SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 11/15/08: Paul Rudd’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 8

08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Paul Rudd’s Monologue

…..Paul Rudd
Gov. Janet Napolitano…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Paul Rudd!

Paul Rudd: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. It is just — it is GREAT to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I’ve just always loved this show, and there’s just been so much excitement around SNL this year because of this exciting, historic election! [ the audience cheers ] YES! And, now, I’m here — eleven days after the… election has ended, and… you know, I just don’t feel the heat. It’s a little bit, kind of, like, you know, being in Times Square on New Year’s, uh, day. [ the audience laughs ] Kind of after everyone’s gone home, and there’s… garbage on the ground.

Wait — no! Election or no election, this is SNL! You know? [ the audience cheers ] That’s right! Yes! Being here now is like winning an Oscar — uh, one of those technical Oscars that they give out at a hotel. But it’s STILL an Oscar! SNL is as GREAT as ever! [ the audience cheers ]

For instance, did you like Tina Fey as Sarah Palin? Huh? [ the audience cheers ] Pretty good, right? Well, if that’s the case, you are gonna LOVE Kristen Wiig as potential Attorney General, Arizona governor, Janet Napolitano!

Gov. Janet Napolitano: I’m potential Attorney General… Janet Napolitano! I grew up in Albuquerque!

Paul Rudd: Hey, Janet! What do you think we should do to, uh, border security legislation?

Gov. Janet Napolitano: Let’s REVAMP it!

[ Rudd tries to show his excitement, but the audience isn’t fully buying it, so Wiig makes her exit ]

Paul Rudd: Oh, well. It could be a little early on that one, but that is a GREAT Janet Napolitano. And, either way, I am jut so happy to be here ANY week of the year! It’s — it’s a dream come true. And I know everyone says that, but I really mean it. Plus, you never know, a certain President-elect might stop by! [ he glances off-screen ] What? No? Oh. Sorry.

But, anyway — look, we’ve got a great show! Beyonce is here. So, stick around, and we’ll be back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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