Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 10
La Rivista della Televisione con Vinny Vedecci
Vinny Vedecci….Bill Hader
Show´s Director….Fred Armisen
Vinny´s Son….Bobby Moynihan
Chef Boyar G´s….Kenan Thompson, Andy Samberg
(Opens with Italy´s RAI TV logo)
Announcer: [speaks Italian] …La Rivista della Televisione e con Vinny Vedecci.
Vinny Vedecci: Regazze, regazze. Tempo de La Rivista della Televisione con mio! Vinny Vedecci![Cut to montage of American celebrities Don Johnson, Alf, Brian Austin Green intercut with Vinny in his white suit handsomely posing, throwing his jacket over his shoulder, in a heated debate and finally posing with a lit cigarette and winks at the camera] [Vinny sits and smokes at his table in his white suit, ashtray filled with smoked cigarettes]
Vinny Vedecci: Hey, hey! Caseando, caseando. Mio, Vinny Vedecci con eta noche. Isetaliano, eh, eh, cinema italiano, conoserando “In the Line of Fire”, “Rounders”, “The Changeling”, toro serebandes! John Malkovich!
(Vinny gets up and shakes hands with acclaimed actor/director John Malkovich, they sit down)
Vinny Vedecci: Eh, eh, John Malkovich, John Malkovich, John Malkovich, eh, eh, John Malkovich. Buono sera, John Malkovich. Posiento, dona mataros, pos setegando, sorabando, (John is lost, looks around) Sina e maracando?
John Malkovich: I´m sorry, I don´t…I hope is not a problem but I don´t speak Italian.
Vinny Vedecci: (blows air, head hangs low) Serabando! BANDO!! (angry Italian words towards the show´s director)
(Show´s director is sitting down next to the camera eating spaghetti and smoking at the same time. As usual his assistant next to him eats his spaghetti like nothing is happening)
Show´s Director: Tipar! lider lucci! que parla italiano, miachi!
Vinny Vedecci: Te parle? Italiano, italiano? Parle italiano? Excuse me, he says that you told him that you could speak Italian.
John Malkovich: No, that is patently untrue!
Show´s Director: (angry) Satuando dara suo boca!
John Malkovich: What is he saying?
Show´s Director: (angrier) Stucco! Per favore! Signore setarato eh? Per favore, signore!
Vinny Vedecci: He, he just said that he loved you in “Con Air”.
John Malkovich: Oh, thank you.
Show´s Director: (more angry Italian)
John Malkovich: That´s very nice. I´m sorry I lost my temper.
Vinny Vedecci: Ok, ok. “Being John Malkovich”, heh, heh, heh, yes, yes. Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich!
John Malkovich: Yes, that´s from the film, yes.
Vinny Vedecci: I can be John Malkovich.
John Malkovich: I´m sorry?
Vinny Vedecci: (affected voice) Hello, my name is John Malkovich.
John Malkovich: I don´t sound anything like that.
Vinny Vedecci: (affected voice) No, you sound exactly like this.
John Malkovich: No, I don´t.
Vinny Vedecci: (affected voice) Yes, yes you do. Yes, bande barando. (to his director) Doesn´t he sounds like this?
Show´s Director: Della cosa, John Malkovich.
Vinny Vedecci: Eh, eh, John Malkovich. Eh, John Malkovich, eh pffft! John Malkovich. In Italy there is similar film called “Being Vinny Vedecci”.
John Malkovich: Really?
Vinny Vedecci: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Roll clip, roll clip, roll clip.
(cut to Vinny smoking and walking into a room. Passionate moaning is heard. Vinny smiles and looks at an orgy taking place in the bed. The naked bodies are pixeled. Vinny looks at the camera)
Vinny Vedecci: Mande grazie!
(Vinny joins the orgy in bed, cut back to the studio)
Vinny Vedecci: (smiles proud) Eeeeh, eh, Vinny Vedecci, eh. What do you think, eh?
John Malkovich: Uh, I think its pornography.
Vinny Vedecci and the director: OWWWWW!!!!!
Vinny Vedecci: (upset) Bende, baratesito…!
Show´s Director: (angry) Cierto!, cierto! Per favore! Toti la grazie!
(John and the director get into a shouting match, talking over each other)
John Malkovich: There´s is a word in my language for your behavior! And the word is RUDE! That is a sex…that is a sex movie!!
Vinny Vedecci: Excuse me, excuse me. Sex movie?
John Malkovich: Yes!
Vinny Vedecci: Pornography….is sex movie?
John Malkovich: Yes!
Vinny Vedecci: (humble) Grazie, grazie, grazie.
Show´s Director: Grazie, signor.
(Vinny takes out a XXX dvd box set of “Being Vinny Vedecci”)
Vinny Vedecci: Vinny Vedecci is pornography, 20 hours, 8 discs!
(A little boy dressed in a sailor suit arrives)
Vinny´s Son: Papa!, Papa!
(the kid sits on Vinny´s lap)
Vinny Vedecci: Oh, it is my little boy, it is my little boy! I promised him he could ask you question about movie.
John Malkovich: Ok.
Vinny´s Son: Conola bocia de la fache….
Vinny Vedecci: No, no, no. Ask him in English, ask him in English. Go, go, go.
(the kid sits on Malkovich´s lap, pinches his cheeks)
Vinny´s Son: Grazie, grazie. How do they make you face goes big on the wall and when the popcorn and the coming truck and butter and the same truck and why and how and how.
(kid pinches Malkovich´s cheeks again)
John Malkovich: Well, that, that´s a lot to answer.
(kid wails, crying)
Vinny´s Son: Buuaaaa!!!
Vinny Vedecci: Oh, he´s so sensitive, he´s so sensitive. Oh, oh, oh.
(Vinny gives the kid a cigarette, lights it for him. Kid calms down)
Vinny´s Son: Grazie, grazie. (blows smoke)
Vinny Vedecci: Go, go, go. Oh, well, well. That´s all the time we have. My apologies to Chef Boyar “G´s”.
(cut to a rap duo dressed like Chef Boyardee, gold medallion, big clocks. They wave it off like its cool)
Vinny Vedecci: Thank you to my guest John Malkovich. Arrivederci, arrivedercci! Oh, hey, hey.
(Vinny´s son spits out his lit cigarette and Vinny gives him another, lights it for him. Malkovich is speechless)
Caption: La Rivista della Televisione con Vinny Vedecci
(cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel