Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 9
A Message From Rahm Emanuel
Rep. Rahm Emanuel…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: And now a message from White House Chief of Staff-Designate — Rahm Emanuel.
(Congressman RAHM EMANUEL sits on his desk with his hands folded.)
Rahm Emanuel: Hello, I’m Rahm Emanuel… one-time congressman of IllinoisFifth District and now White House Chief of Staff-Designate forPresident-Elect Barack Obama. I believe we are at the dawn of a great, newage in American politics and I am proud and excited to be apart of it. Atthe same time, I understand our country is facing great challenges.Challenges that are going to require both parties come together to findsolutions.
Now some on the right, such as Minority Leader John Boehner, havecriticized my appointment as being “hyper-partisan”. And have accused meof being prone to “bare-knuckle tactics” and “profanity-laced tirades” inthe past. Well, it is true my nickname is “Rahm-bo”, and it is also truemy brother Ari is the basis for Jeremy Piven’s character on “Entourage”, Iwant to assure you that I took this job for one reason only – to supportBarack Obama’s message of hope and change…
Although I should say, to anyone thinking about crossing me — I willF—ING end you! You will never even see it coming! One day you will behere and the next day you will be f—ing disappear.
And John Boehner!? You seriously want to f— with me!? You’re losingseats in Congress like it’s a game of f—ing musical chairs and you issuea press release about me!? You f—ing idiot! About me!? You pull thats–t to my face, Boehner, and I’ll send you back to Ohio in a f—ing box!
And that goes for Democrats as well as Republicans. You will get inf—ing line or I will personally stamp your ticket! None of your f—ingbulls— on my watch, Joe Lieberman! If it was up to me, we wouldn’t juststrip you of your chairmanship, we would strip you naked and make you WALKYOUR McCAIN LOVING ASS back to Connecticut. YOU F—KING TURNCOAT!
Don’t believe me… ask Howard F—ING Dean if I’m for real. He s—shimself when he hears me on the radio.
(Emanuel turns to his right to face the CAMERA and points his left hands.)
Rahm Emanuel: I’m sorry did you say something!?
(The CAMERA shakes back and forth.)
Rahm Emanuel: Are you f—ing sure!?
(The CAMERA nods.)
Rahm Emanuel: Yeah. You better be f—ing sure.
(Emanuel returns to face the MASTER CAMERA.)
Rahm Emanuel: Thank you for giving me the opportunity to address you tonight.And I look forward in the coming months to setting out on what I promiseto be an incredible journey. Seriously, it’s going to be f—ing amazing.
Submitted by: Cody Downs