SNL Transcripts: Rosario Dawson: 01/17/09: Gilly


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 13

08m: Rosario Dawson / Fleet Foxes


Gilly….Kristen Wiig
Mr. Dillon….Will Forte
Liam….Bobby Moynihan
Sam….Kenan Thompson
Cyndi….Rosario Dawson
Female Teacher….Casey Wilson

(Opens with an outside shot of Bridgewater Academy. Cut to a classroom. Mr. Dillon is the teacher and reads from a book. He has a moustache and glasses)

Mr. Dillon: Ok, uh, class, uh lets pick up where we left off yesterday on page 55. On the last chapter Margaret Doublecracker just landed on Giraffe Island. Now let’s read and see what she finds.

(A milk carton hits the blackboard splashing some milk)

Mr. Dillon: Who did…?, did someone?…who just threw a milk carton at the blackboard? Was it you, Liam?

(Liam is a well-groomed kid with a tie)

Liam: No. I´m a good kid. Just ask my stupid stepdad.

Mr. Dillon: Was it you, Sam?

(Sam is a black kid with 2 casts on each arm. Shows his broken arms)

Sam: Don´t look at me, Mr.Dillon.

Mr. Dillon: Cyndi, did you throw that milk carton at me?

(Cyndi has braces and 2 ponytails)

Cyndi: Of course I didn´t, Mr.Dillon. But you´ll be happy to know that I saw who did it and I´m not afraid to say. It was Gilly.

(Gilly has a goofy smile and big,frizzy hair. Almost like an afro. A big pink ribbon is on the top of her hair)

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

(Nothing from Gilly with her goofy smile)

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y-y?

Gilly: Uh-huh.

Mr. Dillon: Gilly? Did you throw that milk carton?

Gilly: Sorry.

(Gilly gets up and dances with some spastic moves)

Jingle: Her name is Gilly and she did it again, causing lots of ruckus like a barnyard hen, she´s always making trouble, prepare to burst your bubble…knock-knock, who´s there? Its Gilly!

(Gilly poses, her hand under her chin)

Gilly: Sorry.(sits)

Mr. Dillon: Ok, lets go around the room and everyone can read one paragraph. I´ll start. Ok, um, Giraffe Island was an island full of giraffes. Margaret have never felt so sure….

Cyndi: Ow! Ow! Ow!

(Cyndi has 3 pencils stuck in her body. One sticks out of her head, two on the shoulder)

Mr. Dillon: Cyndi? What´s going on?

Cyndi: Mr.Dillon! I was just here reading ahead, noticing typographical errors in the book, when a certain someone who I´m not afraid of, attacked me with a bouquet of pencils!

Mr. Dillon: Was it you , Liam?

Liam: No, Mr.Dillon! I was busy doodling a giraffe eating my stepdad.

Mr. Dillon: Sam, did you do this?

Sam:(holds broken arms up again) I can´t move my arms! So, once again, not possible.

Cyndi: Mr.Dillon!, Mr.Dillon! I know who did it!(points at Gilly)

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

(Nothing from Gilly with the goofy smile)

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y? Did you stab 3 pencils into Cyndi´s body? Gilly-y-y?

Gilly: Sorry.

Mr. Dillon: We´ll have a talk after class, young lady. And Cyndi please remove those pencils. You´re grossing me out.

Cyndi: Yes, Mr.Dillon.(removes pencils)

Mr. Dillon: Ok, lets just move on to your homework assignment. I asked you all to write about your perfect island where you most like to live. Sam?

(Sam gets up and stands next to Mr.Dillon)

Sam: “My perfect island” by Sam Jeffers. The island that I most like to live is called “No Gymnastics Island”. Where you don´t have to take gymnastics when you don´t want to and you break your arms up real bad…(sniffs) what the…?

Mr. Dillon: What´s that burning smell?

(Smoke arises)

Liam: Aaaaaahhhh!!! (Liam´s tie is on fire. Mr. Dillon throws a glass of water on him) Oh, oh thank you, Mr.Dillon! My tie was on fire!

Mr. Dillon: Ok, I can see that. Who set Liam´s tie on fire? Was it you, Liam?

Liam: No, it wasn´t me! I swear! I was getting ready to read my essay “No Stepdad Island”.

Mr. Dillon: Was it you, Sam?

Sam: You´re kidding me, right?

Mr. Dillon: Cyndi, did you set Liam´s tie on fire?

(Cyndi looks over to Gilly with fear on her eyes. Gilly puts her index finger across her neck while looking at Cyndi)

Cyndi: For my own protection, I´m gonna say I have no idea what you´re talking about.

Sam: Hey, I´m on Oxycontin for kids so I´m gonna spill it. It was that one.(points at Gilly)

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

Gilly: What?

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y-y?

Gilly: Uh-huh.

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

Gilly: Yes.

Mr. Dillon: Gilly?

Gilly: What?

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

Gilly: Uh-huh.

Mr. Dillon: Gilly?

Gilly: Yes.

Mr. Dillon: Did you set Liam´s tie on fire?

Gilly: Sorry.

Mr. Dillon: I´ve had enough of you. Come on up to the front of the class.

(Gilly limps while walking up to the class)

Cyndi: Oooh, hey, she´s making fun of my limp!

Mr. Dillon: Gilly?

Gilly: Sorry.

Mr. Dillon: I´m starting to think that maybe you´re the one causing all the trouble around here.

Sam: Yeah, quick thinking, David Caruso.

(Sound of arrow hitting something. A voice is heard on the hall)

Voice from the hall: Owww!

(A female teacher runs into Mr.Dillon´s class)

Female Teacher: Someone just shot an arrow into the principal´s ass! Sorry children, the buttocks.

Mr. Dillon: An arrow? That´s terrible! And we say bum in here.

Female Teacher: I apologize. In the bum´s ass, but I did find this attached to the arrow.

(Its Gilly´s pink bow ribbon. Gilly´s pink bow is missing from her afro)

Mr. Dillon: Gilly, when we weren´t looking for a second, did you shot an arrow into the principal´s ass? oh, umm, I mean buttocks?…oh,um I mean bum?

Gilly: Uh-huh

(The female teacher is terrified of Gilly)

Female Teacher: Oh, hi Gilly. I didn´t know this was your bow. I like it, here, ok. (leaves the class very scared)

Mr. Dillon: Ok, your behavior is entirely….(gunshot BANG!) Gilly-y-y? Did you just shoot me in the foot?

Gilly: Uh-huh. (gives a .38 revolver to Mr.Dillon)

(BANG! another gunshot)

Mr. Dillon: And again in the same foot?

Gilly: Sorry. (gives a .25 automatic pistol to Mr.Dillon)

Jingle: Knock-knock, who´s there? Its Gilly!

(Gilly shoots another automatic gun up in the air. BANG!)

Gilly: Sorry.

(cheers an applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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