Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 11
Sarcastic Christmas Dinner
Nancy….Casey Wilson
Judith….Kristen Wiig
Phil….Jason Sudeikis
Hugh….Hugh Laurie
Will….Will Forte
(Opens with a shot of a house decorated for Christmas. It is snowing. Cut to a family dinner. There is a tense, miserable atmosphere while they eat in silence)
Nancy: Anyone want another crescent roll? (lifts up basket) Phil? Crescent roll?
Phil: (annoyed he holds up 2 crescent rolls) Look, look.
Hugh: Nancy, stop it.
Nancy: Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok.
Judith: Looks like we´re getting a lot of snow tonight.
Will: (offended) What?!
Phil: (dripping sarcasm) Wow, wow!
Nancy: Weather girl over here!
Hugh: (sarcastic) Snow?
Phil: Al Roker, thank you. Who´s 100?
Will: (angry) That´s some helpful information. That is really nice. What´s it gonna be in a week? Is it gonna rain?!
(Judith gets up from the table)
Phil: Judith!! Judith!! Sit DOWN!!!
Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!
Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!
Will: SIT DOWN!!!
Phil: Sit down!! Sit down!!
(Judith sits down angrily. Silence)
Nancy: Is anyone ready for dessert?
Hugh: (angry) Well, let see! Scalloped potatoes still on my plate! Green beans still on my plate! Honey baked ham still on my plate! So I´d say no! I´m still eating.
Nancy: So, no?
Hugh: No.
Nancy: No? No?
Judith: He said no.
Nancy: I heard him, I heard him.
(Hateful looks go back and forth between the family members)
Will: Wow, I´ve never had potatoes like this before.
Nancy: (offended) No, uh-uh, uh-uh. It was a tone, it was a tone.
Will: What did I say?!
Phil: (uncomfortable to Hugh) Can you please move over a little?!
Hugh: No, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh… no!
(That talk over each other, a cacophony of “No”´s and “uh-uh”´s)
(Judith has enough. She gets up from the table to leave and the family explodes on her once more)
Phil: JUDITH!! JUDITH!! SIT DOWN!! SIT DOWN!!
Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!
Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!
Will: SIT DOWN!!!
(Judith sits down enraged. Silence)
Nancy: Anyone need more wine?
(Everyone raises their glasses hungrily for wine)
Will: Yes!
Hugh: Yes!
Judith: Yes!
Phil: Yes! Red wine, please!
Hugh: (drinks) Ah, mother´s milk.
Phil: Oh, shut up! Shut up!
Hugh: What?! What?! What?! I say it once a year! Once a year!
Nancy: You know what?! F Christmas! F you! F you! F you! F you, Judith!
Judith: Oh, F you too. (Judith gets up from the table again)
Phil: Judith!! SIT DOWN!! SIT DOWN!!!
Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!
Will: SIT DOWN!!! SIT DOWN!!!
Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!
Phil: SIT YOUR BUTT DOWN!!!
(Judith sits down fuming)
Nancy: Another Christmas is ruined! You know, this is worse than the cruise! Merry F´ing Christmas! YOU KNOW WHAT?!
Hugh: DAMN I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IT!!!!
(Silence. Hugh gets up and stares out the window)
Hugh: (sweetly) Silent night….holy night….all is calm…
Nancy and Judith: All is calm….
Hugh: All is bright….
Nancy and Judith: All is bright….
(Everyone stands up and hug one another while they sing with love)
Everyone: Round yon virgin, mother and child….holy infant, so tender and mild…sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.
Hugh: (angry) Ok, I wanted to sing the piece on my own!
(Family resume angry fighting, Judith finally leaves the table and the family call angrily after her)
(cheers and applause)
(fade)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
