Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 8
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
It’s official, for the next four years, it will be pronounced “nuclear.”
On Monday, first lady Laura Bush gave Michelle Obama a private tour of their residence, without once taking her hand off her pocketbook.
Aides to Barack Obama are preparing a major expansion of the White House communications operation, which will enable them to reach out through the internet directly to the many Obama supporters they collected during the campaign. I just hope he’s not one of those guys who updates his Facebook status every five seconds.
Barack Obama met with Hillary Clinton on Friday to see if she would be interested in a role in his administration.”Of course,” said Hillary, “I’ll take president.”
Thomas Beatty, the pregnant man who appeared on “Oprah” and gave birth last June to a baby girl,is pregnant again. What’s his secret? He has a uterus and a vagina.
Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24-inch television set from a store.The man said he would have paid for it, but he couldn’t reach his wallet.
No? How about this?
Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24-inch television set from a store. Man, how lazy are your employees when they don’t stop a guy from kicking a tv out the front door.
Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24-inch television set from a store. Ah, the old no-finger discount.
Last week, the state of California passed… [ quickly ] Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24-inch television set from a store. Police said it was an easy arrest, as the suspect was unarmed.
Last week, the state of California passed proposition 8, effectively banning gay marriage. Here to comment… [Audience booing] Okay. The vote’s over, but thank you. Here to comment is Snagglepuss.
Snagglepuss: Good evening, Seth. Or should I say bad evening? Despicable, even?
Seth Meyers: Yes. A lot of people view this as a big setback for the gay community.
Snagglepuss: Yes, an enormous setback. Gigantic, even. You would think that in this day and age,people would be more tolerant, even.
Seth Meyers: And obviously, this is a huge disappointment to you personally.
Snagglepuss: Why, what on earth do you mean?
Seth Meyers: Well, you know, you being a homosexual lion.
Snagglepuss: [ double take ] Heavens to Mergatroid! I wasn’t talking about me! I’m a straight as a line, a Chorus Line, even.
Seth Meyers: Come on, Snagglepuss.
Snagglepuss: Oh, who am I kidding? I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Or the lion’s out of the closet, even.The point is, Seth, I know the day will come when my partner and i can legally marry.
Seth Meyers: Your partner?
Seth Meyers: Oh.
The Great Gazoo: Hello, dum-dum.
Snagglepuss: The great Gazoo, ladies and germs. My lover, even.
The Great Gazoo: Oh, it feels so good to finally hear you say that. Anyhoo, I’ll see you at home. I have a marathon of “Real Housewives of Atlanta” on DVR and a bottle of Chablis chilling in the fridge.
The Great Gazoo: I love you, dum-dum!
Seth Meyers: Snagglepuss, ladies and gentlemen!
Snagglepuss: Heavens to Mergatroid! Exit stage left.
Seth Meyers: “Sopranos” actor Tony Sirico debuted a new cologne this week named for his character, Paulie Walnuts, called “Paolo per Uomo”, which is italian for “Paul for Men.” It’s expected to do slightly better than Big Pussy’s Feminine Hygiene Spray.
The mayor of a small town in Turkey called Batman is suing “Dark Knight” director Christopher Nolan and Warner Brothers for using the city’s name without permission. Among those paying careful attention to the outcome of the case, the mayor of Incredible Hulk, Armenia.
Madonna reportedly told a friend that A-rod has a heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body.A-rod then said Madonna has the heart of a gorgeous woman trapped inside the body of a Velociraptor.
Will Smith, Tom Cruise and Rush Limbaugh are among Barbara Walters’ Ten Most Fascinating People of 2008.Which proves, if nothing else, that Barbara Walters is easily fascinated.
Now with a special “Weekend Update” message, Justin Timberlake.
Justin Timberlake: Thank you, thank you. Oh, stop it. Thank you. Thank you, Seth. Thank you. You guys are probably wondering what I’m doing here tonight. Yeah. Well, the thing is, I said I’d do the Thanksgiving show next week, and unfortunately, I had to cancel. And I feel bad because I had the whole thing mapped out in my head. So do you mind if I just do it right now?
Seth Meyers: No, of course. I mean, we’d love that.
Justin Timberlake: Yeah? Okay. All right. Open on close-up of presidential seal, something political that I’m not in. And [Imitating Don Pardo] “Live from New York, it’s Sturday Night! With Fred Armisen, Will Forte,the handsome guy, the black guy, Kristin Wiig. And featuring the new guy and the new girls.And your host and musical guest, Justin Timberlake.” “Oh, thank you, thank you.” Applause, applause, applause.I try to start talking, more applause. “Seriously, people, settle down.” More applause.”It’s great to be here again hosting Saturday Night Live,” Even more applause. “Okay, enough! Hey, Thanksgivingis Thursday. Blah, blah, blue.” “I’m bringing turkey back jokes! Whatever’s left I’ll eat it for a snack”.Andy and Bill as backup dancers, because they’re not in anything else. ha, ha, ha. “Stick around, we got a greatshow. We’ll be right back.” Some ad parody that I’m not in, then… “Bring it on down to Turkeyville.” Commercial,and [Imitating Bill Hader’s character] “Good evening and welcome back to “The Vincent Price Thanksgiving Special, with me and three other dead people.” Of course, I’ll play James Dean. And straight into a digital short. Step one: “You cut a hole in the turkey”. Step two: bad idea. Should not have done that. And song. “Ladies and gentlemen, me!.” [Singing] “Ain’t another woman that can take your spot my love.” “So don’t give away my love, so don’t give away.” Ladies going crazy, hot dance moves and out. Audience up for grabs. Commercial. And it’s “Weekend Uupdate.”I’m not in this, I catch my breath, I text Jessica. Joke, joke, joke. Kenan in a dress. Introspective moment. Man, this show is really live. I mean, it’s really happening. Joke, joke, joke, Nicholas Fehn. [Imitating Fred Armisen’s character] “Okay, what I mean is– okay– How many people –” Joke, joke, joke, and Target Lady. [Imitating Kristen Wiig’s character] “I’m going to put the candle in my guest bathroom, so my guests can feel like they’re pooping in the monastery.” On to “Talkin’ it up on the Barry Gibb Talk Show…” [Imitating Bee Gees high pitch voices] No! No, I don’t. Second song. Sit behind the piano, put on a tiny hat and “Sing the song be intense and you look at the… camera.” Onto the last sketch. It’s “My Michael Macdonald impression…” Wow, what a great show. I’d like to thank Jimmy Fallon and Senator Chris Dodd for stopping by. What’s that? You want one more song? I couldn’t. All right, I’ll do it![Singing] “I’m bringing sexy back
Them other boys don’t know how to act
I think you’re special what’s behind your back
So turn around and I’ll pick up the slack.
Seth, take it to the bridge!”
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Seth Meyers!
Justin Timberlake: I’m Justin Timberlake. Good night!
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez