Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 7
The Staten Island Zoo
Mark Potsic…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on title slide ]
Announcer: And now, a message from the Staten Island Zoo.[ cut to zoo office, Mark Potsic seated behind desk ]
Mark Potsic: Hey there, wildlife enthusiasts! My name is Mark Potsic, and today I’d like to talk about an animal we all know, but may now know much about: Giraffes! Sure, they have long necks and spots, but what do we really know about them? Luckily, we’ve just received a brand new documentary from a group of students at Staten Island Technical High School. Now, I haven’t seen it yet, but I’ve been told it’s very insightful. Let’s check it out.[ cut to documentary footage ]
Voiceover: One of the world’s most gentle and majestic creatures —[ a heavy metal guitar riff kicks in, as cutouts of giraffes appear the screen. ]
We Sleep 2 Hours A Day, But We Don’t Fear The Reaper!
We Eat From Trees, And Play Mine-Sweeper!
We Weight 3 Tons, We Come From Outer Space!
Sent Here To Destroy The Whole Human Race!
Vampire Blood Runs Through Our Veins!
Long Forked Tongues Wag, Driving You Insane!
We Have Holding Camps, For When The Time Is Right!
We Will Eat Your Brains, For Our Delight.
There’s No Escape, We’ll Send You To F***ing Hell!
Drinking Gasoline And Spitting Pure Fire,
We Take To The Sky On A Leathery Wings Of A Bat!
F*** Hell Yeah!!!
Mark Potsic: I — I —[ cut back to title slide ]
Announcer: This has been a message from the Staten Island Zoo.[ fade ]
Submitted by: Jordan Anderson