Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 11
Hugh Laurie’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Hugh Laurie!
Hugh Laurie: Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, boys and girls… Sweetcheeks, thank you so much. You know, it’s wonderful to be back here, uh, on the show. It’s also wonderful to be back in the great city of New York. Especially — I have to tell you — at this time of year, because New York, at Christmas, is truly a magical place. Uhhh — on Thursday, for example, I had an amazing Christmas-y experience here in New York. It was straight out of Charles Dickens — I had my pocket picked. Um, this little chap grabbed my wallet and he disappeared into the crowd. I tried following him, but, uh, weirdly, the crowd started doing this very complicated dance routine. So… I lost him. That’s a sort of “Oliver Twist” joke — never mind! It was a nuisance because the wallet had, you know, the driver’s license, credit cards… and $65,000 in cash. I just pray that I’m covered.
Uhhh — besides being the Christmas show, this is also, of course, the last show of 2008. [ the audience applauds ] And what an amazing year it’s been. On the plus side: you’ve had the most exciting election in the history of American politics. [ the audience screams and cheers ] Of course, on the minus side: everything else. In fact, I suppose, for half of you, even the election was a bit of a downer.
Um… you know, but let’s put all of that behind us, because… this is a time for giving. And, in the spirit of giving, I asked if I could give, tonight, each member of the audience… a present. [ the audience cheers their approval ] A little bit like Oprah. Not too much. Uhh — and they said NO! They just said NO! I sid, “Uhhh, not even a tiny, cheap one?” And they said NO! And I said, “Well, then what about one nice one? To just one member of the audience?” They said NO! I said, “What –?” And they said, “SHUT UP!” And they said, “You can give ONE tiny, cheap one… to one member of the audience.” [ the audience cheers as a stagehand brings a huge gift-wrapped bag to Laurie ] So, on behalf of “Saturday Night Live”, I would like to give… [ reaches into bag, pulls out tiny object ] this chapstick… to uh… [ looks among the audience ] to… you, Madam. [ he hands the chapstick to a woman in the audience ] So… it’s hardly used… A very Merry Christmas to you.
Woman: Thank you!
Hugh Laurie: Could you give me the bow back, please?[ he pulls the bow off the chapstick and deposits it back into the gift bag ]
Never mind the recession. Christmas is Christmas! [ he grabs a microphone ] Alright? We must embrace the joy of the season. So, with your kind indulgence… I would like to begin the show — as I like to begin every show that I’m hosting this evening — with a medley of classic Christmas songs. [ the audience cheers ] No, wait — there’s a catch. I should explain — uh — that if you sing more that three seconds of any song… you have to pay royalties on the whole thing. Uh — yeah. Anyway, here it is. Merry Christmas![singing ]
“I’m dreaming of a white Chri–
You’ll never find shee–
Rudolph the Red–
So this is Christma–
The weather outside–
Bom ba ba bom bom–
I’m gonna make you–
Chestnutssss.”[ he shrugs ]
We have a great show tonight! T.I. is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!