SNL Transcripts: John Malkovich: 12/06/08: An SNL Digital Short


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Jorma Taccone
…..Molly Sims
…..Jamie Lynn-Sigler
…..Justin Timberlake

[ANDY SAMBERG and MOLLY SIMS make eye contact in a nightclub.]

Andy Samberg: [singing]“Locked eyes from across the room”
“Down my drink while the rythem booms”
“Take your hand and skip the names”
“No need here for the silly games”

[Andy and Molly are dancing in the club]

“Make our way through the smoke and crowd”
“Love is on the sky and I’m in your cloud”
“We move in close as the lasers fly”
“Our bodies touch and the angels cry”

[Andy and Molly are making out in a hallway]

“We leave this place and go back to yours”
“Our lips first touch outside your door”
“It the whole night we’ve got in store”
“Whisper in my ear that you want some more”

“And that’s when I jizz in my pants”
I won’t apologize that’s just absurd
“I’m not at fault for the way that you dance”
“And that’s when I jizz in my pants”

“Don’t tell your friends or I’ll say that you’re a slut”
“It was your fault that you were rubbing my butt”
I’m very sensative so I’ll say that’s a plus”
“Now I’ll go home and change.”

[JORMA TACCONE strolls through a grocery store.]

Jorma Taccone: [singing]“I need a few things from the grocery”
“A few things that come alone mostly”
“Left my heart broken not looking for love”

[Akiva Schaffer’s spinning LP’s on a turntable in the grocery store. JAMIELYNN-SIGLER checks out Jorma’s items at the register.]

“I had a suprise in my eyes when I looked above”
“At the checkout counter I saw her face”
“My heart stood still in time and space”
“Never thought I could be real again”

“The look in her eyes said ‘I need a friend'”
“She turned to me and that’s when I said it”
“Looked me dead in the face, asked ‘cash or credit'”
“And that’s when I jizzed in my pants”

“Don’t look there’s like there’s anything wrong with me”
“Though were going to need a clean-up on Aisle 3”

[The janitor, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, grimaces.]

Jorma Taccone: [singing]“Don’t look like you’re not impressed”
“To be fair you were flirting a lot”
“And the way you bag cans I was bubbling a knot”

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]“And I jizzed in my pants”

Jorma Taconne: [singing]“One more frown and I’m going to pay with check”

[Andy leaves a movie theater.]

Andy Samberg: [singing]“Last week I saw a film”
“As I recall it was a horror film”
“Walked outside into the rain”
“Checked my phone and saw you rang”

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]“And I jizzed in my pants”

[Jorma’s driving a convertible on the Upper West Side.]

Jorma Taccone: [singing]“Driving down the street, red lights flashing”
“Need to get away, need to make a dash”
“A song comes on that reminds me of you”

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]“And I jizzed in my pants”

Andy Samberg: [singing]“Today my alarm goes off”

[Andy wakes up from bed.]

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]“And I jizzed in my pants”

[Jorma opens a window.]

Jorma Taccone: [singing]“Open ed my window and a breeze rolls in”

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]“And I jizzed in my pants”

[Andy’s watching TV on his futon.]

Andy Samberg: [singing]“At the end of SIXTH SENSE”
“When Bruce Willis was dead”

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]“And I jizzed in my pants”

[Jorma holds a vine of grapes.]

Jorma Taccone: [singing]“I just ate a grape”

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]“And I jizzed in my pants”
“Jizzed in my pants”

[Andy and Jorma are performing outside.]

Andy Samberg: Alright guys, can we…

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]“I jizz my pants all the time”
“When you’re right next to me”
“And when were holding hands”
“It’s like you’re having sex with me”

“You say I’m premature”
“And I say it’s just like esctasy”
“And when it comes around”
“I feel it’s just a neccessity”

Andy Samberg & Jorma Taccone: [singing]“And I jizzed in my pants”

[Andy, Jorma, and Justin rap over and over on the chorus.]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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