SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 11/15/08: Road Trip: “Garden Party”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 8










08h: Paul Rudd / Beyonce

Road Trip: “Garden Party”

Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Paul…..Paul Rudd
Bill…..Bill Hader
Will…..Will Forte

[ open on stock footage of a car traveling down the highway, as voices yell out “ROAD TRIP!!!” ] [ dissolve to car interior, where four buddies sit ]

Paul: Oh, yeah! Nothin’ but highway for the next 300 miles!

Jason: Yes! And, in honor of our road trip, I went ahead and brought along a few… [ holds up beer cans ] ROAD BEERS!!

[ he passes the cans to his buddies in the back seat ]

Paul: Come on, man, I’m driving!

Jason: I know, I know you’re driving. That’s why I brought you… a wine cooler! [ he hands the wine cooler over, as everyone laughs ]

Paul: You got me! you know what I brought? [ he holds up a CD ] A little driving music!

Will: Mix CD!

Bill: Sweet!

[ they high-five across the back seat ]

Paul: Some mellow jams to help drive us away from our stresses.

[ he inserts the CD into the drive, as Rick Nelson’s “Garden Party” begins to play ]

Jason: Awww, great song!

[ the other buddies voice their agreement ]

Paul: The incomparable Richard Nelson!

Jason: Yep. Hey, you know what this song beminds me of? The last time I had sex.

Paul: Really?

Jason: Yeah. Yeah, I was in the back of a cab. There was this horrible traffic jam, and we were at a standstill. So we were really discreet about it. We just did it right under our coat, right there in the cab!

Bill: Wow!

Jason: Yeah! And, as luck would have it, you know, the second we were finished, traffic opened up. so the guy got out, got back in the driver’s seat, and drove me home. [ he laughs ] Second time that night!

Together:
“Well, it’s… all right now!
I’ve learned my lesson well!
You see, you… can’t please everyone
so you… got to please yourself!”

Bill: You know what this song reminds me of? The time I got engaged.

All: Ohhh, yeah!!

Bill: I remember my girl came in the room, and she said, “I’m pregnant!” And I was, like, “Great!” But when she turned around, I… took off out the back door and drove away. I didn’t see her for two weeks. Then, one day, I decided I would do the right thing, and proposed.

Will: What made you change your mind?

Bill: Her mom got nominated Vice-President of the United States.

Together:
“But it’s… all right now!
I’ve learned my lesson well!
You see, you… can’t please everyone
so you… got to please yourself!”

Bill: I dumped her on November 5th.

Jason: Big League Chew?

Paul: Oh, no thanks.

Jason: Big League Chew?

Bill: I’m good, I’m good.

Jason: Big League Chew?

Will: No, I’m fine.

Jason: More for me!

Will: Yeah… you know, I heard this song on the radio the other day. I was, uh, going to take a drug test for me new job. Yuo guys know I like to snort a bit of cocaine from time to time, right?

Jason: Sure.

Will: Well, luckily, I had a plan: I smuggled my friend’s urine into work. And it was tough, you know? I had to keep it on me all day.

Jason: Wow! Were you nervous?

Will: No, no, no, no, no — I was super cool. I didn’t say a word. Then again, it’s pretty hard to talk with another man’s urine in your mouth.

Together:
“But it’s… all right now!
I’ve learned my lesson well!
You see, you… can’t please everyone
so you… got to please yourself!”

Will: I still failed — my friend does coke, too.

Jason: Mushrooms? Mushrooms? [ everyone waves him away ] No magic mushrooms? More for me.

Paul: Man, this is sucj a great song! I should make this my ringtone! Hey, that reminds me — can you call me? I can’t find my cell phone.

Jason: Yeah, sure. [ he dials ] Here we go.

Paul: I found it!

Jason: Where? I can’t hear it.

Paul: No, it’s on vibrate. Uh, it’s in my butt. Don’t hang up! Don’t hang up! [ he waits and enjoys the experience ]

Together:
“Well, it’s… all right now!
I’ve learned my lesson well!
You see, you… can’t please everyone
so you… got to please yourself!”

Paul: Ah, damn — it went to voice mail. [ a beat ] Oh!

Jason: What?

Paul: A new message!

Jason: [ chuckles ]

Paul: Alright, 294 more miles to g.

Jason: Yep. We should take I-35, right? Do you have the map?

Paul: Yeah, it’s in the glovebox.

Jason: [ he opens it and laughs ] Wait a second! Why is there a gun in here?

Paul: Just protection.

Jason: Really? Is it loaded? [ he dangles it toward the back seat ] [ the gun fires, striking Bill in the head as blood gushes from his rear temple and splashes all over he back window ]

Paul: Does that answer your question?

[ the guys all laugh, as the screen freezes and the words “THe ENd” appear on the screen to the sound of “CHiPS” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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