Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 12
Phantom of the Opera…..Jason Sudeikis
Mark from Rent…..Neil Patrick Harris
Mr. Mistoffelees…..Bobby Moynihan
Music Man…..Bill Hader
Wicked Witch…..Michaela Watkins
Black Man…..Kenan Thompson
Little Orphan Annie…..Taylor Swift
Blue Man Group…..Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg, Will Forte
Chicago Ladies…..Kristen Wiig, Casey Wilson
Dude from Stomp…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on Broadway scenery ] [ newspaper headlines appear on the screen:
“BROADWAY TICKET SALES HIT NEW LOW”
“16 SHOWS TO CLOSE BY FEBRUARY”
“CURTAINS FOR BROADWAY?” ] [ dissolve to exterior, Sardi’s ] [ dissolve to interior, where a throng of Broadway characters sit in conference ]
Phantom of the Opera: Can we get settled down? Can we get settled down, please? Okay? [ the room quiets down ] As you know, Broadway is in trouble, and that’s why we’re all here. Now, you all know me — I am the Phantom of the Opera.
Mark: And I’m Mark from “Rent”, the Pulitzer Prize winning musical!
Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Unbelievable. Alright, look, guys — we know it’s bad out there, and we are ALL struggling!
Mark: Yeah, and some people are having a hard time paying “Rent”!
Phantom of the Opera: [ groaning ] Please. Don’t do that any more. Okay, first off: is everyone here?[ reveal the costumes characters in the room ]
Mark: Well, everyone except Jeremy Piven — but I don’t think he has a good excuse.
Phantom of the Opera: Ah, I don’t doubt it. Alright, well, that’s okay. Alright, we need everyone’s best ideas to save Broadway. Alright? So, let’s get started. [ looks into the crowd ] Yes. You.
Mr. Mistoffelees: [ singing ] “Meow, meow, meow, meow!” It is I, the magical Mr. Mistoffelees, and here’s my suggestion: [ he twirls ] We need to feel the wonder!
Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Oh, man… oh, you people from “Cats” think you’re so great, you know that? Seriously, you think you’re the Michael Jordan of Broadway.[ the room expresses their confusion ]
Phantom of the Opera: You guys don’t know who Michael Jordan is?! Guys, he was like the… the… Tommy Tune of basketball![ this analogy sparks an ounce of recognition ]
Phantom of the Opera: There you go… there you go. Yeah, that’s right… yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay, come on! Alright, guys, who’s next? [ he points ] Alright, what about you, Music Man?
Music Man: [ singing ] “We’ve… got… a… devil, a pickle, put them in two C’s!”
Phantom of the Opera: Uh-huh…
Music Man: [ singing ]“We’ve got to find real jobs, weeeeellll, we’ve… got… trouble!
Right here in New York City.
I’m talkin’ Trouble with a Capital T, that rhymes with C,
And that stands for…” CutCo Knives.
Now… just $49.95!
Phantom of the Opera: Okay. Stop! Stop, please! Professor, just stop!
Mark: Hey, for what it’s worth, those knives are amazing. They’re like the “Rent” of knives.
Phantom of the Opera: Ohhhh, cool it.
Wicked Witch: Hey! Can we just stop f-in’ around, okay? Because if “Wicked” closes, I have very limited job options! I mean, look at me!
Mark: Well… you’re green. Maybe you could be in “Shrek: The Musical”.
Wicked Witch: Wow. That’s racist.
Phantom of the Opera: No! No! That’s not racist!
Mark: That’s not racist, lady.
Phantom of the Opera: No, that’s enough! That’s enough, okay? And, for the record, Broadway is an inclusive place. No one… here is racist, okay? Moving on. [ he points ] Yes. You. From “The Color Purple”.
Black Guy: I’m sorry, I’m not “The Color Purple”.
Phantom of the Opera: Okay.
Mark: From “Bring in Da Noise, Bring in Da Funk”?
Black Guy: I — I wrote “Miss Saigon”.
Phantom of the Opera: Eeek! Okay. Uhhh — alright, alright, what’s your idea?
Black Guy: [ meekly ] Isn’t it time we revive “Miss Saigon”?
Puppeteer: Ugh! Are we almost done here?
Phantom of the Opera: What?! Why? Where do you have to be?
Puppeteer: I don’t have to be anywhere, but… [ in puppet voice ] “I need to get to my new job! I give massages behind a Thai place on the Lower East Side! With my mouth!”
Phantom of the Opera: Okay! I get it! I get it. I get it. Thank you.[ suddenly, Little Orphan Annie stands ]
Little Orphan Annie: Hey, everyone! Why so glum? [ singing ] “The sun will come up… tomorrow!”
Phantom of the Opera: No.
Little Orphan Annie: “Bet your bottom dollar, tomorrow!”
Phantom of the Opera: Annie! Annie! No! Annie, sweetie? Not the time, okay? Please?
Little Orphan Annie: Yeah, watch yourself, Phantom — I’ve had a hard-knock life, okay? Someone stands up to me, I BREAK them!
Phantom of the Opera: Alright… okay. Guys! Come on, okay? We’re creative people! We just need ONE good idea!Anyone! Anyone at all! Blue Man Group?[ Blue Man Group taps a tune on a plastic pipe ]
Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Aw, man. You know, sometimes you guys can be a bunch of blue dicks.
Mark: [ excited ] Hey! What about the ladies from “Chicago”?[ the two ladies from “Chicago” stands and perform a quick routine before returning to their seats ]
Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Not helpful. Not helpful at all. What about you, dude from “Stomp”?[ the Dude from Stomp stands up and bangs two trash can lids together ]
Phantom of the Opera: Wow! Wow! Still relevant. Okay. Alright. So no one has any ideas. I mean, no one?
Mark: Wait, wait! I’ve GOT it!
Phantom of the Opera: What?
Mark: We could put on a big show… with lavish costume and huge, expensive sets! We’ll charge, like $150 a ticket![ the room goes wild with excitement ]
Phantom of the Opera: No! no! No! GUys, no! That’s the thing that isn’t working any more!
Mark: No, no! [ piano music begins to play ] And at the end, we’ll all join hands…
Phantom of the Opera: [ confused ] Where the hell is that coming from..?
Mark: …and we’ll sing the anthem of the 90’s!
Phantom of the Opera: Please, don’t…[ Mark takes the Phantom’s hand and sings a chorus from “Rent” ]
Phantom of the Opera: No! Mark! Stop![ the other Broadway stars join in the chorus ]
Phantom of the Opera: NO!! STOP!! STOP!! OKAY?! OKAY, THAT’S IT!! YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE!! [ he raises his hand to the ceiling ] GOOOOOOO!!!![ suddenly, a normal-sized chandelier drops from the ceiling ]
Phantom of the Opera: GO!! GO!![ the chandelier crashes to the floor ]
Mark: Wow. Really?
Phantom of the Opera: I’m sorry. No, that’s usually a show stopper. I don’t think so… [ recollecting his thoughts ] God! This meeting is awful! It cannot get any worse![ a scream and crash comes from outside ]
Phantom of the Opera: What was that?
Black Guy: [ looking ] Well, it was the fiddler on the Roof. He jumped.[ as everyone gets up to look, “There’s No Business Like Show Business” plays to fade ]