SNL Transcripts: Hugh Laurie: 12/13/08: Sarcastic Christmas Dinner



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 11




08k: Hugh Laurie / Kanye West

Sarcastic Christmas Dinner

Nancy….Casey Wilson
Judith….Kristen Wiig
Phil….Jason Sudeikis
Hugh….Hugh Laurie
Will….Will Forte

(Opens with a shot of a house decorated for Christmas. It is snowing. Cut to a family dinner. There is a tense, miserable atmosphere while they eat in silence)

Nancy: Anyone want another crescent roll? (lifts up basket) Phil? Crescent roll?

Phil: (annoyed he holds up 2 crescent rolls) Look, look.

Hugh: Nancy, stop it.

Nancy: Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok.

Judith: Looks like we´re getting a lot of snow tonight.

Will: (offended) What?!

Phil: (dripping sarcasm) Wow, wow!

Nancy: Weather girl over here!

Hugh: (sarcastic) Snow?

Phil: Al Roker, thank you. Who´s 100?

Will: (angry) That´s some helpful information. That is really nice. What´s it gonna be in a week? Is it gonna rain?!

(Judith gets up from the table)

Phil: Judith!! Judith!! Sit DOWN!!!

Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!

Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!

Will: SIT DOWN!!!

Phil: Sit down!! Sit down!!

(Judith sits down angrily. Silence)

Nancy: Is anyone ready for dessert?

Hugh: (angry) Well, let see! Scalloped potatoes still on my plate! Green beans still on my plate! Honey baked ham still on my plate! So I´d say no! I´m still eating.

Nancy: So, no?

Hugh: No.

Nancy: No? No?

Judith: He said no.

Nancy: I heard him, I heard him.

(Hateful looks go back and forth between the family members)

Will: Wow, I´ve never had potatoes like this before.

Nancy: (offended) No, uh-uh, uh-uh. It was a tone, it was a tone.

Will: What did I say?!

Phil: (uncomfortable to Hugh) Can you please move over a little?!

Hugh: No, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh… no!

(That talk over each other, a cacophony of “No”´s and “uh-uh”´s)

(Judith has enough. She gets up from the table to leave and the family explodes on her once more)

Phil: JUDITH!! JUDITH!! SIT DOWN!! SIT DOWN!!

Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!

Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!

Will: SIT DOWN!!!

(Judith sits down enraged. Silence)

Nancy: Anyone need more wine?

(Everyone raises their glasses hungrily for wine)

Will: Yes!

Hugh: Yes!

Judith: Yes!

Phil: Yes! Red wine, please!

Hugh: (drinks) Ah, mother´s milk.

Phil: Oh, shut up! Shut up!

Hugh: What?! What?! What?! I say it once a year! Once a year!

Nancy: You know what?! F Christmas! F you! F you! F you! F you, Judith!

Judith: Oh, F you too. (Judith gets up from the table again)

Phil: Judith!! SIT DOWN!! SIT DOWN!!!

Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!

Will: SIT DOWN!!! SIT DOWN!!!

Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!

Phil: SIT YOUR BUTT DOWN!!!

(Judith sits down fuming)

Nancy: Another Christmas is ruined! You know, this is worse than the cruise! Merry F´ing Christmas! YOU KNOW WHAT?!

Hugh: DAMN I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IT!!!!

(Silence. Hugh gets up and stares out the window)

Hugh: (sweetly) Silent night….holy night….all is calm…

Nancy and Judith: All is calm….

Hugh: All is bright….

Nancy and Judith: All is bright….

(Everyone stands up and hug one another while they sing with love)

Everyone: Round yon virgin, mother and child….holy infant, so tender and mild…sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.

Hugh: (angry) Ok, I wanted to sing the piece on my own!

(Family resume angry fighting, Judith finally leaves the table and the family call angrily after her)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *