SNL Transcripts: John Malkovich: 12/06/08


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 10

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

December 6th, 2008

John Malkovich



Jamie-Lynn Sigler

Molly Sims

Justin Timberlake

Swizz Beatz

Jorma Taccone

A Message from the Secretary of State DesignateSummary: Newly-appointed Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) swears she doesn’t hold a grudge against Barack Obama for getting to be president.

Note: Amy Poehler returns from maternity leave.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton.



John Malkovich’s MonologueSummary: John Malkovich reads “The Night Before Christmas” to a group of crew members’ children, but keeps interrupting the story to educate them about the real story behind the traditional tale.

First Hosted: 88j.


Gas RightSummary: Bruce Johnson (Fred Armisen), the inventor of Breathe-Right, has stayed up late to create a sequel product that controls the flow of farts between one’s butt cheeks.

ShanaSummary: Office workers (Will Forte, Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson) are enamored by new girl Shana (Kristen Wiig), who possesses great sex appeal until she walks and talks.

Cool ObamaSummary: Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) points out just how cool he is.

Recurring Characters: Barack Obama.


La Rivista Della TelevisioneSummary: Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews John Malkovich and shows a clip from his sex film “Being Vinny Vedecci”.

Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci, crew members.


Virgania Horsen’s Pony ExpressSummary: Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) offers an alternative to traditional mail services that could be under terrorist attack.

Recurring Characters: Virgania Horsen.


TwinsSummary: All twin brothers Aiden (John Malkovich) and Paul (Fred Armisen) want for Christmas is a calculator.


T.I. performs “Whatever You Like”

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Plaxico Burress (Kenan Thompson) gives gun-carrying tips, then accidentlaly shoots himself again. 9-year old David Rasmussen (Andy Samberg) offers tips on how to meet girls. Boy George (Fred Armisen) doesn’t see anything wrong with his recent crime arrest.

Recurring Characters: Boy George.

The Lost Works of Judy BlumeSummary: Awkward teenager Gertie (John Malkovich) harbors a secret she hopes won’t be revealed at a slumber party.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg sings about “Jizz In My Pants”.


T.I. & Swizz Beatz perform “Swing Ya Rag”

J’accuziSummary: John Malkovich stars in a version of “Dangerous Liasions” that is set in a jacuzzi.




SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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