SNL Transcripts: Tim McGraw: 11/22/08: Clear-Rite


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain


Karen/Beth…..Kristen Wiig
Tyler…..Fred Armisen
Shannon…..Michaela Watkins
Boyfriend…..Tim McGraw

[ open on woman standing in her bathroom, brushing her hair. She stops to address the camera” ]

Karen: [ with a lisp ] Oh, hi! My name’s Karen Segal, and I’m gonna bet you $100 you can’t tell I have something on my teeth! [ she smiles, making it obvious that she is wearing some sort of greyish retainer ] How am I so sure? [ she holds up the product box ] Because I’m wearing Clear Rite, the world’s first adult retainer that’s completely unnoticable!

[ she smacks her lips in an effort to adjust the retainer in her mouth ]

Karen: I’m like you — I want beautiful, straight teeth, but I don’t want metal in my mouth for everyone to see, or those so-called clear braces that are… [ she smacks her lips once more ] totally noticeable! Hey! Here comes my friend Tyler, who recently got those invisible braces!

[ Tyler enters, wearing invisible braces ]

Tyler: Hey, Karen!

Karen: Hey, Tyler! How are you liking those clear braces?

Tyler: Oh, what a waste of money! Everyone notices them right away!

Karen: I see what you mean! You should have gotten… [ she smacks her lips once more ] Clear-Rite!

Tyler: What?

Karen: Clear-Rite! [ she smacks her lips once more ] [ Tyler stares at her in disbelief ]

Karen: Bye, Tyler!

Tyler: Bye!

[ Tyler exits ]

Karen: Poor guy! Spent thousands of dollars to have an orthodontist put those in his teeth. Clear-Rite is affordable and absolutely undetectable! I promise you: if you want to fix your smile, you can do it without anyone… [ she smacks her lips once more ] I mean, ANYONE noticing! I can prove it! Here comes my friend Shannon — if she doesn’t notice Clear-Rite, nobody will!

[ Karen enters, brimming a wide, white smile ]

Shannon: Hey, Karen!

Karen: Hey, Shannon! Do you notice anything… [ she smacks her lips once more ] different about me?

Shannon: I’ve known you and seen you every day since we were three, and I don’t see anything different! What are you even talking about?!

Karen: Oh, nothing! [ she smacks her lips once more and gulps awkwardly as Shannon continues to smile brightly at her ] Bye, Shannon!

Shannon: Bye!

[ Shannon exits ]

Karen: Well, I better get going — my boyfriend’s gonna be here ANY minute!

Boyfriend V/O: Honey?

Karen: [ excited ] That’s him! Shhhh!! I won’t tell if you don’t!

[ Boyfriend enters ]

Boyfriend: Wow, honey! You look great!

Karen: Thanks!

Boyfriend: [ bluntly ] What’s that on your teeth? [ she cowers ] Seriously, what is that?

Karen: [ she smacks her lips once more, then holds the box up ] Clear-Rite! Try it today, and you’ll receive —

Boyfriend: Who are you talking to?

Karen: [ she puts the box down ] No one.

Boyfriend: [ he picks up the box ] Did you make this box? What’s Clear-Rite?

Karen: I invented it… and I was practicing to make a commercial.

Boyfriend: What’s it do?

Karen: Nothing, I guess. [ she smacks her lips once more ]

Boyfriend: What’s going on with you, Beth?

Karen: Karen. For the commercial.

Boyfriend: Who’s Karen?

Karen: Me. Beth.

Boyfriend: Okay. Maybe we should cancel our picnic.

Karen: [ she holds up the box ] Clear-Rite. Order now!

Boyfriend: [ he swats the box with his hand ] Okay, stop it!

Karen: It’s Karen. [ to the audience ] Call the number on your screen —

Boyfriend: There’s no number down there.

Karen: [ she smacks her lips once more ] Is it bad that I see one?

Boyfriend: It’s not good.

Karen: It’s okay to put… [ she smacks her lips once more ] super glue in your mouth, right?

Boyfriend: [ stunned ] Oh, no… did you?

Karen: [ she holds up the box ] Clear-Rite!

[ she smiles awkwardly, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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