Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 8
Road Trip: “Garden Party”
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Paul…..Paul Rudd
Bill…..Bill Hader
Will…..Will Forte
[ open on stock footage of a car traveling down the highway, as voices yell out “ROAD TRIP!!!” ]
[ dissolve to car interior, where four buddies sit ]
Paul: Oh, yeah! Nothin’ but highway for the next 300 miles!
Jason: Yes! And, in honor of our road trip, I went ahead and brought along a few… [ holds up beer cans ] ROAD BEERS!!
[ he passes the cans to his buddies in the back seat ]
Paul: Come on, man, I’m driving!
Jason: I know, I know you’re driving. That’s why I brought you… a wine cooler! [ he hands the wine cooler over, as everyone laughs ]
Paul: You got me! you know what I brought? [ he holds up a CD ] A little driving music!
Will: Mix CD!
Bill: Sweet!
[ they high-five across the back seat ]
Paul: Some mellow jams to help drive us away from our stresses.
[ he inserts the CD into the drive, as Rick Nelson’s “Garden Party” begins to play ]
Jason: Awww, great song!
[ the other buddies voice their agreement ]
Paul: The incomparable Richard Nelson!
Jason: Yep. Hey, you know what this song beminds me of? The last time I had sex.
Paul: Really?
Jason: Yeah. Yeah, I was in the back of a cab. There was this horrible traffic jam, and we were at a standstill. So we were really discreet about it. We just did it right under our coat, right there in the cab!
Bill: Wow!
Jason: Yeah! And, as luck would have it, you know, the second we were finished, traffic opened up. so the guy got out, got back in the driver’s seat, and drove me home. [ he laughs ] Second time that night!
Together:
“Well, it’s… all right now!
I’ve learned my lesson well!
You see, you… can’t please everyone
so you… got to please yourself!”
Bill: You know what this song reminds me of? The time I got engaged.
All: Ohhh, yeah!!
Bill: I remember my girl came in the room, and she said, “I’m pregnant!” And I was, like, “Great!” But when she turned around, I… took off out the back door and drove away. I didn’t see her for two weeks. Then, one day, I decided I would do the right thing, and proposed.
Will: What made you change your mind?
Bill: Her mom got nominated Vice-President of the United States.
Together:
“But it’s… all right now!
I’ve learned my lesson well!
You see, you… can’t please everyone
so you… got to please yourself!”
Bill: I dumped her on November 5th.
Jason: Big League Chew?
Paul: Oh, no thanks.
Jason: Big League Chew?
Bill: I’m good, I’m good.
Jason: Big League Chew?
Will: No, I’m fine.
Jason: More for me!
Will: Yeah… you know, I heard this song on the radio the other day. I was, uh, going to take a drug test for me new job. Yuo guys know I like to snort a bit of cocaine from time to time, right?
Jason: Sure.
Will: Well, luckily, I had a plan: I smuggled my friend’s urine into work. And it was tough, you know? I had to keep it on me all day.
Jason: Wow! Were you nervous?
Will: No, no, no, no, no — I was super cool. I didn’t say a word. Then again, it’s pretty hard to talk with another man’s urine in your mouth.
Together:
“But it’s… all right now!
I’ve learned my lesson well!
You see, you… can’t please everyone
so you… got to please yourself!”
Will: I still failed — my friend does coke, too.
Jason: Mushrooms? Mushrooms? [ everyone waves him away ] No magic mushrooms? More for me.
Paul: Man, this is sucj a great song! I should make this my ringtone! Hey, that reminds me — can you call me? I can’t find my cell phone.
Jason: Yeah, sure. [ he dials ] Here we go.
Paul: I found it!
Jason: Where? I can’t hear it.
Paul: No, it’s on vibrate. Uh, it’s in my butt. Don’t hang up! Don’t hang up! [ he waits and enjoys the experience ]
Together:
“Well, it’s… all right now!
I’ve learned my lesson well!
You see, you… can’t please everyone
so you… got to please yourself!”
Paul: Ah, damn — it went to voice mail. [ a beat ] Oh!
Jason: What?
Paul: A new message!
Jason: [ chuckles ]
Paul: Alright, 294 more miles to g.
Jason: Yep. We should take I-35, right? Do you have the map?
Paul: Yeah, it’s in the glovebox.
Jason: [ he opens it and laughs ] Wait a second! Why is there a gun in here?
Paul: Just protection.
Jason: Really? Is it loaded? [ he dangles it toward the back seat ]
[ the gun fires, striking Bill in the head as blood gushes from his rear temple and splashes all over he back window ]
Paul: Does that answer your question?
[ the guys all laugh, as the screen freezes and the words “THe ENd” appear on the screen to the sound of “CHiPS” ]
[ fade ]