SNL Transcripts: John Malkovich: 12/06/08: Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express

Virgania Horsen…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Virgania Horsen standing in front of various green-screen images inside a post office ]

Virgania Horsen: Do you hate the post office? The long lines? The rude employees? The danger of terrorism?

[ cut to Virgania Horsen sitting on a pony in front of a green-screen image of a meadow ]

Virgania Horsen: Well, hey — why not give me your mail? I’ll deliver it!

[ cut to product card ]

Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express.

[ cut to images of Virgania on the horse jmp-cutting to the center of the screen ]

Virgania Horsen: Whoa-oa-oa-oa, horsie! Just give me your mail, and tell me where you want it to go!

[ cut to an image of Virgania Horsen bouncing around on horseback ]

Virgania Horsen: Whoa-oa! Whoa-oa!! We offer express mail!

[ cut to Virginia sitting on horsebak holding a stick and carrot in front of the pony’s face ]

Virgania Horsen: Looks like this mail’s gonna get there early.

[ cut to Virgania eating the carrot ]

Virgania Horsen: Or extra slow!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a UPS truck ]

Virgania Horsen: Yeah, right! No thanks!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a FedEx truck ]

Virgania Horsen: Bad ideas! Terrorists can stop that!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a US mail truck ]

Virgania Horsen: Don’t trust it!

[ cut to green-screen image of Virgania horsen on a baseball field, batting a parcel of mail into a mailbox on the next green-screen ]

Virgania Horsen: Home run!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen sitting horseback in front of the green-screen ]

Virgania Horsen: If you want to ride a horse with me, that’s fine, too. There’s plenty of room!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing next to her horse in a green-screen image, as she emerges dressed as a mailman in the invisible split-screen ]

Mailman: [ deep=voiced ] Hello, ma’am! Would you be able to help me deliver these letters to my mother for me?

Virgania Horsen: No problem! Right away!

Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] Also, would it be okay if I rode on that horse with you?

Virgania Horsen: That’d be just fine!

[ quick cuts of the two of them winking at the camera in close-up ] [ cut to Virgania Horsen on horseback ]

Virgania Horsen: With horses, you don’t need stamps. [ she swats an image of a stamp away ] You need stermps! [ reveal image of Virgania giving the thumbs-up on a stamp ] Which are stamps, but larger.

[ cut to Virgania Horsen on horseback, riding down a street and tossing mail ] [ cut to Virgania Horsen addressing camera ]

Virgania Horsen: Just send whatever you want delivered to:

Virgania Horsen
PO BOX 56425
Bloomington, ND

I’ll deliver for you!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing by a river in a green-screen image, as she emerges dressed as a lumberjack in the invisible split-screen ]

Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] Hey! Can you deliver this toaster to California?

Virgania Horsen: No problem!

Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] And this letter, too?

Virgania Horsen: I think I can handle it!

[ quick cuts of the two of them winking at the camera in close-up ] [ cut to product card ]

Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express.

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front of the meadow ]

Virgania Horsen: Come ride with me!!

[ fade ]

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