SNL Transcripts: Rosario Dawson: 01/17/09: Guantanamo Bay Going Out Of Business Sale



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 13






08m: Rosario Dawson / Fleet Foxes

Guantanamo Bay Going Out Of Business Sale

CIA Field Op…..Jason Sudeikis
Cuban Woman…..Rosario Dawson

[ open on footage of Guantanamo Bay ]

Announcer: Guantanamo Bay. Since 2001, we’ve been keeping America safe from its enemies. But on Tuesday, January 20th… we’re GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!!!

[ stamp reads: “Going Out Of Business” ] [ dissolve to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]

CIA Field Op: Hi! I’m CIA Field Op, David (muffled)! By Executive Order, Gitmo — the world’s largest terrorist detention center — will be closing its hard-wire gate, and that can only mean ONE thing!

[ reveal stamp ]

Announcer: EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!

[ dissolve to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay, as items are superimposed on screen ]

CIA Field Op: Hoods! Blindfolds! Shackles! Chains! Dog bowls for people! If it’s used to humanely detain or interrogate prisoners, we’ve got it! And we’re passing the savings onto YOU!!!

[ cut to image of a car battery ]

Announcer: C-c-c-car batteries!!

[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay, as items are superimposed on screen ]

CIA Field Op: [ chuckling ] That’s right! Car batteries! Jumper cables! Box springs! All slightly used! All for low, low prices! You’re gonna be SHOCKED at the savings!

[ cut to CIA Field Op thrashing in front of electrical bolts and dollar signs ] [ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay, as items are superimposed on screen ]

CIA Field Op: Polaroid cameras! Polaroid film! You’re not gonna find a better bargain in any other detention camp! Hey! But don’t take it from me! Take it from this Cuban lady!

[ cut to Cuban Lady holding up various items ]

Cuban Lady: Me, I got some jumpsuits… I got two-thousand pair of these shower slippers… I got this painting of this man — [ Donald Rumsfeld ] I don’t know him, but he looks like my Tio Pepe, so I buy it.

[ cut to close-up of Rumsfeld’s mouth, moving ]

Painting: Hola!

[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]

CIA Field Op: Why torture yourself with high prices? When it comes to deals, at Guantanamo Bay, we speak your language! Take a look at this: a wooden board! Just $9.99! Jugs of water, just $5.99! German Shephards, only $1 each! But TWO, get the THIRD one free!

[ show three dogs lining up on a slot machine, with “WINNER!” tags over dog barks ] [ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]

CIA Field Op: Git’Mo parking!

[ cut to CIA Field Op doubled ]

CIA Field Op: Git’Mo Savings!

[ cut to CIA Field Op tripled ]

CIA Field Op: Git’Mo of EVERYTHING you need!! GITMO!!!

Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] Guantanamo Bay Going Out of Business Sale!

[ reveal map ]

Announcer: Fly to a foreign country, then fly to Cuba. Have an old man in a ’57 Chevy drive you to the base. When the guards ask you your business, say: “OPERATION SAVINGS!”

[ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]

CIA Field Op: Tell them David (muffled) sent ‘ya!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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