Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Episode 13
North American Savings
Announcer: A devestating stock market…[ headline: “More Pain Ahead for Investment Banking” ]
Announcer: Plummeting housing prices, even bank failures…[ headline: “Wachovia Bank Loses $8.9 B, Cuts 6,350 Workers, Dividend” ]
Announcer: The result of too many finanical institutions taking too many risks.[ dissolve to homeowner attempting to balance his budget online ]
Announcer: Is there any safe place to put your cash?[ dissolve to banking personnel meeting with new clients ]
Announcer: Well, at North American Savings, we’ve never lost one cent of our depositors’ money — and we never will. Because, unlike other banks, at North American Savings, we don’t make risky loans. In fact, with our unnecessarily high credit requirements, like 90% cash down on home mortgages, the banking industry’s highest non-refundable loan application fees, and proof that applicants don’t need the money… we make virtualy no loans at all, rejecting 97% of loan applications.
Announcer: So, go ahead… start that business.[ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]
Get that degree.[ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]
Purchase that dream house.[ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]
Buy that car.[ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]
Grab that dream![ a loan application is stamped “Rejected” ]
Announcer: Although, we probably own’t be able to help — because we just can’t take the risk.[ a banker places a “REJECTED” pin to a little girl’s dress ]
Announcer: But so long as you’re not looking for money to borrow, and simply want not to lose the mnoey you have, let us be your partner. When you need it, that money will be here. Safe and secure — every cent of it.[ a banker leads a client into the bank’s safe: a closet stacked with mattresses. The banker takes the clients roll of bills and stuffs it under one of the mattresses. ] [ SUPER: “Deposits do not accumulate interest” ]
Announcer: At North American Savings, protecting what you have isn’t just a priority, it’s our only priority.
North American Savings. Not losing customers’ deposits since October 1987.