Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 11
Aunt Jonie….Michaela Watkins
David Culhane….Andy Samberg
Tina Culhane….Abby Elliott
Bob Kemp….Hugh Laurie
Friend of a cousin….Will Forte
Obnoxious guy….Bobby Moynihan
(Opens with a sign announcing a wedding. Banquet Hall B. Culhane Wedding. Cut to the wedding. A 50 ish woman with thick eyeglasses makes a toast to the newly married couple Tina and David)
Aunt Jonie: (mic in hand) …and I know you just think of me as your crazy aunt Jonie, heh! But I just, I just wanna say that David and Tina, I´m so happy that you have found each other because you deserve nothing but happiness. And I love you guys. (raises glass)
(Emcee is a young guy in a tuxedo)
Emcee: (gets the mic back) That´s very nice. Very, very nice. All right, we have had a long, long night of toasts that seems like everyone had something to say, tonight. But we´re gonna move on and now its time to get up and boogie. So we´re gonna– (a man with unkempt hair and a cheap suit whispers on the emcee´s ear) Oh, what did you say? (more whispering) Absolutely, sure. Yes, ok, one last toast. Final toast, here we go.
(Emcee gives the mic to Bob)
Bob Kemp: I´m sure a lot of you know me. I´m Bob Kemp. I have been friends with Tina´s dad for, uh, how long has it been? Gus? How long has it been? Nick? How long has it been? How long has it been? Steven? Kevin? How long has it been? How long has it been? I´ll be back.
(gives mic to the emcee)
Emcee: Ok, all right. That was great. Ok,(a young long-haired dude steps up to the emcee) Last toast, last toast.(gives the guy the mic)
Ex-boyfriend: Yeah. So, Tina look, we ended bad. Yes, that´s right, ex-boyfriend to the bride at the wedding! Congratulations. David seems to have a lot of money. You know, uh, Tina I was thinking about the last time we had sex. Something wasn´t right. I don´t mean physically, physically… physically was great. (newlyweds are uncomfortable) So passionate, so glorious, so inventive. It was always great. We never had a problem in that department. But we´ve all moved on. I moved on and sure I still think about you when I make love and I´m sure you do too. So, uh, have fun.
(Ex gives mic back to emcee)
Emcee: Ok, great. There we go, wow, ok so…the toasts are now officially—(a woman with an oxygen tank and tubes down her nose goes to the emcee) Hi.
(emcee gives her the mic)
Gayle: Hey. (breaths heavy into the mic) My name is Gayle. The boss of the groom. I was not invited to this wedding and I do not have a ride home. In fact if anyone has a car that will fit me and my oxygen tank, we´re in business. Ugh, I have to pee so bad! I gotta end this speech now.
(hands back mic to emcee)
Emcee: Ok, great. All right, ok, thank you Gayle. Ok, so now its time to go dancing…(Bob comes back) Yeah, ok sure. This is it. No more after this. (emcee gives him the mic)
Bob Kemp: Ok, I think I figured it out. I believe Tina´s dad and me been friends for 32 years. I came to this number because I had a Corvette for 1967, 1968. Then I got a Datsun, I must´ve had that Datsun until…let´s say 1974. (emcee walks behind him desperate, hands in his head) Then came the Fiat, well anyway, I met Dave in between the Datsun and the Corvette. No, it was before the Corvette. Or was it the beetle? Ok, I´ll be back.
(Emcee gets the mic, losing patience)
Emcee: Ok, uh, all right. Thank you. Ok, now we only got 15 minutes left to dance…(a guy snatches the mic off the emcee´s hands)
Obnoxious guy: Wha-a-a-a-a-a-at?! (drops mic to the floor, causing feedback, walks away)
(emcee picks mic up)
Emcee: What the hell is that? Sorry about that. I don´t know who that is. (a guy with blond hair and silver sunglasses walks up to the emcee) Oh, (whispers to the guy) You´re killing me, you´re killing me. Ok, here we go. Final one.
(emcee gives him the mic)
Friend of a cousin: I´m a friend of a cousin. This is such a great, great time for love. Why wouldn´t it be? It´s winter time. Chestnuts are roasting as they say. Its also the dawn of a new political era. And I think a great mistake´s been made with this Obama. But love endures, love heals, love will help tamper the effects of putting a black man in Office. Love abides, love abides. To the two of you, a great couple. A great white couple. I wish you the best. I wish you put simply, love.
(emcee close by to end it)
Emcee: Love, love. All right.
(Bob gets the mic back. Emcee is furious with himself)
Bob Kemp: Ok, I got it, I got it. It was 27 years, cause I wasn´t factoring in my Dodge Aztec. Which reminded me that I had a Chrysler Le Baron at one point. Which when I look back at all the cars, it is probably the most reliable car I have ever owned. Yeah. So, here´s to the couple. From someone whose been married 7 times. Let me tell you. Keep your books separate.
(Emcee gets the mic back)
Emcee: Ok, great. Ok everybody. Get up now, we´re going over to the dance floor. Time to boogie.
(Gayle approaches the emcee)
Gayle: Can I say one more thing?
Emcee: No, no, no, no. Hit it, DJ!
(Techno music plays)
Gayle: There´s a BODY in the bathroom!!
(Gayle dances weakly, guests get ready to leave)
(cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel