SNL Transcripts: Tim McGraw: 11/22/08: Blizzard Man


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Blizzard Man

Blizzard Man….Andy Samberg
Music engineer….Kenan Thompson
Ted Jankaloff….Tim McGraw

[Opens with a shot of Megahits Studios building, cut into a recording room with rap superstars Ludacris and T-Pain]

Ludacris: Hey man, you know, I got to thank you for coming in today, my dawg.

T-Pain: I appreciate it man. You already know its no problem. You want to go ahead and lay this thing on down?

Ludacris: Yeah, about that, um…I decided to replace you on this song.

T-Pain: Replace me?

Ludacris: Yeah.

T-Pain: T-Pain?

Ludacris: Yes.

T-Pain: With who?

Ludacris: The Blizzard Man.

T-Pain: The Blizzard Man?

Ludacris: Oh, yeah.

Music Engineer: Oh, yeah. The Blizzard Man, I heard he ripped it at Common’s show.

Ludacris: Yep, yep.

T-Pain: I never heard of him.

Ludacris: Well, get ready. Because you’re about to right now. [doorbell sounds] That’s him man! [opens the door and in comes white rapper The Blizzard Man with his early 90’s shirt, glasses and 90’s hair] Blizzy B! What’s up boy?! [handshakes and hugs] What’s going on, man?! Blizzy B, T-Pain, T-Pain, Blizzy B!

The Blizzard Man: What it do?

T-Pain: [confused] What it do?

Ludacris: All right, man. You ready to get in there?

The Blizzard Man: Oh, indeed.[gets into the recording booth]

Ludacris: Come on, man. Let’s go! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

T-Pain: Did you replace me with dude in there?

Ludacris: Yeah, I know. He has kind of a fresher style, right?

Music Engineer: No!

T-Pain: No.

Ludacris: Man, whatever, man. All right, Blizz. Man, just let it ride. Do what you feel.

The Blizzard Man: All right. [heavy rap beat plays, Blizzard Man has headphones on and raps hard] Yo’! I’m about to set it! Another number one hit! Turn up my snare! Yeah, check my style out! [raps like an idiot, arms flailing] Rap song, rap song! We come from the South and our teeth are gold! We drink lots of codeine and sit around, a jam comes on and we all do the crunk! Yo’! [crosses arms]

Ludacris:[ecstatic] Whooo! That’s what I’m talking about! My man still got it! I love it! He’s still got it!

T-Pain: Still got what?! That was terrible!

Music Engineer: Damn man! He sound like Al Jolson.

Ludacris: What?! Man, ya’ll trippin’! That’s a hit! Come on now.

[doorbell sounds]

Music Engineer: Who is that?

The Blizzard Man: That’s probably the head of my label.

[a white guy dressed in the same 90’s style shirts and a bad perm enters the studio]

Ted Jankaloff: What the dilly?! I’m Ted Jankaloff, the head of Jim Jam Records. And before Blizz records any more songs, he gets half the publishing.

T-Pain:[incredulous laugh] What?! I don’t even get that! He’s not getting that!

Ludacris: Hell yeah man! Deal! He’s worth every penny of it! Blizz, are you ready for another take?

The Blizzard Man: Word is bond. [heavy rap beat plays] Yo’! Make it clap! Ludacris, Blizzard Man. Way better than T-Pain! [T-Pain looks uncomfortable] Check my style out! [raps like an idiot, arms flailing] We’re at the strip club spending cash! $1’s and $5’s and even $2’s! We make it rain cause this is a song and I throw a silver dollar and a lady gets hurt. Yo’! Stop snitchin’! [crosses arms]

Ludacris: Oh, are you for real?! Come on, man! I gotta be dreaming right now! Is this heaven? Is this heaven?

Music Engineer: No!

T-Pain: Yo’, this dude is gar-bage in french terms.

Ted Jankaloff: Man, you must be sippin’ that purp! My dude is putting it down for the streets!

Music engineer: Man, what streets?

Ted Jankaloff: You know, cul-de-sacs mostly.

Ludacris: Man, come on man. Ya’ll got to keep it down now. Blizz, he’s very sensitive. Oh, look. See! [Blizzard Man moronic look, tongue out] You made him upset.

T-Pain:[offended] Man, how can you even compare me to this dude? I’m T-Pain, man! He looks like Vanilla Ice stunt double, dawg!

The Blizzard Man: Man, I can do it T-Pain style. Man, turn up that auto-tuner!

Ludacris: Oh, you see?! You see what you just did?! You done unleashed the beast! Now we’re about to enter into a whole new realm of music. We’re talking Beethoven, Bach, Bob Marley, Men at Work territory! Man, hey Blizz, you ready?!

The Blizzard Man: [wears a top-hat like T-Pain] Believe that! [rap beat sounds, voice appears robotic] Oh, shorty! It’s Blizzard Man! Come on, come on, you done set me off. Check my style out! [throws hat away, raps like an idiot, arms flailing] Robot voice, robot voice! All the kids love the robot voice! My dookie chain cost lots of clams [T-Pain serious look] Snoop Doggy Dog is on my nards! I wear very nice duds. Pierre Cardin and Jordache jeans! [music engineer troubled look] My hypercolor shirts changes when it’s warm but usually that’s confined to my pits [Ted and Ludacris pump their fists to the beat] I dig smooching babes, I squeeze their butts, if they give their consent, later on if they don’t object I’ll move to their boobies and give them a honk! Do, do, dooodoly, do, do, do doodoly, do, do, do, doodily do, do….

T-Pain: You know what man? Ya’ll boys might be right. I think I’m gonna do a song with him too.

Ludacris: I told you! Did I not tell you?!

Ted Jankaloff: All right. He gets all the publishing?

T-Pain: That’s all right. We good.

Ted Jankaloff: Yeah!!

[New York Times headline newspaper. T-Pain unveils new song. Gets beat up by fans.] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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