Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 9
Blizzard Man….Andy Samberg
Music engineer….Kenan Thompson
Ted Jankaloff….Tim McGraw
Ludacris: Hey man, you know, I got to thank you for coming in today, my dawg.
T-Pain: I appreciate it man. You already know its no problem. You want to go ahead and lay this thing on down?
Ludacris: Yeah, about that, um…I decided to replace you on this song.
T-Pain: Replace me?
T-Pain: With who?
Ludacris: The Blizzard Man.
T-Pain: The Blizzard Man?
Ludacris: Oh, yeah.
Music Engineer: Oh, yeah. The Blizzard Man, I heard he ripped it at Common’s show.
Ludacris: Yep, yep.
T-Pain: I never heard of him.
Ludacris: Well, get ready. Because you’re about to right now. [doorbell sounds] That’s him man! [opens the door and in comes white rapper The Blizzard Man with his early 90’s shirt, glasses and 90’s hair] Blizzy B! What’s up boy?! [handshakes and hugs] What’s going on, man?! Blizzy B, T-Pain, T-Pain, Blizzy B!
The Blizzard Man: What it do?
T-Pain: [confused] What it do?
Ludacris: All right, man. You ready to get in there?
The Blizzard Man: Oh, indeed.[gets into the recording booth]
Ludacris: Come on, man. Let’s go! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
T-Pain: Did you replace me with dude in there?
Ludacris: Yeah, I know. He has kind of a fresher style, right?
Music Engineer: No!
Ludacris: Man, whatever, man. All right, Blizz. Man, just let it ride. Do what you feel.
The Blizzard Man: All right. [heavy rap beat plays, Blizzard Man has headphones on and raps hard] Yo’! I’m about to set it! Another number one hit! Turn up my snare! Yeah, check my style out! [raps like an idiot, arms flailing] Rap song, rap song! We come from the South and our teeth are gold! We drink lots of codeine and sit around, a jam comes on and we all do the crunk! Yo’! [crosses arms]
Ludacris:[ecstatic] Whooo! That’s what I’m talking about! My man still got it! I love it! He’s still got it!
T-Pain: Still got what?! That was terrible!
Music Engineer: Damn man! He sound like Al Jolson.
Ludacris: What?! Man, ya’ll trippin’! That’s a hit! Come on now.[doorbell sounds]
Music Engineer: Who is that?
The Blizzard Man: That’s probably the head of my label.[a white guy dressed in the same 90’s style shirts and a bad perm enters the studio]
Ted Jankaloff: What the dilly?! I’m Ted Jankaloff, the head of Jim Jam Records. And before Blizz records any more songs, he gets half the publishing.
T-Pain:[incredulous laugh] What?! I don’t even get that! He’s not getting that!
Ludacris: Hell yeah man! Deal! He’s worth every penny of it! Blizz, are you ready for another take?
The Blizzard Man: Word is bond. [heavy rap beat plays] Yo’! Make it clap! Ludacris, Blizzard Man. Way better than T-Pain! [T-Pain looks uncomfortable] Check my style out! [raps like an idiot, arms flailing] We’re at the strip club spending cash! $1’s and $5’s and even $2’s! We make it rain cause this is a song and I throw a silver dollar and a lady gets hurt. Yo’! Stop snitchin’! [crosses arms]
Ludacris: Oh, are you for real?! Come on, man! I gotta be dreaming right now! Is this heaven? Is this heaven?
Music Engineer: No!
T-Pain: Yo’, this dude is gar-bage in french terms.
Ted Jankaloff: Man, you must be sippin’ that purp! My dude is putting it down for the streets!
Music engineer: Man, what streets?
Ted Jankaloff: You know, cul-de-sacs mostly.
Ludacris: Man, come on man. Ya’ll got to keep it down now. Blizz, he’s very sensitive. Oh, look. See! [Blizzard Man moronic look, tongue out] You made him upset.
T-Pain:[offended] Man, how can you even compare me to this dude? I’m T-Pain, man! He looks like Vanilla Ice stunt double, dawg!
The Blizzard Man: Man, I can do it T-Pain style. Man, turn up that auto-tuner!
Ludacris: Oh, you see?! You see what you just did?! You done unleashed the beast! Now we’re about to enter into a whole new realm of music. We’re talking Beethoven, Bach, Bob Marley, Men at Work territory! Man, hey Blizz, you ready?!
The Blizzard Man: [wears a top-hat like T-Pain] Believe that! [rap beat sounds, voice appears robotic] Oh, shorty! It’s Blizzard Man! Come on, come on, you done set me off. Check my style out! [throws hat away, raps like an idiot, arms flailing] Robot voice, robot voice! All the kids love the robot voice! My dookie chain cost lots of clams [T-Pain serious look] Snoop Doggy Dog is on my nards! I wear very nice duds. Pierre Cardin and Jordache jeans! [music engineer troubled look] My hypercolor shirts changes when it’s warm but usually that’s confined to my pits [Ted and Ludacris pump their fists to the beat] I dig smooching babes, I squeeze their butts, if they give their consent, later on if they don’t object I’ll move to their boobies and give them a honk! Do, do, dooodoly, do, do, do doodoly, do, do, do, doodily do, do….
T-Pain: You know what man? Ya’ll boys might be right. I think I’m gonna do a song with him too.
Ludacris: I told you! Did I not tell you?!
Ted Jankaloff: All right. He gets all the publishing?
T-Pain: That’s all right. We good.
Ted Jankaloff: Yeah!![New York Times headline newspaper. T-Pain unveils new song. Gets beat up by fans.] [cheers and applause] [fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel