Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 8
An SNL Digital Short
Man in oven….Jason Sudeikis
Stabbed in the eye guy….Bobby Moynihan
Suicide woman with knife….Michaela Watkins
Celebrity reporter….Casey Wilson
(Opens with Andy Samberg walking in on Paul Rudd´s in a break room. Paul writes on a script)
Andy Samberg: Hey, Paul.
Paul Rudd: Hey, what´s up, dude?
Andy Samberg: Nothing. What you doing?
Paul Rudd: Oh, just highlighting my lines.
Andy Samberg: Cool. (stares Paul with interest)
Paul Rudd: What?
Andy Samberg: Well, this is going to sound kind of weird but….may I paint you?
Paul Rudd: I´d like that.
Andy Samberg: Cool.
(cut to a room with scented candles burning, Paul is lying completely naked on a couch in front of Andy, Andy paints on an easel)
Paul Rudd: Cold in here.
Andy Samberg: Could´ve fooled me.
Paul Rudd: (eyes darting down to his own crotch) So, everything is in its right place?
Andy Samberg: Big time.
Paul Rudd: I get so self-conscious.
Andy Samberg: Here. (gets up and puts on music on a radio) A little music will help you relax.
(music is slow easy listening instrumental with someone vocalizing)
Music: Ha, ha, ha, haha, hahaha, haha, ha, ha….
Paul Rudd: Um, I love this.
Andy Samberg:(sits down to paint) Yeah.
Paul Rudd: Who is this?
Andy Samberg: Its me.
Music: Ha, ha, haha, haha, ha, ha, ha….
(Andy paints, Paul just lies there, eyes closed on the couch. Andy taps his paintbrush on his lips with a longing look on his face, close-up on Paul´s pixeled genitals)
(cut to Paul in a bathrobe with Andy admiring the painting)
Paul Rudd: Wow.
Andy Samberg: Do you like it?
Paul Rudd: Oh, Andy. I love it. Hey, man, you know what I´d like to do?
Andy Samberg: What?
Paul Rudd: I´d like to paint you.
(cut to Andy on the couch now)
Andy Samberg: So, what do you think?
Paul Rudd: You look perfect.
(Andy is naked from the waist down, pixeled genitals)
Andy Samberg: Do you mind if we listen to some music?
Paul Rudd: Not at all.(puts on music on radio)
Music: Ha, hahaha, ha, hahaha, ha, ha…
Andy Samberg: I love this song.
(Paul winks at Andy, close-up on Andy´s hairy legs, lusty looks back and forth, Paul taps the paintbrush on his lips and admires Andy´s pixeled genitals)
(Andy and Paul both wear bathrobes and admire the painting)
Andy Samberg: I love it.
Paul Rudd: Really?
Andy Samberg: Yes, really.
Paul Rudd: Thanks.
Andy Samberg: This thing is really good, man. I think we could actually sell it.
Paul Rudd: Oh, I don´t know about that.
Andy Samberg: Paul, its a masterpiece.
(cut to an elegant auction)
Curator: 26,000 thousand, 27? 27? Do we hear 27 thousand? Going once, going twice. Sold to the gentleman in the gray blazer.(pounds gavel)
(light applause, Paul and Andy wear matching white tuxedos)
Andy Samberg: This is us.
Paul Rudd: I´m so nervous.
Andy Samberg: Don´t be. I´m telling you, they´re gonna love it.
Curator: This next painting is by a brand new artist and we´re lucky enough to have him here tonight. Please welcome, Mr. Paul Rudd.(light applause)Its a rare honor of a curator to introduce the world to a new artistic voice. It takes a quiet bravery to bare one´s soul to the world. Let´s see what´s inside Mr. Rudd´s.
(An assistant to the curator reveals Paul´s painting and everyone at the auction give ghastly screams. A hellish pandemonium breaks out. The assistant convulses and vomits, A man stabs himself in the eye, woman vomits uncontrollably, a man puts his head in an oven, Indiana Jones and Marion from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” are tied to a post)
Indiana Jones: DON´T OPEN YOUR EYES, MARION!! DON´T OPEN YOUR EYES!!
(A woman cries blood and puts a gun to her head and pulls the trigger. Blood splashes Paul and Andy. An Italian woman says her prayers and slashes her own throat. More blood sprays Andy and Paul. The curator is bleeding from the eyes and the mouth, he cocks a shotgun and blows his head off, a woman breaks a chair on a man´s back. Andy looks at Paul kind of amused)
Andy Samberg: Everyone´s a critic. (cute shrugs)
Caption: Everyone´s a critic.
(Cut to a celebrity reporter interviewing Paul and Andy in front of the “Everyone´s a critic” poster)
Celebrity reporter: That was a clip from “Everyone´s a critic”, starring Paul Rudd and Andy Samberg. Hi, guys. I understand you brought a little surprise with you.
Paul Rudd: We did. I don´t know if you remember the painting from the film but…(shows the painting)
Celebrity reporter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Celebrity reporter convulses, blood comes out her eyes, the boom mike guy vomits and falls over dead, celebrity reporter dies in her chair in front of Paul and Andy)
(Andy and Paul quietly leave)
(cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel