Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 9
A Holiday Message From Jeff Montgomery
Jeff Montgomery….Will Forte
Guest 1….Casey Wilson
Guest 2….Fred Armisen
Guest 3….Abby Elliott
Guest 4….Bobby Moynihan
(Opens with a house at night. Cut to a group of people at the dinner table on Thanksgiving day)
Bob: ….and most of all, we like to thank you for the gift of family and friends because that´s truly the gift that keeps on giving. Amen.
Kathy: All right. Anybody hungry?
(Crazy ass Jeff Montgomery is at this table.)
Jeff Montgomery: Try yes. Please, pass the stuffing, the gravy, the peas and throw some turkey in there too. Hey, don´t call me turkey! You´re the turkey, turkey! Wha-a-at?! Seriously though, I´m starving.
Bob: So, uh, white meat or dark?
Jeff Montgomery: Uh, white meat or dark? Well, if you´re talking women, I´ll go dark. If we´re talking turkey, I´ll go Asian. Oh, oh, Asian bird flu! “Agent Bird flew where?” Flew to the hospital I hope. Wha-a-at?! Ha, ha, ha. Seriously though, I´ll have a bunch of both.
Bob: Ok, so uh, how do you know Kathy?
Jeff Montgomery: Who´s Kathy?
Kathy: I´m Kathy.
Jeff Montgomery: Well, its a pleasure to meet you.
Bob: Wait. I thought that you were here with Kathy.
Kathy: Wait. I thought he was your friend from work.
Jeff Montgomery: Ha! You´re both wrong! I´m not here with Kathy and I certainly don´t have a job.
(Jeff stuffs food down the front of his sweatshirt)
Bob: So, who exactly are you?
Jeff Montgomery: I´m Jeff Montgomery.
Bob: And Jeff, who are you here with?
Jeff Montgomery: Who am I not here with?!
Guest 1: Me.
Guest 2: Me.
Guest 3: Me.
Guest 4: Me.
Bob: And you´re not here with me. So it sounds like you´re really not here with anyone.
Jeff Montgomery: Bob, lighten up! Thanksgiving isn´t about questioning why people you don´t know are at your dinner table! You know, its about giving thanks. And I would like to say thank you for inviting me into your home.
Bob: See, that´s the thing, cause I don´t think anyone here invited you so I´m still unclear about how did you get in here.
Jeff Montgomery: Oh, come on, Bob! I mean, how did any of us get in here?
Guest 4: Door.
Guest 3: Door.
Guest 2: Door.
Guest 1: Door.
Jeff Montgomery: Window! See? We´re all in the same boat here! Now, let´s eat.
Bob: (dialing his cell) Ok, so I´m gonna call the cops. You just keep doing your thing and I´ll be right back.
Jeff Montgomery: Bob, Bob, Bob! Look, I´m sure there´s a very good explanation for why I´m here.
Bob: And that is?
Jeff Montgomery: Well, you know, I was going door to door, you know, trick or turkeying…
Kathy: Wait. Trick or turkeying?
Jeff Montgomery: Wait, you guys have never heard of trick or turkeying?
Guest 1: No.
Guest 2: No.
Guest 3: No.
Guest 4: No.
Jeff Montgomery: Yes, so about half of us have heard of it. So, ok, for those who haven´t, trick or turkeying is when you put on a costume and you go begging for scraps of turkey. You know, “trick or turkey”?
Bob: And what exactly is your costume?
Jeff Montgomery: I´m a man who recently escaped a mental institution.
Bob: Excuse me?
Jeff Montgomery: I´m an escaped mental patient. For Thanksgiving! And, you´ll love this, as part of my costume I had the police put out an APB that a Jeff Montgomery escaped from a mental institution and is considered extremely dangerous. That pretty great, huh? Anyway, where I´m from trick or turkeying is sort of a tradition.
Bob: And where are you from?
Jeff Montgomery: The Clarksville Mental Institution.
Bob: (into his cell) Ok, 911, I´d like to report an escaped mental patient.
Jeff Montgomery: Look, Bob, you´re missing the point here! The point is Thanksgiving spirit! That point is trick or turkey! The point is can I crash in your doghouse for a couple of months?
Kathy: And where is our dog supposed to live?
Jeff Montgomery: The same he´s been living for the past 8 hours. My stomach. (stunned silence at the table) This is gonna sound like a terrible segue but can I use your bathroom? This dog is racing through me like a greyhound. Happy Thanksgiving! Wha-a-a-t?!
(scene freezes on Jeff´s crazy face)
Announcer: This has been a holiday message from Jeff Montgomery.
Caption: From Jeff Montgomery. Happy Thanksgiving.
(cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel