Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 12
The Rachel Maddow Show
Rachel Maddow…..Abby Elliott
Roland Burris…..Kenan Thompson
Rod Blagojevich…..Jason Sudeikis
Rachel Maddow: Good evening, I’m Rachel Maddow! [ audience applauds ] It’s been a wild and controversial week in the U.S. Senate, beginning Tuesday when Rod Blagojevich appointee Roland Burris showed up, hoping to take his seat as the new senator from Illinois, only to be turned away at the front gate. Burris joins us now, from Washington.[ reveal Burris on satellite ]
Roland Burris: Uh — hello, Rachel! Please call me “Senator” Burris.
Rachel Maddow: Well, that’s not official yet. It’s been quite a week for you. Tell us what happened on Tuesday.
Roland Burris: Alright, Rachel. As you know, I was appointed by my dear friend, the honorable and recently impeached Governor Rod Blagojevich.
Rachel Maddow: Yes. And, because of that, you were warned many times that your appointment would not be recognized. Yet, you flew down to Washington anyway
Roland Burris: Uh, I sure did, Rachel. I am four-time elected official — statewide — so I know when it’s time to go to work. I went on Priceline.com, and I found myself a very reasonable ticket on Southwest Airlines. And, before I knew it, I was landing at an airport within a 50-mile drive of the greater D.C. area. [ swivels his arms ] “Price-line ne-go-ti-a-torrr!“
Rachel Maddow: So, you just showed up. What did you expect would happen?
Roland Burris: Well, I expected to be sworn in an seated as a “U.S. senator”, but I guess it was not my day. I was told that my “credentials were not in order”, and I was kindly escorted out of the building. [ image: two security guards escorting a smiling and waving Burris down the Senate steps ] But don ‘t worry, Rachel — I’m sure that the matter will be cleared up. I’m very qualified: I’ve held FOUR state positions, and three of them have been Comptroller.
Rachel Maddow: Fair enough. Tell us what happened after you were turned away on Tuesday.
Roland Burris: Uh — well, on Wednesday, Rachel, I was very happy because I was able to meet with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Thatg meeting was very productive.
Rachel Maddow: And what did he say?
Roland Burris: Well, he told me that my “credentials were not in order”, and I was escorted out of the building. [ image: similar as before, except Burris looks more downbeat ]
Rachel Maddow: Sorry to hear that. What happened the next day?
Roland Burris: Well, on Thursday… I proudly walked through the Senate door. And then, after breaking away from my tour group, I noticed that, uh, someone had left a Fire Exit open. So I proceeded to take my rightful place as Junior Senator by commando-crawling through the ceiling vents. As I was approaching the Senate floor, I collapsed through the ceiling, causing me to plunge into some kind of coffee break room.
Rachel Maddow: And, what happened then?
Roland Burris: I was told my credentials were not in order”, and, again, I was escorted out of the building and given the number to a local Jamaican taxi service.
Rachel Maddow: Yes, we have a picture of that.[ image: same as earlier, but now Burris is disguised in a fake beard and moustache ]
Rachel Maddow: Now, it looks like you’re wearing a disguise of some sort.
Roland Burris: Yes, I… thought my fellow senators would find it humorous!
Rachel Maddow: Okay. So, did you try again on Friday?
Roland Burris: Uh, no, Rachel. See, last night I needed to blow off a little steam. So I went to a popular D.C. nightclub called Oxygen. There, I explained to the gentlemen at the bar that I was a four-time elected official and three-time comptroller. But, when I got there, I was told that my “credentials were not in order”, and I was escorted out the building. [ image: two bouncers leading Burris past the V.I.P. ropes ]
Rachel Maddow: I’m sorry to hear that. Now, Harry Reid has stated that this has nothing to do with race. Do you believe that?
Roland Burris: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Harry Reid never wanted this race to come down to this, and I’m sure that the other ninety-nine White senators feel the same way. They would love to see the Black population of the Senate rocket UP to 1%! Rachel, I’m a dreamer. I envision a day when the U.S. Senate will have the SAME percentage of African-Americans as, say, the state of Utah. Or… the Country Music Awards.
Rachel Maddow: Well, good luck to you, Mr. Burris.
Roland Burris: Thank you!
Rachel Maddow: Joining is now is the man who appointed Mr. Burris — Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. [ reveal Blagojevich on satellite ] Good evening, Governor.
Rod Blagojevich: Ah… you thought I’d gone away, didn’t ya’? Well, sorry to spoil your parrty there, Billie Jean King!
Rachel Maddow: You must be pleased that your appointee might actually make it into the Senate, even after Harry Reid said he would never seat someone you picked.
Rod Blagojevich: Couldn’t be happier, Ellen!! [ Rachel frowns ] So, it’s like I said to Harry Reid on the phone — and I, I’m gonna watch my language here by substituting a word. I said: “If you ‘SEX’ me, Harry, I will ‘SEX’ you so hard you’ll wish you’d never been born!” Then I told him to go “SEX” himself, and then I hung up the phone!
Rachel Maddow: Governor — Governor, yesterday you were impeached by the state legislature, 114 to 1.
Rod Blagojevich: Mmm-hmm. Yeah, it’s closer than I thought. And, you gotta understand, getting impeached in Illinois is… nothing! It’s like a PRANK, you know? It’s — it’s just part of the swearing-in ceremony! You got me, k.d. Lang?
Rachel Maddow: I suuppose. And you maintained your innocence in a press conference yesterday, where you had several sick and handicapped people stand behind you. Don’t you find that a little exploitive?
Rod Blagojevich: Exploitive? “SEX” you!
Rachel Maddow: Governor, when will you leave office?
Rod Blagojevich: Never! Never, Chachi! I’m not going anywhere. I’m stuck here like a Dutch kid with his thumb in a DIKE! [ he grins ] Sound familiar, Kyle MacLachlan?
Rachel Maddow: Alright, okay! Okay, I’m cutting you off! Thank you to Mr. Burris — no thanks to Governor Blagojevich — and “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”