SNL Transcripts: Hugh Laurie: 12/13/08: Sarcastic Christmas Dinner



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 11




08k: Hugh Laurie / Kanye West

Sarcastic Christmas Dinner

Nancy….Casey Wilson
Judith….Kristen Wiig
Phil….Jason Sudeikis
Hugh….Hugh Laurie
Will….Will Forte

(Opens with a shot of a house decorated for Christmas. It is snowing. Cut to a family dinner. There is a tense, miserable atmosphere while they eat in silence)

Nancy: Anyone want another crescent roll? (lifts up basket) Phil? Crescent roll?

Phil: (annoyed he holds up 2 crescent rolls) Look, look.

Hugh: Nancy, stop it.

Nancy: Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok.

Judith: Looks like we´re getting a lot of snow tonight.

Will: (offended) What?!

Phil: (dripping sarcasm) Wow, wow!

Nancy: Weather girl over here!

Hugh: (sarcastic) Snow?

Phil: Al Roker, thank you. Who´s 100?

Will: (angry) That´s some helpful information. That is really nice. What´s it gonna be in a week? Is it gonna rain?!

(Judith gets up from the table)

Phil: Judith!! Judith!! Sit DOWN!!!

Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!

Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!

Will: SIT DOWN!!!

Phil: Sit down!! Sit down!!

(Judith sits down angrily. Silence)

Nancy: Is anyone ready for dessert?

Hugh: (angry) Well, let see! Scalloped potatoes still on my plate! Green beans still on my plate! Honey baked ham still on my plate! So I´d say no! I´m still eating.

Nancy: So, no?

Hugh: No.

Nancy: No? No?

Judith: He said no.

Nancy: I heard him, I heard him.

(Hateful looks go back and forth between the family members)

Will: Wow, I´ve never had potatoes like this before.

Nancy: (offended) No, uh-uh, uh-uh. It was a tone, it was a tone.

Will: What did I say?!

Phil: (uncomfortable to Hugh) Can you please move over a little?!

Hugh: No, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh… no!

(That talk over each other, a cacophony of “No”´s and “uh-uh”´s)

(Judith has enough. She gets up from the table to leave and the family explodes on her once more)

Phil: JUDITH!! JUDITH!! SIT DOWN!! SIT DOWN!!

Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!

Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!

Will: SIT DOWN!!!

(Judith sits down enraged. Silence)

Nancy: Anyone need more wine?

(Everyone raises their glasses hungrily for wine)

Will: Yes!

Hugh: Yes!

Judith: Yes!

Phil: Yes! Red wine, please!

Hugh: (drinks) Ah, mother´s milk.

Phil: Oh, shut up! Shut up!

Hugh: What?! What?! What?! I say it once a year! Once a year!

Nancy: You know what?! F Christmas! F you! F you! F you! F you, Judith!

Judith: Oh, F you too. (Judith gets up from the table again)

Phil: Judith!! SIT DOWN!! SIT DOWN!!!

Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!

Will: SIT DOWN!!! SIT DOWN!!!

Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!

Phil: SIT YOUR BUTT DOWN!!!

(Judith sits down fuming)

Nancy: Another Christmas is ruined! You know, this is worse than the cruise! Merry F´ing Christmas! YOU KNOW WHAT?!

Hugh: DAMN I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IT!!!!

(Silence. Hugh gets up and stares out the window)

Hugh: (sweetly) Silent night….holy night….all is calm…

Nancy and Judith: All is calm….

Hugh: All is bright….

Nancy and Judith: All is bright….

(Everyone stands up and hug one another while they sing with love)

Everyone: Round yon virgin, mother and child….holy infant, so tender and mild…sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.

Hugh: (angry) Ok, I wanted to sing the piece on my own!

(Family resume angry fighting, Judith finally leaves the table and the family call angrily after her)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of