SNL Transcripts: John Malkovich: 12/06/08: Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10












08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express

Virgania Horsen…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Virgania Horsen standing in front of various green-screen images inside a post office ]

Virgania Horsen: Do you hate the post office? The long lines? The rude employees? The danger of terrorism?

[ cut to Virgania Horsen sitting on a pony in front of a green-screen image of a meadow ]

Virgania Horsen: Well, hey — why not give me your mail? I’ll deliver it!

[ cut to product card ]

Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express.

[ cut to images of Virgania on the horse jmp-cutting to the center of the screen ]

Virgania Horsen: Whoa-oa-oa-oa, horsie! Just give me your mail, and tell me where you want it to go!

[ cut to an image of Virgania Horsen bouncing around on horseback ]

Virgania Horsen: Whoa-oa! Whoa-oa!! We offer express mail!

[ cut to Virginia sitting on horsebak holding a stick and carrot in front of the pony’s face ]

Virgania Horsen: Looks like this mail’s gonna get there early.

[ cut to Virgania eating the carrot ]

Virgania Horsen: Or extra slow!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a UPS truck ]

Virgania Horsen: Yeah, right! No thanks!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a FedEx truck ]

Virgania Horsen: Bad ideas! Terrorists can stop that!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen walking past a green-screen image of a US mail truck ]

Virgania Horsen: Don’t trust it!

[ cut to green-screen image of Virgania horsen on a baseball field, batting a parcel of mail into a mailbox on the next green-screen ]

Virgania Horsen: Home run!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen sitting horseback in front of the green-screen ]

Virgania Horsen: If you want to ride a horse with me, that’s fine, too. There’s plenty of room!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing next to her horse in a green-screen image, as she emerges dressed as a mailman in the invisible split-screen ]

Mailman: [ deep=voiced ] Hello, ma’am! Would you be able to help me deliver these letters to my mother for me?

Virgania Horsen: No problem! Right away!

Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] Also, would it be okay if I rode on that horse with you?

Virgania Horsen: That’d be just fine!

[ quick cuts of the two of them winking at the camera in close-up ] [ cut to Virgania Horsen on horseback ]

Virgania Horsen: With horses, you don’t need stamps. [ she swats an image of a stamp away ] You need stermps! [ reveal image of Virgania giving the thumbs-up on a stamp ] Which are stamps, but larger.

[ cut to Virgania Horsen on horseback, riding down a street and tossing mail ] [ cut to Virgania Horsen addressing camera ]

Virgania Horsen: Just send whatever you want delivered to:

Virgania Horsen
PO BOX 56425
Bloomington, ND

I’ll deliver for you!

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing by a river in a green-screen image, as she emerges dressed as a lumberjack in the invisible split-screen ]

Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] Hey! Can you deliver this toaster to California?

Virgania Horsen: No problem!

Mailman: [ deep-voiced ] And this letter, too?

Virgania Horsen: I think I can handle it!

[ quick cuts of the two of them winking at the camera in close-up ] [ cut to product card ]

Virgania Horsen: Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express.

[ cut to Virgania Horsen standing in front of the meadow ]

Virgania Horsen: Come ride with me!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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