Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 13
Cut to: Open Night Sky, partly cloudy. Camera Zomms out and we see ALADDIN and JASMINE on the MAGIC CARPET.
Aladdin: Happy 10th anniversary, Jasmine.
Jasmine: Oh, Aladdin, this really takes me back. I cant remember the last time we took the magic carpet for a spin.
Aladdin: (confused) Whats that supposed to mean?
Jasmine: Nothing, we just havent gone out in a while.
Aladdin: Yeah, well, whose fault is that?
Aladdin: Im sorry, Happy anniversary.
Jasmine: You, too.
Music: A whole new world, from the animated motion picture Aladdin by the Walt Disney Company.
Aladdin: (sings)”I can hardly believeIts been ten years alreadyNow, tell me princessDid you imagine married life like this?”
Jasmine: (sings)”Fighting in front of friendsEating dinner in silenceHas it only been ten years?Cause it feels like eighty-five.”
“The spark is goneHow did we let things get so bad?Wed love to call it quitsBut we have kidsSo I guess were stuck in this charade.”
Jasmine: (spoken) I remember your carpet rides being a little more exciting. Flips and spins and stuff.
Aladdin: (spoken) Yeah, well, I guess were just carrying a little more weight these days!
Jasmine: (surprised, angry) I have three kids! Whats your excuse?
Aladdin: (angrily) Stress! Yeah, okay. Dr. Greenberg said we have to spend one romantic evening together per week. So, why dont we just, you know, get this over with?
Jasmine: (angrily) Well, I wish you could hear yourself right now!
Aladdin: (angrily) Well, I wish I was dead! Well, guess what? I already used all my wishes!
Jasmine: Yeah, I noticed that you didnt come home last night!
Aladdin: I was working, okay? Im the sultan! Some of us on this carpet have jobs!
Jasmine: Oh, please! If it wasnt for me, youd still be an illiterate bread thief who hangs out with a monkey all day instead of an illiterate sultan who hangs out with a monkey all day!
Aladdin: (yells) Hes the prime minister!
Jasmine: (angrily) You`re an idiot! (sings) “I could`ve had a career!”
Aladdin: (sings) “Not this again!”
Jasmine: “My teacher said I have promise!”
“It was the Learning AnnexThey say that to everyone!”
Jasmine: “Youre just mad I wont show you my poems!”
Aladdin: (spoken) I dont want to see your stupid poems!
Jasmine: (spoken) Yeah, well, I dont want to see your stupid genie friend crashing on our futon any more!
Aladdin: Yeah, hes out of work. Give him a break, okay?
Jasmine: He was supposed to stay two weeks, its been ten years. And he never stops making these noises and jokes and these rapid fires and impressions, its exhausting!
Aladdin: If you hate the genie so much, then answer me this: How come one of our kids is blue?
Jasmine: (sings)”I slept with the Genie!It was the worst sex of my lifeHe talked the entire timeIn many voicesSome of them were borderline racist.”
Aladdin: Yeah, I know the ones. So, what do you want to do?
Jasmine: (spoken) Well, we cant get a divorce, not in this economy.
Aladdin: (sings) “I guess were stuck…”
Jasmine: (sings) “Until the kids…”
Both: “Go off to…”
(Both sing at the same time)
Aladdin: (spoken) No, no, no, Im not going to have a kid go off to Vassar. I also had sex with the genie, by the way.
Jasmine: (spoken) Yeah, I know. He told me.
Aladdin: well, you know
Submitted by: Raffi