Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 8
[ open on footage from a Prop 8 protest ] [ dissolve to Eddie and Frankie standing in their service garage ]
Frankie: Can you believe this?
Frankie: “We want gay marriage.” I mean… [ he scoffs ] You know what I mean?
Eddie: I know what you mean.
Frankie: I mean, look — live the way you want to live, but, for me… you know. [ he sneers ] That don’t sit right.
Eddie: Ah, I know. I mean, to each their own. God bless. I got a cousin. But that stuff — ehhh.
Frankie: Look, they’re not bad people. I mean, remember we went to the Pride parade last year?
Eddie: That’s right, yeah. No, we had to build that float.
Frankie: Exactly! And, you know what? We had a good time!
Eddie: Sure, we did! It’s a pageant — the colors and the bodies, and it’s fun!
Frankie: It’s a way to spend a Sun-day! [ a beat ] But to make it your whole life? Eughh, it’s silly.
Eddie: No, you know what it is? It’s DUMB!
Frankie: Yeah. Hey, you know those guys from the parade?[ he stops to assist a guy picking up his car ]
Frankie: Those guys from the parade — they’re good guys!
Frankie: I mean, we meet up, and we rollerblade shirtless and in jean cutoffs… and we walk our tiny dogs, you know?
Eddie: Yeah! Sure! Because it’s good fun! Hey, you know me — every week, I put on a ball gown and I go down to the club and do my Anne Murray show. [ he shrugs ] I sing standards and people forget their troubles.
Frankie: Yeahhh, you’re doing them a ser-vice! [ a beat ] Look, do I go cruising? Sure. And I pick up rough trade, and it’s a joke, and I can barely keep a straight face! I’m not judging anybody. But these people.
Eddie: I know! I mean, do I walk around like a big shot?
Eddie: I got a sense of humor! I go down to the bus station… I put my thing in a hole in the bathroom, and there’s some jokester on the other side, and we GOOF back and forth ‘cuz it’s DUMB!
Frankie: It’s a GAG! It’s HILARIOUS![ he stops to assist a woman picking up his car ]
Eddie: You know… like, with you and me.
Frankie: Thank you!
Eddie: We are lovers — we make love.
Frankie: Thank you!
Eddie: And, if we did get married, it would be to LAUGH at it!
Frankie: [ laughing ] We got gay-married! I would crack up![ Eddie drops to his knee and holds up a ring ]
Eddie: Hey, Frankie! Will you marry me?
Frankie: Ohhhhh, Eddie… this is the most hilarious goofball thing you’ve ever done! [ he takes the ring ] I do!
Eddie: [ stands ] Whoop-dee-doo! We’re engaged!
Frankie: Because it’s STU-PID![ they laugh, as Frankie whips out his cell phone ]
Eddie: Hey, who are you calling?
Frankie: My parents, to tell them the news. My mom’s gonna bust a GUT!
Eddie: They already know! I called and asked your father’s permission!
Frankie: You JERK! What did he say?
Eddie: He couldn’t stop laughing! [ a beat ] They’re getting us a panini bake.
Frankie: You registered us?!
Eddie: Williams Sonoma!
Frankie: Ohhhh! So, where we headed — Vermont?
Frankie: Ohhh… hey, let’s go to that bed-and-breakfast at the herbalist home.
Eddie: One step ahead of you — I booked a room with the Franklin Star.
Frankie: Ohhhh, you silly bastard![ Eddie chuckles ]
Frankie: This is so stupid!
Eddie: The rest of our lives is gonna be so hilarious!
Frankie: [ grabs Eddie’s arm ] Come on! Let’s leave work![ the exit the scene, fade ]