SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 11/15/08: Clearing the Air


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 8

08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Clearing the Air

Paul…..Paul Rudd
Bill…..Bill Hader
Fred…..Fred Armisen

[ projector image, SUPER: “A Movie By Fred, Bill & Noah” ] [ dissolve to exterior, Bellavitae Restaurant ] [ dissolve to itnerior, Bill Hader and Paul Rudd seated at table against the wall, drinking coffee ]

Paul: Hey, man, I’m glad we finally got a chance to hang out.

Bill: Yeah. Yeah, it’s been a while.

Paul: Yeah. I just wanted to clear the air.

Bill: Yeah! Yeah, me, too.

Paul: I hope the whole Tracey thing…

Bill: Oh. Y-yeah, yeah — no. It’s… it’s totally cool that you guys went out, I just hope that… we… can still be friends.

Paul: No, no! Oh! Y… no!

Bill: No, no, I know — yeah, I know. You know, it was hard for me at first. Y-yeah.

Paul: I mean, you did break up with her.

Bill: Right! Right. Right. I mean, but, it was still painful.

Paul: Oh, God! No, no! I-I-I-I didn’t mean to suggest that it wasn’t…

Bill: Oh! I wasn’t suggesting that you were suggesting…

Paul: Oh, no, no! I know — I know that you aren’t suggesting that I was — no, I know!

Bill: Hey, you guys are over with now, anyway.

Paul: Yeah! No! But, no — yeah. But, no, that’s what I mean!

Bill: You know what? The Fourth of July is the Fourth of July.

Paul: Yeah, yeah, yeah…

Bill: Everybody is crazy…

Paul: Anyway, I’m really, uh — I’m really, really… sorry.

Bill: Come on!

Paul: No, no, no! I’m…

Bill: Come on! No, don’t do that.

Paul: Really! I’m really, really…

Bill: Come on.

Paul: I’m really, really…

Bill: Come on.

Paul: No, no.

[ Fred enters ]

Fred: Hey, guys.

Bill & Paul: Heeeyyyy…

[ Fred sits next to Bill ]

Paul: So, uh — we were just, uh… kind of clearing the air about this whle Tracey thing.

Fred: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Paul: And, I think, Bill, basiclaly, seems cool with the fact that Tracey —

Bill: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Paul: Okay!

Fred: So, you’re cool with the fact that… I’m seeing Tracey right now?

Paul: Well! Well — well — well, it’s kind of… weird, but…

Bill: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Paul: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! Yeah, no — it’s totally, you know, cool!

Fred: You guys aren’t mad at me right now?

Bill & Paul: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Fred: G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-good!

Bill: No, no, no.

Paul: You guys kind of hooked up while we were still going out… but…

Fred: Right, right, right, right…

Bill: And I’m still, techincally, living with her.

Fred: Wait, wait, wait, w-w-w-wait, wait, wait! I can totally explain that.

Bill & Paul: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Fred: Yeah, yeah! She told me that each of you broke up with her.

Paul: Mmm-hmm.

Bill: Mmm-hmm.

Paul: Mmm-hmm.

Bill: Mmm-hmm.

Fred: That’s what — and then, I thought it would be cool…

Paul: Yeah!

Bill: Yeah!

Fred: Look, and I understand. I mean, you guys would be… and that makes sense.

Bill: No, no, no, no, no, no! And I — you know, I’m agreeing with you.

Paul: You are?

Bill: [ a beat ] No!

Paul: Wait. No… what?

Bill: [ thinking ] No. [ a beat ] Yes.

Paul: Oh, totally.

[ Waitress walks up ]

Waitress: Hey, guys!

Bill, Paul, Fred: Heeeeeyyyyyy….

Waitress: You ready for your bill?

Bill, Paul, Fred: N-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no…

Waitress: [ shirks away ] Okay, okay, okay…

Fred: [ continues ] Just listen. Things are complicated right now… and we’re all good friends.

Bill: Totally, totally, totally, totally…

Paul: Yeah, yeah! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah…

Fred: You guys are like brothers to me.

Bill: Mmm-hmm.

Paul: Mmm-hmm.

Bill: Mmm-hmm.

Paul: Mmm-hmm.

Fred: So… I really like Tracey right now —

Paul: No. N-no, no, no, no…

Bill: No.

Fred: I love you guys —

Bill: Yeah!

Paul: Yeah!

Fred: And it’s hard for me —

Bill: Yeah!

Paul: Yeah!

Fred: And I don’t want our relationship to get in the way of our friendship.

Bill: No! no!

Paul: N-no, n-no, no, no!

Fred: We’re the brothers, you know? We’re the guys.

Bill: Come ooooonnnn!!

Fred: That’s the deal.

Paul: Definitely!

[ they finally stop talking and sip their coffees ]

Paul: So, I f–ked Tracey last night.

Bill: I f–ked her last night, too!

Fred: Waaaaiiittt…

Paul: N-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no…

Bill: Y-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

Fred: W-wait, wait, wait, wait, wait…

Paul: N-no, n-no, n-no, n-no, n-no…

Bill: Y-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

Fred: W-wait, wait, wait, wait, wait…

[ their chatter overlaps one another, as time progresses and we see the Waitress fall asleep at her station, and eventually the guys exit the restauant still chattering ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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4 years ago

Where’s the video for this? has it been banned from the internet?

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