Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 12
Neil Patrick Harris’ Monologue
…..Neil Patrick Harris
Guy #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Guy #2…..Bill Hader
Guy #3…..Fred Armisen
Mark Wahlberg…..Andy Samberg
Neil Patrick Harris: Thank you. Wow. Thank you thank you very much. It is…it is just wonderful to be here tonight. This is honestly a dream come true for me. Some of you may know me from the show “How I Met Your Mother”, that I am currently on, but, a little known fact – I almost hosted SNL back in 1990 when I was the star of a different program called “Doogie Howser MD”. Which, by the way, one of the first television shows created on a dare.I remember I was in the running to host, but ultimately, they went in a different direction. They chose Fred Savage from “The Wonder Years”. Thank you for not applauding. I was fine with that. I mean, was I disappointed? Maybe. It’s hard to remember. I mean, it was 18 years, one month and 14 days ago. But hey, that was 1990. A lot has changed since then. We’ve both moved on, there’s no use dwelling in the past, right? Though if you do dwell on it, take it out on the Fred Savage Show, as I was doing earlier today. You’ll notice that even though everyone says it’s so good, it has flaws. I mean, he opened with the church lady, where he played a tiny church lady…who can hit a home run with that? I remember his second sketch ran about five minutes and 35 seconds and he took a third beat and an extra pause, and I turn to my girlfriend back then and I was like “what, is he allergic to timing?” and she was like “why won’t you kiss me?” and I was like “later, I mean, look at this guy”.
But that was a long time ago. And now, finally at long last, it is my turn. Nothing can spoil this moment. We have a great –
Guy #1: Hey, hey Neil, I love you in How I Met Your Mother. Hey, you wanna know how I met your mother? I went to a fireworks factory and asked for their best bang.
Neil Patrick Harris: Okay, well thank you for bringing that energy to the show.
Guy #2: Hey hey hey hey hey. You know how I met your mother? I saw her in line at the welfare office. OH!
Neil Patrick Harris: So wait, you were in line for welfare too?
Guy #2: No!
Neil Patrick Harris: So anyway, we have a –
Guy #3: Hey, Neil, Neil Neil…you know how I met your mother? They had a story on the news, yeah. Elephant escapes from zoo. OH!
Neil Patrick Harris: Wait, wait. You saw her on the news. Then you didn’t actually meet her.
Guy #3: No, ’cause then she goes to a plastic surgeon and he goes “I wanna refund.”
Neil Patrick Harris: The plastic surgeon wanted a refund?
Guy #3: No, ya see he goes….he goes “No refunds”.
Neil Patrick Harris: You didn’t really think that one through, did you?
Guy #3: No I did not.
Neil Patrick Harris: Guys, c’mon…can you not do this now?
Mark Wahlberg: Yeah, cool it guys c’mon.
Neil Patrick Harris: Mark Wahlberg! You know these guys?
Mark Wahlberg: Yeah. They’re my three best friends. They based “Entourage” on us. [points to guy#1] This is Turtle, [points at the other two] and these are the other two.
Neil Patrick Harris: That must be a lot of fun for you guys.
Mark Wahlberg: It is. Anyways, it was good talkin’ to ya Neil. Say hi to the cast of How I Met Your Mother for me, okay?
Neil Patrick Harris:We’ve got a great show for you. Taylor Swift is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.
Submitted by: JMan