Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 10
Himself/Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont…..John Malkovich
Madame Marie de Tourvel…..Kristen Wiig
Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil…..Michaela Watkins
Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny…..Andy Samberg
[ open on scrolling still imaes of John Malkovich ]
Announcer: John Malkovich. One of the greatest actors of stage and screen, is returning to Broadway to reprise one of his most famous roles: ??, from the 1988 film “Dangerous Liasions”. Except, this time, all the seduction, lust, and deception takes place in a hot tub.[ dissolve to theatrical poster ]
Announcer: Don’t miss John Malkovich, in… “J’accuzi”.[ dissolve to Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont and Madame Marie de Tourvel lounging a jaccuzzi ]
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: You see, within a week I shall have concluded my business.
Madame Marie de Tourvel: I see.
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Even so… [ he reaches across to her in the hot, steaming waters ] I’m not sure I’ll be able to bring myself to leave.
Madame Marie de Tourvel: Oh, please! [ she pushes him aside ] You must![ she attempts to swim away from de Valmont and climb out of the jaccuzzi, but he stops her ]
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Are you still so… anxious to be rid of me?
Madame Marie de Tourvel: You know the answer to that.[ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]
John Malkovich: “J’accuzzi” is, for me, a… re-imagining of the “Dangerous Liasons” story — and, by “re-imagining”, I mean scenes from the movie, but… this time they take place in a hot tub.
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Now! Yes, or no! It’s up to you, of course. I will merely confine myself to remarking that a NO will be regarded as a declaration of war! A single word is ALL that’s required!
Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil: Alright. War! [ she whips out a fan from below the water and begins to fan herself ] [ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]
John Malkovich: If you loved Glenn Close in the original… please call her and tell her that she should be in this production. The girl we have playing her part is not very good. None of the actors are. You would think people would want to work with an actor of my caliber, but it turns out the hot tub is a real deal-breaker.[ dissolve to Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont engaged in a swordfight duel with Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny, who promptly slays de Valmont to his final death ]
Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny: Fetch the surgeon!
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Will you do me one final request?
Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny: Of course.
Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Take… [ he holds up a stack of wet letters ] these letters. [ and, at that, he drowns beneath the water’s surface ] [ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]
John Malkovich: I know what you’re thinking. I thought up with the title, “J’accuzzi”, first, and then worked backwards to come up with the play. Well… congratulations, geniuses! You caught me! And, the point is, if you want to see me dressed as a French aristocrat, in a hot tub, without getting to know me socially… come see “J’accuzzi”!
Announcer: “J’accuzzi”. Now playing at the Wintergarden Theater. Tickets still available — all of them.[ fade ]