SNL Transcripts: Tim McGraw: 11/22/08: A Holiday Message From Jeff Montgomery


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

A Holiday Message From Jeff Montgomery

Jeff Montgomery….Will Forte
Bob….Tim McGraw
Kathy….Kristen Wiig
Guest 1….Casey Wilson
Guest 2….Fred Armisen
Guest 3….Abby Elliott
Guest 4….Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with a house at night. Cut to a group of people at the dinner table on Thanksgiving day)

Bob: ….and most of all, we like to thank you for the gift of family and friends because that´s truly the gift that keeps on giving. Amen.

All: Amen.

Kathy: All right. Anybody hungry?

(Crazy ass Jeff Montgomery is at this table.)

Jeff Montgomery: Try yes. Please, pass the stuffing, the gravy, the peas and throw some turkey in there too. Hey, don´t call me turkey! You´re the turkey, turkey! Wha-a-at?! Seriously though, I´m starving.

Bob: So, uh, white meat or dark?

Jeff Montgomery: Uh, white meat or dark? Well, if you´re talking women, I´ll go dark. If we´re talking turkey, I´ll go Asian. Oh, oh, Asian bird flu! “Agent Bird flew where?” Flew to the hospital I hope. Wha-a-at?! Ha, ha, ha. Seriously though, I´ll have a bunch of both.

Bob: Ok, so uh, how do you know Kathy?

Jeff Montgomery: Who´s Kathy?

Kathy: I´m Kathy.

Jeff Montgomery: Well, its a pleasure to meet you.

Bob: Wait. I thought that you were here with Kathy.

Kathy: Wait. I thought he was your friend from work.

Jeff Montgomery: Ha! You´re both wrong! I´m not here with Kathy and I certainly don´t have a job.

(Jeff stuffs food down the front of his sweatshirt)

Bob: So, who exactly are you?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m Jeff Montgomery.

Bob: And Jeff, who are you here with?

Jeff Montgomery: Who am I not here with?!

Guest 1: Me.

Guest 2: Me.

Guest 3: Me.

Guest 4: Me.

Kathy: Me.

Bob: And you´re not here with me. So it sounds like you´re really not here with anyone.

Jeff Montgomery: Bob, lighten up! Thanksgiving isn´t about questioning why people you don´t know are at your dinner table! You know, its about giving thanks. And I would like to say thank you for inviting me into your home.

Bob: See, that´s the thing, cause I don´t think anyone here invited you so I´m still unclear about how did you get in here.

Jeff Montgomery: Oh, come on, Bob! I mean, how did any of us get in here?

Kathy: Door.

Guest 4: Door.

Guest 3: Door.

Guest 2: Door.

Guest 1: Door.

Jeff Montgomery: Window! See? We´re all in the same boat here! Now, let´s eat.

Bob: (dialing his cell) Ok, so I´m gonna call the cops. You just keep doing your thing and I´ll be right back.

Jeff Montgomery: Bob, Bob, Bob! Look, I´m sure there´s a very good explanation for why I´m here.

Bob: And that is?

Jeff Montgomery: Well, you know, I was going door to door, you know, trick or turkeying…

Kathy: Wait. Trick or turkeying?

Jeff Montgomery: Wait, you guys have never heard of trick or turkeying?

Guest 1: No.

Guest 2: No.

Guest 3: No.

Guest 4: No.

Kathy: No.

Jeff Montgomery: Yes, so about half of us have heard of it. So, ok, for those who haven´t, trick or turkeying is when you put on a costume and you go begging for scraps of turkey. You know, “trick or turkey”?

Bob: And what exactly is your costume?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m a man who recently escaped a mental institution.

Bob: Excuse me?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m an escaped mental patient. For Thanksgiving! And, you´ll love this, as part of my costume I had the police put out an APB that a Jeff Montgomery escaped from a mental institution and is considered extremely dangerous. That pretty great, huh? Anyway, where I´m from trick or turkeying is sort of a tradition.

Bob: And where are you from?

Jeff Montgomery: The Clarksville Mental Institution.

Bob: (into his cell) Ok, 911, I´d like to report an escaped mental patient.

Jeff Montgomery: Look, Bob, you´re missing the point here! The point is Thanksgiving spirit! That point is trick or turkey! The point is can I crash in your doghouse for a couple of months?

Kathy: And where is our dog supposed to live?

Jeff Montgomery: The same he´s been living for the past 8 hours. My stomach. (stunned silence at the table) This is gonna sound like a terrible segue but can I use your bathroom? This dog is racing through me like a greyhound. Happy Thanksgiving! Wha-a-a-t?!

(scene freezes on Jeff´s crazy face)

Announcer: This has been a holiday message from Jeff Montgomery.

Caption: From Jeff Montgomery. Happy Thanksgiving.


(cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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