Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 9
[ open on woman standing in her bathroom, brushing her hair. She stops to address the camera” ]
Karen: [ with a lisp ] Oh, hi! My name’s Karen Segal, and I’m gonna bet you $100 you can’t tell I have something on my teeth! [ she smiles, making it obvious that she is wearing some sort of greyish retainer ] How am I so sure? [ she holds up the product box ] Because I’m wearing Clear Rite, the world’s first adult retainer that’s completely unnoticable![ she smacks her lips in an effort to adjust the retainer in her mouth ]
Karen: I’m like you — I want beautiful, straight teeth, but I don’t want metal in my mouth for everyone to see, or those so-called clear braces that are… [ she smacks her lips once more ] totally noticeable! Hey! Here comes my friend Tyler, who recently got those invisible braces!
Tyler: Hey, Karen!
Karen: Hey, Tyler! How are you liking those clear braces?
Tyler: Oh, what a waste of money! Everyone notices them right away!
Karen: I see what you mean! You should have gotten… [ she smacks her lips once more ] Clear-Rite!
Karen: Clear-Rite! [ she smacks her lips once more ] [ Tyler stares at her in disbelief ]
Karen: Bye, Tyler!
Tyler: Bye![ Tyler exits ]
Karen: Poor guy! Spent thousands of dollars to have an orthodontist put those in his teeth. Clear-Rite is affordable and absolutely undetectable! I promise you: if you want to fix your smile, you can do it without anyone… [ she smacks her lips once more ] I mean, ANYONE noticing! I can prove it! Here comes my friend Shannon — if she doesn’t notice Clear-Rite, nobody will![ Karen enters, brimming a wide, white smile ]
Shannon: Hey, Karen!
Karen: Hey, Shannon! Do you notice anything… [ she smacks her lips once more ] different about me?
Shannon: I’ve known you and seen you every day since we were three, and I don’t see anything different! What are you even talking about?!
Karen: Oh, nothing! [ she smacks her lips once more and gulps awkwardly as Shannon continues to smile brightly at her ] Bye, Shannon!
Shannon: Bye![ Shannon exits ]
Karen: Well, I better get going — my boyfriend’s gonna be here ANY minute!
Boyfriend V/O: Honey?
Karen: [ excited ] That’s him! Shhhh!! I won’t tell if you don’t![ Boyfriend enters ]
Boyfriend: Wow, honey! You look great!
Boyfriend: [ bluntly ] What’s that on your teeth? [ she cowers ] Seriously, what is that?
Karen: [ she smacks her lips once more, then holds the box up ] Clear-Rite! Try it today, and you’ll receive —
Boyfriend: Who are you talking to?
Karen: [ she puts the box down ] No one.
Boyfriend: [ he picks up the box ] Did you make this box? What’s Clear-Rite?
Karen: I invented it… and I was practicing to make a commercial.
Boyfriend: What’s it do?
Karen: Nothing, I guess. [ she smacks her lips once more ]
Boyfriend: What’s going on with you, Beth?
Karen: Karen. For the commercial.
Boyfriend: Who’s Karen?
Karen: Me. Beth.
Boyfriend: Okay. Maybe we should cancel our picnic.
Karen: [ she holds up the box ] Clear-Rite. Order now!
Boyfriend: [ he swats the box with his hand ] Okay, stop it!
Karen: It’s Karen. [ to the audience ] Call the number on your screen —
Boyfriend: There’s no number down there.
Karen: [ she smacks her lips once more ] Is it bad that I see one?
Boyfriend: It’s not good.
Karen: It’s okay to put… [ she smacks her lips once more ] super glue in your mouth, right?
Boyfriend: [ stunned ] Oh, no… did you?
Karen: [ she holds up the box ] Clear-Rite![ she smiles awkwardly, as the scene fades ]