Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 13
Guantanamo Bay Going Out Of Business Sale
CIA Field Op…..Jason Sudeikis
Cuban Woman…..Rosario Dawson
Announcer: Guantanamo Bay. Since 2001, we’ve been keeping America safe from its enemies. But on Tuesday, January 20th… we’re GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!!![ stamp reads: “Going Out Of Business” ] [ dissolve to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]
CIA Field Op: Hi! I’m CIA Field Op, David (muffled)! By Executive Order, Gitmo — the world’s largest terrorist detention center — will be closing its hard-wire gate, and that can only mean ONE thing![ reveal stamp ]
Announcer: EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!
CIA Field Op: Hoods! Blindfolds! Shackles! Chains! Dog bowls for people! If it’s used to humanely detain or interrogate prisoners, we’ve got it! And we’re passing the savings onto YOU!!![ cut to image of a car battery ]
Announcer: C-c-c-car batteries!![ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay, as items are superimposed on screen ]
CIA Field Op: [ chuckling ] That’s right! Car batteries! Jumper cables! Box springs! All slightly used! All for low, low prices! You’re gonna be SHOCKED at the savings!
CIA Field Op: Polaroid cameras! Polaroid film! You’re not gonna find a better bargain in any other detention camp! Hey! But don’t take it from me! Take it from this Cuban lady![ cut to Cuban Lady holding up various items ]
Cuban Lady: Me, I got some jumpsuits… I got two-thousand pair of these shower slippers… I got this painting of this man — [ Donald Rumsfeld ] I don’t know him, but he looks like my Tio Pepe, so I buy it.[ cut to close-up of Rumsfeld’s mouth, moving ]
CIA Field Op: Why torture yourself with high prices? When it comes to deals, at Guantanamo Bay, we speak your language! Take a look at this: a wooden board! Just $9.99! Jugs of water, just $5.99! German Shephards, only $1 each! But TWO, get the THIRD one free![ show three dogs lining up on a slot machine, with “WINNER!” tags over dog barks ] [ cut to CIA Field Op standing in front of Guantanamo Bay ]
CIA Field Op: Git’Mo parking![ cut to CIA Field Op doubled ]
CIA Field Op: Git’Mo Savings!
CIA Field Op: Git’Mo of EVERYTHING you need!! GITMO!!!
Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] Guantanamo Bay Going Out of Business Sale![ reveal map ]
Announcer: Fly to a foreign country, then fly to Cuba. Have an old man in a ’57 Chevy drive you to the base. When the guards ask you your business, say: “OPERATION SAVINGS!”
CIA Field Op: Tell them David (muffled) sent ‘ya![ fade ]