben Affleck: 11/01/08: Grady Wilson´s Put the Fire Back in your Marriage Techniques


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 7

08g: Ben Affleck / David Cook

Grady Wilson´s Put the Fire Back in your Marriage Techniques

Grady Wilson….Kenan Thompson

(Opens with Grady Wilson. A 50-ish old black man, almost balding, gray hair, sweater)

Grady Wilson: Well, hello. I´m Grady Wilson and I want to have a word with all the men out there about something very important. Your marriage. As years go by too many gentlemen nowadays lose the passion that they once had. Especially in the lovemaking. But sexual relations are very important between couples. And just because you´ve been together for a long time it doesn´t mean the quality of your lovemaking should suffer. Which is why I made this DVD. (holds DVD case up) Grady Wilson´s Put the Fire back in your Marriage Techniques. Spend one hour with this tape and you´ll get guaranteed moves like “The Whipped Butter”.

(cut to Mr. Grady in his basement wearing only his underwear and socks. The basement is all cluttered up with beer cans, weights, an old lounge chair, lamp, tools and all kinds of crap on the shelves behind him.)

Caption: “The Whipped Butter”

Grady Wilson: OK, now for this one what you wanna do is you wanna get your center of gravity down low. (he squats a little) Get the balance in your thighs. (slaps thighs twice) Balance in your thighs. And then you just whip that butter! (makes a rapid circle with his butt) Whip that butter! (circles again) Whip that butter! (circles again) Whip that butter! (circles again) Whip it!

Caption: “The Jack of all Trades”

Grady Wilson: “The Jack of all Trades” All right now, you wanna get you hands and your tongue and your thrust going on at the same time. (he jumps back sticking his tongue and banging to the front three times) Huh! Huh! Huh!

Caption: “The Yeah That´s Good”

Grady Wilson: And “The Yeah that´s Good”. All right, for this one you wanna get your leg up as high as it can go. (puts one leg up on the lounge chair) Get it up real high like that….yeah that´s good. (bangs to the front slowly) And dip your back. (dips his back) Oh, that´s good. O-o-oh, that´s good right there. (dips some more) Dip your back. Keep dipping it. (dips some more) Yeah, that´s good. Yeah, that´s good.

Grady Wilson: Every lovemaking technique here is a supercharged wallop for passion to your woman guaranteed to knock it out. First learn the basics, then you´ll be ready for more advance techniques like “The Peek a Boo”.

Caption: “The Peek a Boo”

Grady Wilson: OK, what you wanna do is get down in a football stance. (Grady turns his back to the camera and bends over, his head pops from between his legs) And you wanna go: “Peek a boo”! “Peek a boo”! “Peek a boo”!

Caption: “The you can´t hide from me”

Grady Wilson: Girl, you better come, come, get over here! (Grady runs in circles around the lounge chair) You can´t run from me! (Grady almost falls)

Caption: “The Bumble Bee”

Grady Wilson: “The Flight of the Bumble Bee” Bzzzz…(Grady flies around like a bee, arms pressed to his sides) Stinger! (pushes his pelvis forward) Bzzzzz….(again, pelvis forward) Stinger!

Grady Wilson: And if you´re feeling adventurous go to the extra section in the DVD for some of the craziest moves you´ve ever seen! Remember, this techniques are only for experts. Moves like “The Cannonball Run”.

Caption: “The Cannonball Run”

Grady Wilson: Yiah! (Grady is flat on his back, legs up, kicks up) Yiah! (kicks) Yiah! (kicks)

Caption: “The Getaway”

Grady Wilson: “The Getaway”. Where you goin´, girl? (Grady pulls one hand in front of the other like pulling on a rope) Where you goin´? (hops and pulls) Where you going, girl? (hops and pulls)

Caption: “The Stormin´ Normandy”

Grady Wilson: “The Stormin´Normandy” (Grady hides behind the lounge chair) Open up the U-Boat! (jumps from behind the chair and imitates a plane firing machine guns) Ratatatata! (hides and jumps back) Ratatatata! Ow! (pretends being wounded)

Caption: “The Gotcha!”

Grady Wilson: And “The Gotcha!” OK, now what you wanna do is you wanna put your lady about five paces away from you. Just like this lounge chair here. Then you wanna….(Grady moves out of camera range and comes running fast, jumps and lands on the lounge chair) Gotcha! Yeah! (bangs the chair) That´s good!

(Grady is very amused with himself)

Grady Wilson: Ha, ha, ha, ha! “The Gotcha!” So buy the DVD and get your marriage back where it belongs and get ready to knock it out. Call now.

Caption: Call now. 1-800-555-0199

(cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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