SNL Transcripts: John Malkovich: 12/06/08: The Calculator


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

The Calculator

Dad….Bill Hader
Mom….Casey Wilson
Glenn….Andy Samberg
Twin 1….Fred Armisen
Twin 2….John Malkovich

(Opens with a house decorated for Christmas at night. Cut to the living room, there´s a Christmas tree, Mom and Dad are decorating. Son Glenn joins them)

Glenn: Hey, mom, dad. Everything looks great.

Mom: Well, look how nice you look Glenn.

Glenn: Oh, thanks, mom. I´m wearing dad´s tie.

Dad: Hey, just don´t come around telling me you´re wearing my boxer shorts.

(They share a hearty laugh)

Mom: Now, where are the twins?

Glenn: They´re still upstairs. They´re super excited.

Mom: Ah, you know, those 2 will not stop talking about what they want for Christmas.

Dad: Tell me about it.

(The dorky twins appear wearing matching sweaters)

Mom: Merry Christmas boys.

Twin 1: Ma.

Twin 2: Ma.

Twin 1: Did you get us a calculator?

Twin 2: Are we getting a calculator?

Mom: (playfully) I´m not telling you. You´ll have to wait.

Twin 2: Glen, guess what we´re getting for Christmas?

Twin 1: Yes, yes. A calculator!

Twin 2: We´re getting a calculator!

Glenn: Yeah, that´s great.

Twin 1: Do you have any idea how fast we´re gonna do math problems?

Twin 2: Square roots!

Twin 1: Lighting speed.

Twin 2: We´re getting a state of the art calculator by Texas Instruments.

Dad: (playfully) Guys, we don´t know what you´re getting. Nobody promised you anything, OK?

Twin 1: Da-a-ad! Come on, who you kidding´? We didn´t ask for anything else.

Twin 2: When we went to Macy´s, I saw you ask the guy at the counter in front of the calculators!

Mom: OK, enough. Now who wants to help me get this stockings up?

Glenn: I´ll do it.

Twin 1: Yes, so, ma, ma, ma…

Both twins: Ma!

Twin 1: Are we gonna get a calculator?

Twin 2: That´s all we want, ma.

Twin 1: I´m gonna add so many numbers together!

Twin 2: I´m gonna keep dividing numbers until there´s like 50 numbers after the decimal!

Glenn: Why don´t you use the calculator in your computer?

Twin 1: Shut up, Glenn!

Twin 2: Nobody cares what you think! Is it almost midnight?

Mom: It is a minute past midnight. Time to open up presents.

Dad: All right, here we go.

Twin 2: We´re gonna get a calculator!

Twin 1: Calculator!

Twin 2: Calculator!

Dad: (picks up gift wrapped box from under the tree) This box is for Glenn.

Glenn: Aw, man…

Twin 2: We´re gonna get a calculator. That´s what we´re gonna get.

Glenn: (opens present) Oh, no way! Nintendo Wii!

Dad: That´s right. Good going. Enjoy it, Glenn.

Twin 2: We´re getting a calculator. I can feel it.

Glenn: Thanks, mom and dad. You guys are the best. (hugs them)

Mom: Awww…

Twin 1: Ma, ma…can we open up our presents now?

Dad: (gives them a gift wrapped box) Here you go. Now that´s for the both of you.

(The twins stare at the box dumbfounded. They sit, speechless)

Twin 1: God, to Paul and Aidan.

Twin 2: I´m gonna need freakout control.

Twin 1: (shakes box a little) So, this is about the size of a Texas Instruments A 100. I can feel it.

Twin 2: I´m gonna start crying.

Mom: Why don´t you just open it?

(The twins open the present up. Twin 2 holds a white calculator in his hand. They look at each other and freak out)


Twin 1: Oh, my God!! We got a calculator!!

Twin 2: Its the best day, I ever had! Its a calculator! Finally, this…a calculator!!

Twin 1: Oh, my God!!

Twin 2: I can´t believe this!! Oh, ma! That´s unbelievable! ( gets up and gives hugs to Mom, Glenn and Dad)

Twin 1: Oh, my God! (gets up and hugs Mom, Glenn and Dad) Thanks you, ma!

(Twins sit back down)

Twin 2: A calculator!

Twin 1: Thank you! Oh, my God! Look, look (pointing at the calculator)…we own this now!! We own it! We can do anything we want!

Twin 2: Its a calculator!

Twin 1: Oh, my God! (hugs his twin by the neck and throws himself in the couch)

Twin 2: I´m never gonna forget this! Its a calculator!

Twin 1: Its ours!

Twin 2: Take a picture of this!

Glenn: Sometimes I can´t believe I´m related to them.

Mom: They´re pretty brilliant.

Dad: They certainly are.

Twin 1: Umm, do…umm, 89 X 56.

(Twin 2 presses buttons on calculator. Both twins look at the result)

Both Twins: WHOOOOAHHH!!

Twin 1: Do 17.5 divided by 374.

Twin 2: I´m gonna, whooooaa, I´m gonna try like 9, 9, 9, 9 times 0! (punches the buttons on the calculator, the twins look at the result)

Twin 1: All right, look.




Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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