Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 8
Clearing the Air
Paul…..Paul Rudd
Bill…..Bill Hader
Fred…..Fred Armisen
[ projector image, SUPER: “A Movie By Fred, Bill & Noah” ]
[ dissolve to exterior, Bellavitae Restaurant ]
[ dissolve to itnerior, Bill Hader and Paul Rudd seated at table against the wall, drinking coffee ]
Paul: Hey, man, I’m glad we finally got a chance to hang out.
Bill: Yeah. Yeah, it’s been a while.
Paul: Yeah. I just wanted to clear the air.
Bill: Yeah! Yeah, me, too.
Paul: I hope the whole Tracey thing…
Bill: Oh. Y-yeah, yeah — no. It’s… it’s totally cool that you guys went out, I just hope that… we… can still be friends.
Paul: No, no! Oh! Y… no!
Bill: No, no, I know — yeah, I know. You know, it was hard for me at first. Y-yeah.
Paul: I mean, you did break up with her.
Bill: Right! Right. Right. I mean, but, it was still painful.
Paul: Oh, God! No, no! I-I-I-I didn’t mean to suggest that it wasn’t…
Bill: Oh! I wasn’t suggesting that you were suggesting…
Paul: Oh, no, no! I know — I know that you aren’t suggesting that I was — no, I know!
Bill: Hey, you guys are over with now, anyway.
Paul: Yeah! No! But, no — yeah. But, no, that’s what I mean!
Bill: You know what? The Fourth of July is the Fourth of July.
Paul: Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Bill: Everybody is crazy…
Paul: Anyway, I’m really, uh — I’m really, really… sorry.
Bill: Come on!
Paul: No, no, no! I’m…
Bill: Come on! No, don’t do that.
Paul: Really! I’m really, really…
Bill: Come on.
Paul: I’m really, really…
Bill: Come on.
Paul: No, no.
[ Fred enters ]
Fred: Hey, guys.
Bill & Paul: Heeeyyyy…
[ Fred sits next to Bill ]
Paul: So, uh — we were just, uh… kind of clearing the air about this whle Tracey thing.
Fred: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Paul: And, I think, Bill, basiclaly, seems cool with the fact that Tracey —
Bill: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Paul: Okay!
Fred: So, you’re cool with the fact that… I’m seeing Tracey right now?
Paul: Well! Well — well — well, it’s kind of… weird, but…
Bill: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Paul: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! Yeah, no — it’s totally, you know, cool!
Fred: You guys aren’t mad at me right now?
Bill & Paul: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Fred: G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-good!
Bill: No, no, no.
Paul: You guys kind of hooked up while we were still going out… but…
Fred: Right, right, right, right…
Bill: And I’m still, techincally, living with her.
Fred: Wait, wait, wait, w-w-w-wait, wait, wait! I can totally explain that.
Bill & Paul: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Fred: Yeah, yeah! She told me that each of you broke up with her.
Paul: Mmm-hmm.
Bill: Mmm-hmm.
Paul: Mmm-hmm.
Bill: Mmm-hmm.
Fred: That’s what — and then, I thought it would be cool…
Paul: Yeah!
Bill: Yeah!
Fred: Look, and I understand. I mean, you guys would be… and that makes sense.
Bill: No, no, no, no, no, no! And I — you know, I’m agreeing with you.
Paul: You are?
Bill: [ a beat ] No!
Paul: Wait. No… what?
Bill: [ thinking ] No. [ a beat ] Yes.
Paul: Oh, totally.
[ Waitress walks up ]
Waitress: Hey, guys!
Bill, Paul, Fred: Heeeeeyyyyyy….
Waitress: You ready for your bill?
Bill, Paul, Fred: N-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no…
Waitress: [ shirks away ] Okay, okay, okay…
Fred: [ continues ] Just listen. Things are complicated right now… and we’re all good friends.
Bill: Totally, totally, totally, totally…
Paul: Yeah, yeah! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah…
Fred: You guys are like brothers to me.
Bill: Mmm-hmm.
Paul: Mmm-hmm.
Bill: Mmm-hmm.
Paul: Mmm-hmm.
Fred: So… I really like Tracey right now —
Paul: No. N-no, no, no, no…
Bill: No.
Fred: I love you guys —
Bill: Yeah!
Paul: Yeah!
Fred: And it’s hard for me —
Bill: Yeah!
Paul: Yeah!
Fred: And I don’t want our relationship to get in the way of our friendship.
Bill: No! no!
Paul: N-no, n-no, no, no!
Fred: We’re the brothers, you know? We’re the guys.
Bill: Come ooooonnnn!!
Fred: That’s the deal.
Paul: Definitely!
[ they finally stop talking and sip their coffees ]
Paul: So, I f–ked Tracey last night.
Bill: I f–ked her last night, too!
Fred: Waaaaiiittt…
Paul: N-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no…
Bill: Y-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…
Fred: W-wait, wait, wait, wait, wait…
Paul: N-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no…
Bill: Y-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…
Fred: W-wait, wait, wait, wait, wait…
[ their chatter overlaps one another, as time progresses and we see the Waitress fall asleep at her station, and eventually the guys exit the restauant still chattering ]
[ fade ]
