Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 10
The Calculator
Dad….Bill Hader
Mom….Casey Wilson
Glenn….Andy Samberg
Twin 1….Fred Armisen
Twin 2….John Malkovich
(Opens with a house decorated for Christmas at night. Cut to the living room, there´s a Christmas tree, Mom and Dad are decorating. Son Glenn joins them)
Glenn: Hey, mom, dad. Everything looks great.
Mom: Well, look how nice you look Glenn.
Glenn: Oh, thanks, mom. I´m wearing dad´s tie.
Dad: Hey, just don´t come around telling me you´re wearing my boxer shorts.
(They share a hearty laugh)
Mom: Now, where are the twins?
Glenn: They´re still upstairs. They´re super excited.
Mom: Ah, you know, those 2 will not stop talking about what they want for Christmas.
Dad: Tell me about it.
(The dorky twins appear wearing matching sweaters)
Mom: Merry Christmas boys.
Twin 1: Ma.
Twin 2: Ma.
Twin 1: Did you get us a calculator?
Twin 2: Are we getting a calculator?
Mom: (playfully) I´m not telling you. You´ll have to wait.
Twin 2: Glen, guess what we´re getting for Christmas?
Twin 1: Yes, yes. A calculator!
Twin 2: We´re getting a calculator!
Glenn: Yeah, that´s great.
Twin 1: Do you have any idea how fast we´re gonna do math problems?
Twin 2: Square roots!
Twin 1: Lighting speed.
Twin 2: We´re getting a state of the art calculator by Texas Instruments.
Dad: (playfully) Guys, we don´t know what you´re getting. Nobody promised you anything, OK?
Twin 1: Da-a-ad! Come on, who you kidding´? We didn´t ask for anything else.
Twin 2: When we went to Macy´s, I saw you ask the guy at the counter in front of the calculators!
Mom: OK, enough. Now who wants to help me get this stockings up?
Glenn: I´ll do it.
Twin 1: Yes, so, ma, ma, ma…
Both twins: Ma!
Twin 1: Are we gonna get a calculator?
Twin 2: That´s all we want, ma.
Twin 1: I´m gonna add so many numbers together!
Twin 2: I´m gonna keep dividing numbers until there´s like 50 numbers after the decimal!
Glenn: Why don´t you use the calculator in your computer?
Twin 1: Shut up, Glenn!
Twin 2: Nobody cares what you think! Is it almost midnight?
Mom: It is a minute past midnight. Time to open up presents.
Dad: All right, here we go.
Twin 2: We´re gonna get a calculator!
Twin 1: Calculator!
Twin 2: Calculator!
Dad: (picks up gift wrapped box from under the tree) This box is for Glenn.
Glenn: Aw, man…
Twin 2: We´re gonna get a calculator. That´s what we´re gonna get.
Glenn: (opens present) Oh, no way! Nintendo Wii!
Dad: That´s right. Good going. Enjoy it, Glenn.
Twin 2: We´re getting a calculator. I can feel it.
Glenn: Thanks, mom and dad. You guys are the best. (hugs them)
Mom: Awww…
Twin 1: Ma, ma…can we open up our presents now?
Dad: (gives them a gift wrapped box) Here you go. Now that´s for the both of you.
(The twins stare at the box dumbfounded. They sit, speechless)
Twin 1: God, to Paul and Aidan.
Twin 2: I´m gonna need freakout control.
Twin 1: (shakes box a little) So, this is about the size of a Texas Instruments A 100. I can feel it.
Twin 2: I´m gonna start crying.
Mom: Why don´t you just open it?
(The twins open the present up. Twin 2 holds a white calculator in his hand. They look at each other and freak out)
Both Twins: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Twin 1: Oh, my God!! We got a calculator!!
Twin 2: Its the best day, I ever had! Its a calculator! Finally, this…a calculator!!
Twin 1: Oh, my God!!
Twin 2: I can´t believe this!! Oh, ma! That´s unbelievable! ( gets up and gives hugs to Mom, Glenn and Dad)
Twin 1: Oh, my God! (gets up and hugs Mom, Glenn and Dad) Thanks you, ma!
(Twins sit back down)
Twin 2: A calculator!
Twin 1: Thank you! Oh, my God! Look, look (pointing at the calculator)…we own this now!! We own it! We can do anything we want!
Twin 2: Its a calculator!
Twin 1: Oh, my God! (hugs his twin by the neck and throws himself in the couch)
Twin 2: I´m never gonna forget this! Its a calculator!
Twin 1: Its ours!
Twin 2: Take a picture of this!
Glenn: Sometimes I can´t believe I´m related to them.
Mom: They´re pretty brilliant.
Dad: They certainly are.
Twin 1: Umm, do…umm, 89 X 56.
(Twin 2 presses buttons on calculator. Both twins look at the result)
Both Twins: WHOOOOAHHH!!
Twin 1: Do 17.5 divided by 374.
Twin 2: I´m gonna, whooooaa, I´m gonna try like 9, 9, 9, 9 times 0! (punches the buttons on the calculator, the twins look at the result)
Twin 1: All right, look.
Both Twins: WHOOOOOAAAHHHH!!!!! WHOOOO!!!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(FADE)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
